From the upcoming film “Ernest Goes to the Twilight Premiere”. And by “film” I mean “surveillance footage”.
Not surprising, given its rabid, retarded fan case, Dawson’s Crypt took the top spot at the box office this weekend with a huge $70.6 million opening. Elsewhere, your mother has a gaping opening available for pretty much any sailor who happens by.
Catherine Hardwicke’s film also enjoyed the biggest opening ever for a female director [hee hee!], blowing [hehe!] away the previous standard of $41.1 million set by Mimi Leder’s “Deep Impact” [*punches self in the dick*] in 1998 .
“Twilight” made a whopping $20,636 per theater, according to Sunday morning estimates. And the fangirls will get another taste soon enough: Summit Entertainment, which released “Twilight,” announced during the weekend that it’s going ahead with production of “New Moon,” based on the second book in Meyer’s internationally best-selling series. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will return as its star-crossed lovers. [I am Jack's total lack of surprise. Jack's devastatingly handsome, oiled up, be-speedo'd lack of surprise.]
Meanwhile, here is a non-fan-written synopsis of the second book:
In the second book, Edward the sparkling vampire leaves Bella for her own good, and she spends most of the book trying to kill herself with motorcycles and cliff-diving. Sort of. And then her best friend falls in love with her and turns out to be a werewolf, but Bella runs away to save Edward from committing suicide by public sparkling in Italy. In the third book, Jacob the best friend/boyfriend wannabe/werewolf turns into a total asshole trying to force himself on Bella, and a vampire with a grudge from the first book is trying to kill her, but more importantly, Bella and Edward argue about whether they should have sex, get married, and/or vampirize Bella, and in what order. Hand to God, I did not make one word of that up. Twilight means never having to say you’re kidding.
But of course, the Twilight phenomenon is totally, like, a girl power moment. *flashes peace sign a lá Spice Girls and blows kiss*