Guess which one’s an Oscar winner

With lots of new films hitting DVD today, there’s something for every discerning fan of cinema.  Besides The Paperboy (pictured above) we’ve got new films with Jake Gyllenhaal, Patton Oswalt, Danny Trejo, and Olivia Thirlby.  There’s films about universal soldiers, imposters, fat kids, phone-sex workers, and samurais.  There’s warriors of witchcraft and witch’s brew, and even one of this year’s Oscar-nominated films.

The DVDs:
End Of Watch
The Paperboy
Universal Soldier: Day Of Reckoning
Nature Calls
Death Race 3: Inferno
Searching For Sugar Man
For A Good Time, Call…
Nobody Walks
The Imposter
Officer Down
Tai Chi Zero
Fat Kid Rules The World
Hara-Kiri: Death Of A Samurai
Hansel & Gretel: Warriors Of Witchcraft
Night Of The Templar
Derby Dogs
Hold Your Breath
Dead Sushi
Witch’s Brew
Zombie Ed

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Can’t remember which one of these films is an Oscar-nominee?  Continue reading to find out.  Want to know why nobody walks?  Maybe it’s because fat kids rule the world, but you should continue reading just to be sure.  If you don’t really care and just want something to stream on Netflix, click the link above, but you’ll be missing out on a movie that gets the Dove Seal of Approval, despite featuring attempted vehicular manslaughter and scenes of people being covered in human excrement.  The choice is yours. Read the rest of this entry »

The folks behind the Death Race DVD are pushing next week’s release pretty hard, and in lieu of actually giving me a copy (hint hint, motherf-ckers), they keep sending me clips like the one above.  Oh well, I’ll bite. In the video, Natalie Martinez explains why guys in prison might be excited to see her (because there normally aren’t many women around, you see) and The Stath’ explains the appeal of her crop top.  Later he had this to say:

Oi, cunts.  Oy’s Jason Stafam a course.  It’s well fock’n obvious dat da Staf’ ‘as done moy share a da shoiny fock’n sazz wagon movies, now ‘aven’ Oy?  Roight. But da fock’n fing about dis one, Def Raice, is dat da sazz wagon Oy’s droivin ain’ fock’n shoiny at all, donnit?  So when Oy sawr it, Da Staf’ was propa fock’n worried dat da dere weren’ be no fit birds if da wagon ain’ got dat shoine, innit.  But den dey wiz loike, “Oi! Staf’!  Dis fock’n sazz wagon ‘as got fock’n bloody machine pistils on da top of it, donnit?”  An’ so Oy took moy shir’ off an did a fousand pushups (cuz da Staf finks better dat way), an’ Oy fought, Oi, why not?  Oy ‘afta show moy versa-fock’n-tili-ee as an actor some toime, now doesn’ Oy?  So I did da fock’n movie, an’ a course Oy ‘ad great fock’n toime knackerin cunts wif moy pistil wagon, innit.

Long story short, Oy know what your finkin’ ’bout da Latin bird, an’ da answer is yes, Oy knobbed’a.  Oo da fock d’yous fink Oy am?

Read the rest of this entry »

Death Race hits DVD December 21st.  Not an announcement I’d normally care about, but their PR flack reminded me about it with pictures of the lovely Natalie Martinez here.  A wise strategy, sirs.  She can really wear a hand bra.  (more pictures below)

Michael Bay’s Christmas wish list.  Michael Bay needs a book on falconry?  I thought Michael Bay wrote the book on falconry.  In crayon. [Screenjunkies]

Alf’s dad loves gay sex and crack. No wonder George Lucas is so messed up.  [HolyTaco]

Bryan Singer not involved in talks about the next Superman.  Which doesn’t necessarily tell you he’s fired, just that people don’t generally discuss whether to fire you with you in the room.  [Filmonic]

Poster for Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  This could be the most unfunny movie ever.  [JoBlo]

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: 9 clips and 46 new pictures.  I want to see a movie about a puppy who gets cuter as it ages.  Then one day, it’s just a puddle of rainbows.  [RopeofSilicon]

The world’s most disturbing animals.  I would totally bang that giant salamander.  He looks like he’d be squishy.  [Atom]

Walrus playing saxophone.  You’ve probably already seen this, but come on, it’s a walrus playing saxophone.  If I let anyone miss out on it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. [CollegeHumor]

Tropic Thunder earned $16.1 million dollars at the box office this weekend ($65 million total), taking the top spot for the second week in a row.  It narrowly beat out The House Bunny ($15.1 million), though it should probably be pointed out that The House Bunny cost about $25 million to make and Tropic Thunder cost an estimated $160 million.

In Schadenfreude news, The Longshots, Fred Durst’s football fartwarmer debuted at number 8 with $4.3 million, and The Rocker, Rainn Wilson’s retarded slapstick orgy, didn’t even break the top ten, earning $2.8 million for number 12.  I blame the sneeze (51 second mark).  A sneeze that fake shouldn’t even make the final cut. They not only kept it, but put it in the trailer. That makes a strong statement, and that statement is "we’re not trying very hard."

Meanwhile, Death Race opened at number 3, earning $12.3 million dollars and a slew of rave reviews:

"It is an assault on all the senses, including common." -Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
"Even more painful than actually participating in a death race." -Matt Pais, Chicago Tribune
"Paul W.S. Anderson makes one kind of movie: the shitty kind." -Walter Chaw, Film Freak Central

Upon hearing the reviews, Jason Statham scowled and continued to do pull-ups.   

1. "Tropic Thunder," $16.1 million.
2. "The House Bunny," $15.1 million.
3. "Death Race," $12.3 million.
4. "The Dark Knight," $10.3 million.
5. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars," $5.7 million.
6. "Pineapple Express," $5.6 million.
7. "Mirrors," $4.9 million.
8. "The Longshots," $4.304 million.
9. "Mamma Mia!" $4.303 million.
10. "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor," $4.1 million.

After the jump, I’ve got the new red-band trailer for Death Race.  Here’s my impression of it:  Blur! Cut! Smash! Rap rock guitars! Oh, ‘allo.  Moy name ees Jason Stafam.  Explosion! Face punch! Oof! Blur! Rap Rock!  Rightio, oy fink oy’ll taike me shir’ off now.  Gunshots! Blur! Impalement! Record Scratching!  Blur! Tits! Cut! Mohawk!  Gratuitous ass shot!  Guns n Roses!  Car stats! Pow!

I understand the appeal of a tits and fire car porno, even if it’s a remake of an idea that’s already been used a thousand times.  But does anyone actually like this epilepsy editing and parkinson’s disease camera work?  Film a dog taking a dump if you want, but at least hold the goddamned camera steady.