According to Variety, Russell Crowe, champion of intact foreskins and hilarious Jew hats, beat out Sean Penn and Clive Owen for the role of Superman’s biological father, Jor-El, in the upcoming Chris Nolan-produced, Zack Snyder-directed Man of Steel. Variety makes it sound as if the decision was Nolan’s rather than Snyder’s, which seems like a good rule of thumb for this film in general.

Crowe joins Henry Cavill as Superman, Kevin Costner and Dianne Lane as the Kents, Amy Adams as Lois, and Michael Shannon as Zod. Crowe hopes to be the equal of 1978 Jor-El Marlon Brando, in both acting ability and craft services budget.  You don’t spit into the wind, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, and with Crowe on board, you DEFINITELY don’t tug on his foreskin. This time around, Superman will wear a cape AND a hood.  Which should help him in his fight with a “giant spider” in the third act, something something, peel before Zod, thanks, folks, tip your waiters, Anthony Weiner’s penis, try the steak.  (*bass run, scattered applause, clinking silverware*)

[production begins next month from a David Goyer script]

After the disappointment that was Superman Returns, it seemed like WB was making some solid decisions for the next Superman movie, like hiring David S. Goyer (Batman Begins, Dark Knight, Blade) to write and Chris Nolan to “mentor“.   But now the latest rumor (via Supermanhomepage) is that they want Chris Columbus to direct.  You may remember him as the guy who directed hits like Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire, but only because no one saw I Love You Beth Cooper, Rent, Bicentennial Man, Stepmom, or Nine Months. Yeah… I hope this is just a rumor.

Up up and to the blockquote!  (*puts on red speedo, jumps off coffee table*)

As we know, Warner Bros. are aiming to have a new Superman movie released to cinemas before the end of 2012. A source inside the studio has revealed to the Superman Homepage that an “offer has been sent out to Chris Columbus to direct the 3D Superman reboot for December 2012″.
Columbus, who directed the first two “Harry Potter” films for Warner Bros., is reportedly considered “the right fit” for the Man of Steel by those within the WB and Legendary Pictures.
Christopher Nolan will be producing the film, from a script written by David Goyer.
“David Goyer really wanted to direct but nobody from either studio think he’s good in that arena,” reveals the studio insider. “He’s great at coming up with story and ideas, like George Lucas. It’s his execution where he’s weak which is why people like Chris and Jonathan Nolan and Guillermo Del Toro have had the best results with his scripts.”

David Goyer isn’t good at directing… so you’re hiring the writer of Christmas with the Kranks to direct his script instead?  That’s like saying, “Well my wife is great at buying steaks, she’s just not the greatest cook.  Which is why next time she brings home a nice steak, I’m going to take a dump on it and light it on fire.”

LatinoReview was the first to break the news (since confirmed by Variety) that David Goyer, who co-wrote Batman Begins and came up with the story for Dark Knight (but also exec produced Ghost Rider) will be writing a new Superman movie called Man of Steel. It has to come out before 2013 if WB wants to keep the rights.

Conoces como Mark Millar walks around acting like he was going to write it?  El Taco discovered that this was always BULLSH-T.  Paul Levitz hated the guy and he was never even discussed to write it.  He made all that “almost” stuff up.

I can tell you that Goyer’s story involves Luthor and Brainiac.  It is NOT an origin and assumes audiences already know about Lois, Clark, Jimmy and Perry.  I know the Daily Planet is struggling due to the internet.  And I know it sets up a huge Kryptonian mythology. [LatinoReview]

Well if you can’t trust a guy named “El Taco…”  Anyway, it’s nice that it’s not an origin story for once, but does it really matter who Superman fights?  He’s kind of invincible.  Hey, maybe he should fight El Taco.  “Mira, we’ll see how good thees puto flies with beans in his red chones. Muajajajajaja!”

(No reason)

Ghost Rider is right up there with Catwoman, Daredevil, and Elektra when it comes to being filmed with cameras made of sh’t.  But at least that means no sequels, right?  Well…  Variety reports that Columbia still owns the project and claim to be in talks with David S. Goyer (Batman Begins, Jumper, Blade) to supervise writing on a sequel — with Nic Cage “expected to return” as star.   But it sounds like it could just be talk to keep Marvel from making it.

The activity on “Ghost Rider” follows a flurry of activity on Marvel characters at almost every studio but Disney, which acquired Marvel Entertainment in a $4 billion deal.  Fox is: rebooting “Fantastic Four”; mobilizing a “Wolverine” sequel and several “X-Men” spinoffs; is quietly developing a new version of “Daredevil” and working on a Silver Surfer film [holy punctuation, batman! -Ed.]. Sony recently set James Vanderbilt to write the fifth and sixth installments [!!] of “Spider-Man,” and Universal continues work on “Sub-Mariner.” Paramount continues as distributor for “Iron Man 2” and several others expected to include “Thor” and “Captain America.”

The activity is necessary for those studios to keep the superhero properties. If the properties atrophy, they can be reclaimed by Marvel Entertainment, which happened with Iron Man, which languished at New Line before Marvel turned it into the self-financed blockbuster.

I don’t like this David S. Goyer idea — if you’re going to make a terrible Nic Cage movie, just go the whole nine and make a terrible Nic Cage movie, don’t hire the guy who wrote Batman Begins.  Do it like you did it the first time, hire the guy who wrote a movie about Michael Keaton turning into a snowman.  (Seriously though, last time they hired the guy who wrote a movie about Michael Keaton turning into a snowman).

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There’s something mesmerizing about this new poster for The Unborn, but I can’t quite put my finger in it. I mean on it.  I mean, I would like to put my penis inside of it.  I mean I could really go for some sodomy right now.  Crap, are you guys getting this?  I should really stop beating around the bush.  …shut up, I was already leaving.

Congratulations, Unborn poster maker guy.  You’ve successfully distracted me from that ridiculous kid in a dracula costume.  (The girl is Odette Yustman, in case you were wondering).  [via Empire]