"Which one of you guys tripled parked your Bentleys?"

Chris Rock was at Sundance last week to promote his new film, 2 Days in New York, directed by Julie Delpy, whose best movie was Killing Zoe and I will fight people to the death if they believe otherwise. While Rock did the normal PR legwork for his new film, he also dropped a little nugget of terror into our laps when MTV asked him about the status of the completely unnecessary Grown Ups 2.

/film has reported that Grown Ups 2 already has a set release date of July 12, 2013, but Rock raised a few eyebrows when he admitted that he doesn’t know if his upcoming project with Adam Sandler is actually a sequel. Yeah, because that makes all the difference as to whether it will suck or not.

I don’t know yet. I definitely have been called about my availability. But no one’s told me about a script. When Adam Sandler gives you a call and asks, ‘What are you doing in June? Make sure you don’t do nothing in June!’ So I think we’re getting ready to get the gang back together. I don’t know if it’s going to be ‘Grown Ups 2′ or another movie, though.

Who cares? It’s happening regardless. Happy Madison is Skynet. We’ve allowed Sandler and his friends to amass such wealth that they can do whatever they want. Grown Ups made more than $270 million worldwide. Even if a sequel makes half that, they still win and stock their garages with more Maseratis.

If they want a new movie, they get it. A TV show for Rob Schneider? Done. A Broadway musical starring Peter Dante and a chorus of stoned frat boys making hand farts? Book it. This is why we can’t have nice things, world.

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At some point today, people are going to spend actual American currency to see Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and the soul of cinema will die a little more. The film is the latest offering from Happy Madison, which is Adam Sandler’s production company, or as it is better known – his friends’ ATM machine. In fact, it’s quite fitting that Sandler’s next cash cow, starring Nick Swardson as the titular character, will be released on his 44th birthday. “Happy birthday,” his friends will yell as they put their new Bentley keys in their pockets.

I’m sure by now that you’ve seen the non-stop barrage of commercials for Bucky Larson, and I assume that because they have been scorched into my brain because of their needlessly obnoxious delivery. The movie itself looks like standard Happy Madison fare, but for some reason the commercials have Peter Dante – more on him later – yelling at us about why we should see the film like we are complete morons. I honestly can’t decide whether I’m more annoyed or fascinated by the commercials.

What is the point of Dante yelling terrible jokes at us? Is he portraying his character in the film? Are we supposed to know this? Better yet, are we supposed to know who he is? I decided to answer that last question myself, as well as the question “Who the hell are these guys and why should we accept them as comedy stars?”

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As the cast of the mind-numbingly successful “comedy” Grown Ups makes the rounds to promote today’s DVD and Blu-Ray release, Chris Rock admitted to Howard Stern that his good friend – and demonic source of neverending roles for Kevin James and Rob Schneider – Adam Sandler gave his buddies and co-stars of the movie some very special gifts to show his appreciation – brand new Maseratis. Sadly, no C4 was wired to any of the ignitions.

Grown Ups was made on a budget of $80 million, with the bulk presumably dedicated to catering for James and hair plugs for David Spade, but somehow this paint-by-numbers goat turd ended up making more than $160 million at the domestic box office. According to Rock, this specific film meant a great deal to Sandler, so he was more than willing to lay down $200,000 for each of the high end sports cars, and another $2 million for enough grease to squeeze James into his.

That’s right, E! Online, I’m bringing out all the fat jokes today.

“Now I think that I’m Adam Sandler’s bitch,” Rock joked to Stern.

He also said it’s the first time he’s gotten any kind of token of appreciation for film work, and he’d never have bought such a pricey car on his own.

“The movie’s like the biggest thing for [Sandler], he appreciates the help.”

I refuse to believe that Chris Rock wasn’t showered with gifts from each corner of the Earth following his harrowing performances in blockbusters like Bad Company and Head of State. But all kidding aside, I’m glad that this movie was successful for Sandler since it meant so much to him. If you haven’t been lucky enough to see Grown Ups, you can get an idea from these clips of just how much effort he put into this film.

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This new trailer for Grown Ups played before my Kick-Ass screening last night (review to come).  Starring Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Chris Rock, and Kevin James, from the visionary director of I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, it’s about a group of guys who were friends when they were kids who reunite 30 years later for a July 4th weekend with their families.  They try to show the youngins how to have real fun like they used to, but Kevin James is fat now so his pants fall down a lot and sometimes people fart.

Sony just released the above clip from Grown Ups, opening in June.  It stars Kevin James, Rob Schneider, and some other people, but who really cares about them when you’ve got Rob Schneider and Kevin James, am I right?  Anyway, it’s an interesting clip.   I think it must be performance art or something, like one of those clips of a bad sitcom with the laugh track removed, or Garfield Minus Garfield, or Old Dogs, but instead of record scratches and nutshots, guys blinking.  That Adam Sandler, always reinventing himself.