Opening this weekend:

Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Get it?  It’s funny because he’s f-cking fat!

Hotel for Dogs
You see, son, this is whole idea is just silly.  They already have hotels for dogs.  They’re called Animal Shelters.  The doggies get to come and stay for free and eat their favorite food and play with the other doggies for up to six whole weeks, and then they gas them like Jews in Nazi Germany.  Sleep tight.

My Bloody Valentine in 3-D
Wow, this movie’s in 3-D?  You don’t say.  I hadn’t heard that.  I’m sure it’ll be really good because they’re marketing it really hard without saying anything about the plot.  Probably because they don’t want to ruin it.  Because it’s so good.

Defiance
I defy you to find a movie where the actors talk in accents sillier than this the whole time.  Borat is seriously pissed he got passed over for a role.  Meanwhile, Daniel Craig is only slightly less Jewish than Paula Deen from the Food Network.

Also in theaters: The Wrestler, Slumdog Millionaire, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Valkyrie…

With Valkyrie (trailer, review), The Reader, Adam Resurrected (“the story of a man who once was a dog who meets a dog who once was a boy.”), Defiance, Good, and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas all hitting theaters and making headlines around the same time, it’s hard to know just which holocaust movie to see when you really need to masturbate never forget important historical epochs.  Luckily, NY Mag has put together this handy flow chart.  Click here for the answers.  I’m a little disappointed they didn’t mention Defiance‘s ridiculous Dracula accents.  I mean, I hate Nazis as much as the next guy, but don’t make me choose between them and vampires.

^{Pictured: The perfect amount of retard}

Paramount recently announced that they would limit themselves to 20 releases a year, which isn’t huge news in and of itself.  The first films affected by the decision are Defiance (trailer) and The Soloist (trailer).  Defiance is moving from December 13th to December 31st, where it will still qualify for this year’s Oscars.  More importantly, The Soloist is being pushed from November 21st to March 13th, when it will not qualify.

This is retarded.  First of all, Defiance isn’t going to win any Oscars unless they add a category for talking like Dracula.  Second, what’s the point of a movie like The Soloist if it can’t win Oscars?  It’s 1) based on a true story 2) about a schizophrenic who triumphs with the help of a friend 3) and classical music.  And Jamie Foxx displays the perfect amount of mental defectiveness!

Ironically, as a result of the move, Nikkie Finke reports that Paramount will instead be pushing for awards consideration the character who described the very phenomenon which would’ve made Jamie Foxx the favorite, Robert Downey in Tropic Thunder.  I’ve mentioned Downey’s name for Oscar before, but you know what? I don’t want him to win.  I’m just not ready to live in a world where the academy recognizes awesomeness of that caliber. It’s against the natural order of things, like dogs in purses and girls who say no to me.  *sigh* who am I kidding?  ‘The Soloist’ was my nickname in high school.

After the jump, I’ve got the new trailer for Defiance.  It stars Daniel Craig and Liev Schreiber as Jewish brothers who escape from Nazi-occupied Poland and build a village in a Belorussian forest.  It comes from Blood Diamond director Edward Zwick so it’s probably gonna be pretty “bling bang”.  If I could give the filmmakers one piece of advice: having Polish characters speak English properly isn’t any less historically accurate than making everyone talk like Borat the whole time.  Wowoweewa, I keel a Germ man?  High fiiive.

In related news, I think “Polish Village” would be a good euphemism for a circle jerk.
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This is the teaser poster for Defiance, starring Daniel Craig, Liev Shreiber, and Jamie Bell; directed by Edward Zwick, who previously pinched the loaf that was Blood Diamond (In America it’s ‘bling bling’, but in Africa it’s ‘bling bang’).

Three Jewish brothers (Craig, Schreiber and Bell) escape from Nazi-occupied Poland into the Belarussian forest, where they join Russian resistance fighters and endeavor to build a village in order to protect themselves and others in danger.

Hold on, a Jews vs. Nazis movie with Daniel Craig in it, and he plays one of the Jews?  I’m calling bullshit. That guy couldn’t be more of a Hitler wet dream if he was wearing a Jew ear necklace and an "Everyone Loves a Pure White Aryan Boy" t-shirt (Urban Outfitters, $24.99).

[Picture source = ComingSoon]