^{From the upcoming film “Ernest Goes to the Twilight Premiere”.  And by “film” I mean “surveillance footage”.}

Not surprising, given its rabid, retarded fan case, Dawson’s Crypt took the top spot at the box office this weekend with a huge $70.6 million opening.  Elsewhere, your mother has a gaping opening available for pretty much any sailor who happens by.

Catherine Hardwicke’s film also enjoyed the biggest opening ever for a female director [hee hee!], blowing [hehe!] away the previous standard of $41.1 million set by Mimi Leder’s “Deep Impact” [*punches self in the dick*] in 1998 .

“Twilight” made a whopping $20,636 per theater, according to Sunday morning estimates.  And the fangirls will get another taste soon enough: Summit Entertainment, which released “Twilight,” announced during the weekend that it’s going ahead with production of “New Moon,” based on the second book in Meyer’s internationally best-selling series. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will return as its star-crossed lovers.  [I am Jack's total lack of surprise.  Jack's devastatingly handsome, oiled up, be-speedo'd lack of surprise.]

Meanwhile, here is a non-fan-written synopsis of the second book:

In the second book, Edward the sparkling vampire leaves Bella for her own good, and she spends most of the book trying to kill herself with motorcycles and cliff-diving. Sort of. And then her best friend falls in love with her and turns out to be a werewolf, but Bella runs away to save Edward from committing suicide by public sparkling in Italy. In the third book, Jacob the best friend/boyfriend wannabe/werewolf turns into a total asshole trying to force himself on Bella, and a vampire with a grudge from the first book is trying to kill her, but more importantly, Bella and Edward argue about whether they should have sex, get married, and/or vampirize Bella, and in what order.  Hand to God, I did not make one word of that up. Twilight means never having to say you’re kidding.

But of course, the Twilight phenomenon is totally, like, a girl power moment.  *flashes peace sign a lá Spice Girls and blows kiss*

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^{A guy who wishes he’d had sons}

Look, if you’re feeling at all homicidal this morning, just stop reading now because this isn’t going to help any.  The gist of the story is that when Stephenie Meyer was writing Dawson’s Crypt, she chose Forks, Washington as the setting, even though she’d never been there, because it happened to be the rainiest city in the lower 48.  The town of 3,000 has since become the epicenter of the new Idiot Tourism industry.

Sydney Conway and two of her teenage friends, on a school holiday, got into a minivan and drove four hours — to stare at the nondescript brick building that is Forks High School. There’s a weathered wooden sign announcing it as “the home of the Spartans,” but otherwise it looks like most other high schools in the country.

Sydney, Alexis Miller and Rebekah Hamilton got out of their van, stood in front of the school — oblivious to the cool mist that was frizzing their hair and chilling their pedicured, flip-flopped feet — and screamed, “Twilight!”

Ugh, I’m nauseous.  And I’m getting that yearning feeling in my fists.  But wait! It gets worse!

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There’s no doubt Robert Pattinson is going to get a lot of crap for being in Twilight, plus, look at his ridiculous goddamn hair.  Nonetheless, he summed up Twilight about as perfectly as anyone I’ve heard last week, and today he engaged in a favorite pastime of mine: making fun of crappy movies.

(Of Corky Romano)
“The first time I was in L.A. I was watching it on TV. The scene where he’s on coke…was literally the only thing that they advertised, it was like the only point of the whole movie! I love that character. I love how Chris Kattan just stripped his whole career in one movie. The only guy off Saturday Night Live who just messed it up! It’s like, what happened? The only guy. That’s why I think it’s so great.

“I also love the behind-the-scenes stuff on the DVD where none of the crew are laughing; the director’s [hiding] and he’s telling Chris Kattan, “Just do something funny, just make Chris Penn laugh,” and none of the crew think it’s funny at all. And you can tell Chris Kattan is just freaking out. Also, he had that vein, which I have which pops out of his head. I can really relate to him.” [RottenTomatoes]

Reached for comment, Chris Kattan said, “Ha, that was funny!  Hey, if you’re not doing anything, maybe we could hang out.  I mean, I had some, uh, meetings and stuff, but I could totally reschedule.  Really, it’s no trouble.”

Dawson’s Crypt star Robert Pattinson’s appearance at a San Francisco Hot Topic in the Stonestown Galleria Mall* had to be cancelled yesterday after a much-larger-than-expected crowd of 3,000 annoying teenage girls and housewives began pushing and shoving, leaving one with a broken nose.  Wrote one attendee:

“the things that all went WRONG: around 1am [the appearance was scheduled to begin at 6 pm -Ed.] a mother decided to make a list and number everyones hands which was not authorized at all.

around 5:45am a hot topic staff member told everyone to back away from the doors and form a line. which was coming into shape, and yet then the “list” that was made was NO GOOD, which upset everyone who did put their names down and were numbered but since it wasnt authorized it wasnt going to work.

then losing track of time here is where it went way out of control while the line was forming a purse was stolen, shoes were being thrown, a girl got cuts on her neck from people being in the mob trying to pull her back to get closer, a female got her nose smashed into a wall, and yet as a LINE was forming they werent going to move away from the doors.

the mall was staffed with 4 security guards expecting only 500 fans! hot topic did NOT have 500 shirts, they said “500 people would be allowed in” 2 braclets” per shirt, meaning they were only going to have around 250 shirts.” [First-hand account via the San Jose Mercury News]

Boy, hordes (herds?) of undersexed housewives and teenage girls sure are a lot less sexy than I was led to believe.

*More like the Jonestown Galleria Mall, am I right? Anyone?  **looks around for high five**

^{Personally, I woulda gone two apples and a banana.}

A new trailer for Twilight aka Dawson’s Crypt is out and you can watch it after the jump.  In it, Eddie the vampire who’s been waiting thousands of years to mack on some high school bitch, puts an apple over his dick and he’s all like, “Taste it.  Taste the forbidden fruit.  You’re scared? Don’t be scared.  Look, I’ll make you a deal, just lick it, you don’t even have to swallow.  Just touch your tongue to it.  Get it wet a little bit wet.  C’mon, please?  Okay fine, just hold it, but at least look like you’re enjoying yourself.  Are you crying?  C’mon, this is no way for a fifth grader to act.”
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