New in theaters this weekend (trailers after the jump):

Youth in Revolt
The reviews have been decent, but not quite as awesome as this looks to me from the previews.  No matter, I’d watch Michael Cera paint my house.  By the way, when you getting started on that, you little sh*t?  This hooker blood isn’t going to whitewash itself.  Sidenote: “Youth in Revolt” is my new euphemism for premature ejaculation.

Daybreakers
Despite being both an apocalypse scenario and about vampires, this actually looks good.  You can’t go wrong with Willem Dafoe, and this clip of people acting like human sharks gives me a hard on.  For his part, Ethan Hawke prepared for the role by starring in Reality Bites.  Ow, shut up, I’m already leaving.

Leap Year
Hooray, more Blackberry-related rom-com hijnks! (see: 1:20 of the trailer).  I’ve heard that in Ireland, on the 29th day of the second month every fourth year, tradition demands you make lame movie, get drunk, and forget about it the very next day.  And the guy whose idea it was has to F a leprechaun.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s a short clip from Daybreakers in which a dude demands more blood in his coffee and before you know it, a FEEDING FRENZY breaks out!  OOH WHA-AAA AA-AA!  Sorry I don’t have more time to explain this clip or write something coherent, but I’m rushing out the door to get on a plane.  But you know who’d like this clip?  Professor Sharksworth, that’s who.

Aside from zombies, the two most overused elements in movies today are vampires and the post apocalypse.  Yet Daybreakers has them both and somehow still seems fresh.  Maybe it’s because of Willem Dafoe?  Anyway, this is the second trailer.  Basically, Willem Dafoe and Ethan Hawke are living in a future that’s kind of like the vampire Matrix where everyone’s a vampire and humans are farmed for their blood.  Willem Dafoe is one of the last surviving humans and Ethan Hawke has invented a magic potion that turns vampires back into humans.  Also, there are crossbows.  Hopefully at some point, someone will ask Willem Dafoe how he plans to beat the bats, and he’ll be like “Easy. I brought my Hawke.”

Ow, shut up, I was already leaving.

The Spierig Brothers made their film debut back in 2003 with “Australian zombie horror comedy” Undead.  They’ve sinced moved on to vampires, and their latest, Daybreakers, stars Willem Dafoe, Ethan Hawke, and Sam Neill.

Edward Dalton (Hawke) is a researcher in the year 2019, in which an unknown plague has transformed the world’s population into vampires. As the human population nears extinction, vampires must capture and farm every remaining human, or find a blood substitute before time runs out. However, a covert group of vampires makes a remarkable discovery, one which has the power to save the human race. [Yahoo]

Normally I’d hear the word ‘vampire’ and start wanking dismissively out of reflex, but I’ll give them credit for a concept that sounds marginally more interesting than your usual fangy romance.  It looks like they use the premise more as a play on society and mortality than on love.  I guess what I’m saying is, I’ll bite. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!  ‘CAUSE THEY’RE VAMPIRES, GET IT???  (*sigh*) I suck. In related news, I hear Willem Dafoe f*cks like a gargoyle. True story.

This is Ethan Hawke in Daybreakers, another totally original concept:

Ethan Hawke plays Ed, a researcher in the year 2017, in which an unknown plague has transformed the world’s population into vampires. As the human population nears extinction, vampires must capture and farm every remaining human, or find a blood substitute before time runs out. However, a covert group of vampires makes a remarkable discovery, one which has the power to save the human race.

Vampires and zombies aren’t really all that different.  A vampire is basically a zombie you can bring home to mom.  They both are undead feeding off the living, but you can’t put a zombie in a cape and top hat. That would just be silly.  Vampires are also better at picking up chicks and turning into bats.

Hey, did I mention Willem Dafoe’s in this?  *fart sound*