For a long time, I had nothing against Shia Labeouf. He bore the brunt of a predictable backlash for being an overexposed actor in a series of underwhelming films, but that wasn’t really his fault, you don’t have that much control over that stuff when you’re a young actor. At times we respected his honesty. But the more we see of him lately, the more he comes off as this fast-talking, cliché-spouting existential buffoon. One thing I’ve never thought is, “hey, you know who’d be great in this movie? Shia LaBeouf.”

Which brings us to: How do you explain the fact that he’s now worked with Spielberg, Oliver Stone, Lars von Trier, Michael Bay, and others, yesterday signed on for a film opposite Robert DeNiro, and today joined a WWII movie starring Brad Pitt? Someone find this kid’s agent, because that guy deserves all of the cocaines.

With Brad Pitt attached and Sony on board to distribute, WWII-set “Fury” has begun building its ensemble cast with Shia LaBeouf in talks to co-star. David Ayer (End of Watch) is directing the pic from his own script. The story follows the commander of a Sherman tank and its five-man crew on a mission behind enemy lines in April 1945 as Nazi Germany collapses. LaBeouf would play a member of the crew. Lensing is set to begin in September with a Nov. 14, 2014. [Variety]

That seems like a pretty cherry role in a year that’s seen him plagiarize an apology from an Esquire article and get laughed at on Letterman. There’s only one explanation for this. SORCERY!

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Brian DePalma’s 1982 version of Scarface was a remake of the 1932 Howard Hawks film, updating the original Italian gangster based on Al Capone to a Cuban drug lord in Miami, to properly reflect the specific ethnic menaces of their respective times. Now Donnie Brasco writer Paul Attanasio is doing another remake for Universal (rewriting an earlier draft by David Ayer), and while the original report said the plot was under wraps, Latino Review quotes a source close to the project saying the new Tony Montana will be Mexican. (*throws out black beans, buys pinto beans*)

[quoting the original Deadline scoop] “Scarface was first done in 1932 and then turned into the iconic 1983 film that starred Al Pacino as Cuban gangster Tony Montana. The film is not intended to be a remake or a sequel. It will take the common elements of the first two films: An outsider, an immigrant, barges his way into the criminal establishment in pursuit of a twisted version of the American dream, becoming a kingpin through a campaign of ruthlessness and violent ambition. The studio is keeping the specifics of where the new Tony character comes from under wraps at the moment, but ethnicity and geography were important in the first two versions.”

Keeping the specifics of where the new Tony character comes from under wraps at the moment?  Why so secretive?  What is the big deal?

Well, according to sources, we have discovered that the new Tony Montana is actually Mexican and the remake takes place in the world of drug cartels. [LatinoReview]

I’m not convinced the most overrated movie of our times really needs a remake, but if they are going to do it, I’d like to see an extremely outdated and borderline racist caricature of a Mexican out of a Looney Tunes cartoon, where Tony’s big drug dealer chair is now a saguaro cactus, and his big pile of cocaine is an empty tequila bottle, and when the FBI shows up to beat down his door, he just sings a sad ranchero song and falls asleep.

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After the jump, it’s the trailer for End of Watch, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Peña, from Street Kings director David Ayer – whose name is of course Spanish for “David Yesterday.” It’s sort of a found-footage premise (“the action unfolds entirely through footage from the handheld HD cameras of the police officers, gang members, surveillance cameras, and citizens caught in the line of fire“), but to be honest, I didn’t even notice until I read the synopsis. All I saw was an interracial buddy-cop movie with a Mexican in it, just in time for Cinco De Mayo! (*shoots pistols in the air, passes out under a cactus*) Sadly, it looks to be more Training Day than Lethal Weapon, which is a shame, because everyone knows a Mexican cop doesn’t need a bomb rigged to his toilet to blow it up. Whackety schmackety hacer (*tapdances off stage in pointy boots*).

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As far as I’m concerned, the only thing that could possibly be better than the original Commando is watching small African children explain the plot of the original Commando.  But there’s a small, vocal minority of people out there, mostly made up of the producers of the Commando remake, who think a Commando remake is a super-good idea. Producer John Davis recently provided an update on the project (which we first heard of

What’s up with Commando?
Davis:  We have a really great script.  You know, I don’t know if it really makes sense to call it Commando.  Maybe it does or maybe doesn’t [HOLD ON, I'M TRYING TO WRITE ALL THIS DOWN. -Ed.].  It is the reboot of it and all of that stuff.  It is David Ayer, who did Training Day.  He wrote it and wants to direct it.  It is there and it is a brilliant script.  It is just waiting for the right moment for the studio to want to make it and finding the right actor.

Do you envision that as a hard R?
Davis:  Yes.  Definitely. Right now the script that is written is a hard R
[source = Collider]

I know I can trust John Davis when he says it’s a “really great script,” because just before this exchange, he told the interviewer that Allan Loeb was a “really great writer.” And Allan Loeb wrote both Wall Street 2 and that movie where Kevin James becomes an MMA fighter to save the rec center (Paul Blart’s Mixed Martial Farts, I like to call it).  Suffice it to say, John Davis is a great pitch man. I thought it was a bad idea at first, but now I’m sold. I’ve even created this promotional poster.

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Released in 1985, Commando is indisputably the high-water mark of 80s action movies.  Arnold Schwarzenegger fed deer with his daughter, jumped out of moving jets, used rose bushes for cover against sub machine gun fire*, chopped people’s arms off, and said things like, “You’ll have to excuse my friend; he’s dead tired.” (see for yourself below)

You can’t remake a movie like that.  I mean, you can, and there have been at least 30 movies with the same basic plot since then, but what makes Commando Commando is that it’s so 80s.  So Arnold.  Uh oh, you guys, here comes Fox.  Nobody acknowledge him.  Aw crap, he sees us.

20th Century Fox is going Commando again, setting David Ayer to write and direct a reboot of the 1985 film.  Ayer is the former Navy soldier [sic] who wrote Training Day and moved into directing with the dark dramas Harsh Times and Street Kings. He will put his own real-world spin on this original premise: a retired elite special forces operative sees his daughter kidnapped and is told she’ll die unless he gets on a plane and kills the rival of a nasty exiled dictator. In the original, Schwarzenegger jumped off the plane before takeoff, and killed everyone involved in the kidnap plot, in a real beefcake turn that followed Terminator. Ayer’s protagonist will be less brawny, but more skilled in covert tactics and weaponry. [Deadline]

Well sure, who could forget Street Kings?  The main problem is that Commando is all Arnold, and there are no Arnolds anymore.  Who’d play the lead?  Channing Tatum?  “Eh yo, y’all gah give shorty back, nah mean?  I ain’t even playin’.”   I’m serious about this.  I will take a baby deer down to Fox headquarters and light us both on fire in protest like a Buddhist monk.  Then Arnold Schwartzenegger could walk by and say, “Eet looks like dees moovie vass… very deer to hees heart.”

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