(We call this position ‘Congress of the Crotch’)

Neve Campbell was something of a sex symbol back in the day, perhaps due to the fact that she can’t OPEN HER DAMNED EYES ALL THE WAY!  OH I’M SORRY, IS IT TOO BRIGHT FOR YOU IN HERE, HARTNETT?   (*clears throat, shuffles papers*) Another thing that was popular in the 90s was Scream.  That’s why Bob Weinstein is greenlighting Scream 4, hiring Neve Campbell, and spraypainting his Jnco pants*.  And just like that, it’s suddenly cool to make your girlfriend wear that mask during sex again.

“I’m heading back to my franchise films,” Weinstein declared, citing plans to shoot sequels to “Hellraiser” and “Scanners” in 3D. Also on the slate are remakes of “Short Circuit” and “An American Werewolf in London.” “These films are our strength, and we are committed to doing them in style.”  In addition, the company wants to shoot “Halloween III” in 3D, aiming to release it in October 2010. Dimension also is remaking the cult classic “Children of the Corn.”

“Scream 4″ will start production in April or May as the first of a new trilogy, and the company is talking to Wes Craven to direct, Weinstein reports. In addition to Campbell, Courteney Cox and David Arquette will return to the “Scream” franchise.  [Variety]

Phew, they got Courteney Cox and David Arquette?  I was worried this wasn’t going to have any bankable stars.

*unconfirmed

Howdy folks, Ramón the Correction Piñata here.  Let’s play "Spot the Unnecessary Adjectives in this Hollywood Reporter Story" shall we?

David Arquette, Matthew Lillard and Orlando Jones are attached to star opposite Justin Chatwin and Jack Black in "Ye Old Times," a wild comedy about romance at a Renaissance fair.
Arquette and Lillard will play members of the modern-day medieval troupe of actors at a cheesy Renaissance fair. Jones will play the member of a rival acting troupe committed to only serious productions of real Shakespeare. Chatwin will play the romantic male lead, and Black will be Professor Shockworthy, whose narration bookends the film. [emphasis added. obviously.]

Mrs. Stover’s English class strikes again!

Ahh the Ren faire, where fat chicks with big tits and hairy weirdos with bacne go to make passionate, revolting love to each other.  And wow, David Arquette and Matthew Lillard back together again?  Throw Crispin Glover in there and you’ve basically got Burning Man on the set.  

Keegan over at Asgaard Entertainment (haha, ASS GUARD) in Encinitas (which the locals call ‘Snitas) sent me the hot tip on the trailer for THe Tripper, David Arquette’s straight-to-DVD horror flick.  I would’ve said tongue-in-cheek horror flick, but then I thought the same thing about  Eight Legged Freaks, and remember seeing David Arquette doing Letterman or something where he talked about it all serious like it was Schindler’s List (with giant spiders instead of nazis).

This classic horror movie follows a group of free-love hippies who escape to a modern-day Woodstock concert for a weekend of debauchery in the Pacific Northwest – only to be stalked by a Ronald Reagan-obsessed killer determined to finish what he started years earlier.  Directed by, co-written by and starring David Arquette.  Starring Lukas Hass, Thomas Jane, Jaime King, Jason Mewes, and Paul Reubens, with scary cameos by Balthazar Getty and Courteney Cox. 

I hesitate to rip on David Arquette too hard because one time I was listening to Loveline and Adam Carolla was talking about David Arquette being so wacky, and wondering how a guy like that managed to function, and then out of nowhere he just showed up in the studio.   Anyway, this movie looks really stup– OH MY GOD HE’S UNDER MY BED!