Today brings us the longest trailer yet for Man of Steel, the Zack Snyder-directed, Christopher Nolan-produced Superman movie starring Amy Adams and Henry Cavill, with Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner as Superman’s adopted gay dads. Zack Snyder rightly got a lot of flak after Sucker Punch for his penchant for excessive slow motion and ridiculously over-stylized everything, but now that he’s making a Superman movie and not a weird, thickly-veiled allegory for child rape, all the epic affectations actually seem like they fit. This is… a pretty badass trailer. I kind of want Russell Crowe to narrate my life now. And if Michael Shannon manages to be half as scary as General Zod as he was as that Jew-drowning psychopath on Boardwalk Empire, this is going to be amazing and small children will pee their pants when they see it.

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“And the horse you rode in on, devil bro.”

As usual, when Vince asked me to cover for him so he could host another one of his Full House Reality Tours, I started looking for new Justice League HOTT GOSS, because he likes it when I write about comic book movie news and piss people off. But I decided not to do that today, at least in regard to Justice League rumors, because between the script being a flaming bag of dog poopy and the franchise possibly moving on sans Batman, it’s just depressing.

Fortunately, what I found was some good Justice League news for once, but it doesn’t involve Zack Snyder’s Superman or my dream of Gina Carano as Wonder Woman. Instead, it deals with director Guillermo del Toro and his desire to make a “Dark Justice League” film with DC’s lesser celebrated characters.

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“Damn you… *hic*… Chris Nolan.”

Last we checked in on the perpetually-crumbling Justice League film, writer Will Beall’s first script was allegedly locked in the deepest, darkest cell of Arkham Asylum, never to be seen again. Almost everything about this seemingly doomed DC and Warner Bros. answer to Marvel’s The Avengers has been bad news, and now the rumor mill would have us believe that this cinematic kryptonite is poisoning the Batman franchise as well.

After the Beall script news hit the Intertubes, another report suggested that Warner just wanted to wait to see how Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel performs this summer before moving ahead with Justice League’s targeted release date of 2015, which of course coincides with the Avengers sequel. The only problem with that, suggests one questionable-but-intense source, is that it leaves Bruce Wayne trapped in silver screen limbo.

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It wouldn’t be a day of the week ending in –y if we didn’t have some juicy HOTT GOSS about the Justice League movie, and wouldn’t you know it – it’s all really bad. First up, there’s a fat nugget of rumor jizz drying on our prom dresses regarding the first screenplay, penned by Gangster Squad’s Will Beall. According to Badass Digest, which is like Reader’s Digest but in a monster truck, Warner Bros. and DC read it and determined that they had approximately 110 pages of toilet paper.

The story from each source is the same: it’s terrible. Some sources seem to think the whole movie is going to fall apart and never happen, while some believe that Warner Bros will keep moving forward, unwilling to lose the superhero arms race.

Beall’s script was focusing on a 4-man and 1-woman Justice League, as Superman, The Flash, Green Lantern, Batman and Wonder Woman would be taking on Darkseid in an Avengers-like battle to save the Earth. Unfortunately, it seems that the Warner and DC execs have been f*cking with the story so much that Beall never stood a chance.

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People like to badmouth the choice of Zack Snyder to direct Warner’s Superman reboot, Man of Steel, but if you throw out Sucker Punch, which was indeed terrible, he did a decent job with The Watchmen, and if you can handle Dr. Manhattan, it seems to follow that you should be able to handle Superman, who’s just Dr. Manhattan with underpants. Anyway, here’s the latest trailer for Man of Steel, screenplay by David S. Goyer and Christpher Nolan, starring Henry Cavill as Superman, Dianne Lane as Martha Kent (way too attractive to be named “Martha”), and cameos from Kevin Costner as Pa Kent, Russell Crowe as Jor-El, Michael Shannon as General Zod, and Amy Adams as Lois Lane. There don’t seem to be any Justice League hints, thank God, but neither does Zod flog himself or drown any Jews a la Boardwalk Empire. Call it a wash.

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