"I said GET ON THE ARK, ZEBRAS."

So Darren Aronofsky is making a movie about the story of Noah, the Biblical figure who loaded up animals two by two on an ark when God got mad and flooded the world. I, for one, thought any and all ark-related movies had been made irrelevant by the cinematic masterpiece Evan Almighty, but I guess that’s Hollywood for you. Always pissing on the classics for a buck. Anyway, Aronofsky is getting ready to start casting, so the rumor mill is kicking into high gear. Throw some sh-t against the wall, Deadline.

Darren Aronofsky is ready to set sail on Noah, the Biblical story of Noah’s Ark. I’m hearing that the Black Swan director wants Russell Crowe to play the title role in the New Regency/Paramount film. I can’t tell you that this is all going to lead to a deal but signs are pointing that way. I have also heard Aronofsky wants The Grey star Liam Neeson for another role.

RUSSELL CROWE AND LIAM NEESON WRANGLE ANIMALS: THE MOVIE! Pleaseohpease let this be true. Everything about it is terrific, at least in the funhouse that is my brain right now. I mean, think of all the possibilities: stories leaking from the set about Russell Crowe yelling at animals on and off-camera and throwing tantrums about their lack off professionalism, a scene where the bears are being uncooperative so Liam Neeson punches them repeatedly in the face and drags their unconscious bodies onto the ark, Noah being a big fat guy who got hungry and ate the unicorns halfway through the flood (thus explaining their absence from the animal kingdom), etc. It’s all too perfect.

Make it so, universe.

This month, Darren Aronofsky will be heading the jury at the Margaret Mead Film Festival, judging seven documentary filmmakers vying for the Margaret Mead Filmmaker Award. He recently sat down for an interview the New York Times’ Arts Beat, and of course he talked about art and going to Harvard and the state of documentary today, but the important thing is that I cherry-picked some out-of-context quotes to fit the fictional persona I’ve created for him based on the banner picture: DARREN ARONOFSKY: Tribeca’s gabbyest soccer mom.

ARONOFSKY: Reality television is an extension of documentary as well, and that’s taken over TV. From “Cops” to “Storage Wars,” it’s basically that. It’s hard to make narrative that rings really truthful. And now dramatic, independent films are really disappearing and dying, and most narrative films are these real high-end fantasy superhero films that don’t exist.  There’s something amazing about seeing real people in real, dramatic situations. And that can be “I Used to Be Fat,” [laughs] which is a great, great, great show.

NYT: I’m sure MTV will be thrilled to have your endorsement.

I’m a big fan of it. They have all these shows on MTV now, you can’t keep your eyes off them. It just all comes out of that. [...] I saw the George Harrison film [directed by Martin Scorsese] which was fantastic, but I’m not interested in the found-footage, talking-head type of documentary. My taste was always with the vérité. The Kardashian form of documentary.

“Oh em gee, girl! I’m totes all about I Used to be Fat and Keeping Up with the Kardashians! Sometimes I’ll just be so wiped from pilates that all I want to do is just, like, VEG OUT in front the Real Housewives and eat like a billion pounds of Pink Berry. That Camille is such. a bitch. Ooh, I’m so bad! ANYWAYS, gotta go, girl, love your body (*kiss sound*).”

Other than that awesome ass-to-ass scene, I always thought of Requiem for a Dream as sort of a gimmicky, extended, anti-drug PSA. Requiem director Darren Aronofsky went on to redeem himself tenfold with The Wrestler and Black Swan, but recently he directed some actual anti-drug PSAs for the Meth Project, which you can watch below. Sadly, there’s nary an ass-to-ass scene to be found. They’re big on disturbing imagery and sad kids looking directly into the camera, but I’ve watched them all three or four times each, and I’m still trying to figure out what the hell the voiceovers mean. See if you can help.

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"Oh hey, girl. ...Me? Oh, just talkin' bout Noah. Afterwards, gonna grab some vanilla lattes and probably hit up yoges. Toodles!"

Today, Paramount and New Regency put out a press release saying they were partnering for Darren Aronofsky’s Noah, with screenwriter John Logan (Gladiator, The Aviator) coming on to re-write the script by Aronofsky and Ari Handel. The release doesn’t say anything about budget, but back in June, Deadline reported that Paramount was looking for a partner on the project, describing it as a “sprawling fantasy epic that will cost north of $100 million.” Presumably it still is, and New Regency is the partner. Keep in mind, Black Swan cost about $12 million, and Aronofsky biggest budget thus far was $35 million for The Fountain.

Aronofsky has been talking about the Noah project for years, which supposedly all started with a poetry contest he won at age 13 for a poem about the end of the world as seen through the eyes of Noah (he probably got as much pussy as me at that age). Anyway, SlashFilm pulled a few quotes from older interviews where Aronofsky discussed the idea:

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Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky’s elegant farthouse feature about lesbo scissoring, made $315 million on a $12 million budget, so he’s earned himself the right to at least one esoteric period piece set in the world of renaissance calligraphy or whatever. Which is why studios were so delighted to have him onboard for Wolverine 2, a loser of an unwanted sequel for which they’d normally have to hire Joe Johnston or Stephen Sommers.  But no one really expected him to direct that.  Surprisingly though, the story he’s pitching now is perhaps the only kind more industry-trends approved than an unnecessary sequel of a second-tier comic book movie. It’s an epic adaptation (a “reimagination”, in dipsh*t insider parlance) of a royalty-free fairy tale.  Noah’s Ark, to be exact.

I’m told that town is tantalized by a package circulating with Darren Aronofsky directing. Noah, an edgy…

HE SAID THE SECRET WORD! HE SAID THE SECRET WORD!  (*turns on siren, runs around room with arms above head*)

…re-telling of the Noah’s Ark story. Aronofsky wrote a script that is getting a rewrite by John Logan [Rango, The Aviator, The Last Samurai, Gladiator, Any Given Sunday]. I’ve heard he wants $130 million [a huge budget -- Iron Man's reported production budget was $140m -Ed] to make it and that New Regency is eyeing a co-financing role.  It was described to me as a big fantasy epic, and an opportunity for Aronofsky to create a world. He’s very passionate about it and wants to make it [his ] next film. His move toward Noah comes after Aronofsky recently flirted with Exodus, the 20th Century Fox and Chernin Entertainment-produced telling of the story of Moses, his defiance of the Pharoah and delivery of the Hebrews from enslavement. [Deadline]

So, he was barely finished flirting with Exodus and already he’s tantalizing the whole town with his circulating (helicoptering?) package? Darren Aronosky sounds like a real slut.  But I’m excited for an Aronofsky-directed Noah’s Ark story.  Probably because of the image I get of Mickey Rourke giving his “I’m a broken down piece of meat” speech to a family of giraffes.

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