^{Can’t remember where this picture came from.}

Sorry I couldn’t work a question mark into this headline, but I should have because the story is highly dubious.  According to Radar Online, who claimed an exclusive, David Hasselhoff was rushed to Cedars-Sinai by his 16-year-old daughter and ex-wife, where he was treated for alcohol poisoning. Which is easily the funnest kind of poisoning.

This time the vodka-guzzling “America’s Got Talent” judge registered a staggering .39. alcohol level. Drunk driving in California is .08.  [Radar]

Holy sh*t, .39 Blood-Alcohol Content (if by “alcohol level” that’s what they mean and I assume they do) is not recreational-alcoholic-overdoing-it level alcohol poisoning, it’s Ukranian-vagrant-chugging-windex level alcohol poisoning.  TMZ, also claiming an exclusive, quotes Hasselhoff’s lawyer as saying Hasselhoff was fine and that the story was cooked up by his ex-wife in order to further discredit him.  What’s the real story?  I don’t know. I don’t even care. I just needed an excuse to watch this puffy doofus eat a hamburger off the floor again.
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Anaconda 3: Offspring (‘They can taste your fear’) hits DVD shelves today, and after the jump I’ve got your first clip.  While no one matches the panache of Ice Cube in Anaconda 1 (“So zactly how beeg… is dis snake?”), there are still a couple things to look for in this clip.  First, the Hoff shouting, “Nobody wanted this, man!” at about the 1:14 mark, channeling Bill Paxton in Aliens.  He then adds utterly nonsensically, “I’ll tell you a little about the military in this country:  They’re about as reliable as a bottle of Jack at an AA meeting.”

Huh.  Well personally, I’ve always found bottles of Jack to be rather lazy, but maybe I’m thinking of Jose Cuervo… Anyway, the Hoff finishes off his big monologue with yet another confusing one liner:

“You got two choices: you go home with a great snake story, or you go with me.”

Dammit, man, you can’t imply that they’re mutually exclusive!  Did you learn nothing in cheesy b-movie pickup line school?  Amateurs. Observe:  “Stay here if you want, but if it’s a great snake story you’re after, you can always come home with me.” Let me know if I need to F her for you too.
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Straight from the WTF files comes the news that two Anaconda sequels (that’s number 3 and 4, if you were counting) are currently in shooting in that hotbed of Hollywood production, Romania.  Ice Cube was in the first one but wouldn’t come back for the second, so they got some dude named Johnny Messner.  Apparently he’s not coming back for the third, so now they’ve got David Hasselhoff. 

Both of the flicks are being shot in Romania by Don E. FauntLeRoy, the cinematographer turned director who has no less than three Steven Seagal movies under his belt… both flicks will premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel [before going straight to DVD - duh]. [Cinematical] 

Hey, didn’t Hasselhoff make like a bajillion dollars on Baywatch?  Says wikipedia (who keep taking down our FilmDrunk entry, bastards):

"According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Baywatch is the most watched TV show in the world of all time, with over 1.1 billion viewers." 

That’s a sixth of the world’s total population. And the dude’s making snake movies in Romania?  I know divorces are expensive, but they can’t be that expensive.  And sure, you’ve got a couple kids, but how much could those possibly cost?  It’s not like you have to feed them every day.

Knight Rider.  Knight Rider is coming back to TV.  That’s right, apparently some NBC execs saw Transformers and thought the same thing I did – "Hey, this reminds me of KITT."  Only they also thought it’d be a good idea to do a remake of Knight Rider.  They want Doug Liman (Swingers, Go) to direct a two-hour "backdoor" pilot.

It’s also likely the new show will explore the idea of "evil" cars to offset the heroic talking K.I.T.T. car of the original.. That said, skein is expected to essentially remain focused on the story of a single man fighting for justice with the help of his superadvanced car.

Lame.  I think Knight Rider is a great idea, but only if Hasselhoff comes back and it’s a made-for-TV movie about the dangers of drunken driving.  "You’ve had too much to drink, Michael.  Calling your ex-girfriend is a bad idea, Michael.  You’ve ordered far too many tacos, Michael.  Put your shirt back on, Michael.  Chewing gum won’t help you pass a breathalyzer, Michael.  You’ve parked me on the lawn again, Michael." Pff, nagging ass cars.  Who needs em.   [via IESB]

I got tired of making stupid Photoshop pictures for every piece of Uwe Boll-related news, so I decided to go with this David Hasselhoff video instead.  Germans love David Hasselhoff.  

Anyway, the news is that Uwe Boll is making a movie version of Zombie Massacre, which is apparently some sort of "video" game.

"I want to make this movie more creepy than House of the Dead, which was intended to be funny and campy," he says. "I’d like ‘Zombie Massacre’ to be a harsh zombie movie like ’28 Days Later.’" 

Wanna make it creepy? Consider a starring role! Burn! Wanna make it funny? Get nude in it! DOUBLE BURN!    

Anyway, remember when we were wondering whether the zombie movie genre had durst?  Now it’s official.