Matt Lauer interviewed Christian Bale on the Today Show this morning, where they compared fashionable brown buzz cuts. Okay not really, but Matt Lauer of course read the first line of Peter Travers’ lame Dark Knight review (Lighting bolt… strikes a blanket? A blanket we call movies? What kind of retard metaphor is that?). Meanwhile, Christian Bale spoke in the strangest accent I’ve ever heard. He’s somehow landed halfway in between a Brit and a New Jersey cab driver. Ehh yo, Tony don’t brew dis kinna tea fa just anybody, ya dig me, guv?
I mean, I’d still do him, I’m just sayin. Why so serious?
Nothing gives marketing douches bigger douche boners than the possibility of creating a “phenomenon”, big events that allow them to pretend they’re affecting the world in some way more important than just helping people buy things they don’t really need; and nothing is more pathetic than a bunch of tools playing an advertising-inspired scavenger hunt in the hopes of winning a prize… a prize which is, guess what! More advertising! Hooray! Please oh please can I wear a shirt advertising your product!
Nevertheless, that’s precisely what happened in New York Tuesday night when a whole heap of dickweeds converged on City Hall for a Dark Knight "viral event" that culminated in the bat signal being projected onto the Woolworth’s building. Oh the wonder of projected light! Imagine what would happen if we used a series of projected images, producing the illusion of motion! My what a wondrous wonder that would be!
Anyway, congratulations to everyone involved on winning my undying contempt. See a douchey intern from MTV describe the action, after the jump!
Since I ruined every fanboy’s year by posting a picture of Two Face yesterday before they could see him with their own crusted spectacles at a picture of Two Face yesterday before they could see him with their own crusted spectacles at a 6 a.m. screening, I’ll just go ahead and tell you the fantastical trailers that will be running before it so I can ruin that surprise too.
But first:
BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN!!!
SPOILERZ!!!
What you can expect are the first trailers for Warner Bros.’ Terminator Salvation (May 22, 2009), which of course also stars Christian Bale, Zack Snyder’s graphic novel adaptation Watchmen (Mar. 6, 2009), and the Ridley Scott-directed thriller Body of Lies (Oct. 10), with Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe.
That’s cool. If only I watched trailers. They give too much away, like the production company that’s releasing the movie. I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW THAT YET!
-Christmas Ape
UPDATE: Pictures removed at the request of someone’s lawyer.
One of the puzzling things about the unbiquitous hyping of The Dark Knight has been the effort to hide what Aaron Eckhart’s version of Two Face is supposed to look like. It’s not as though he wasn’t a featured villain three Batman movies ago. Thankfully, there’s no Joel Schumacher around to make him bright purple.
Some person who likes to take photos of movies they watch in the threatre went ahead and posted a bunch, mostly featuring *SPOILER ALERT* a scene where the Joker visits Two Face in the hospital, because he’s a big sweetie and was worried lots. The Joker even brings along the auburn wig he wears when he likes to pretend he’s Isla Fisher. She plays comedy roles, too. It’s a natural fit.
Deep fried fucksticks! Can this movie just open already? The run-up is testing even the limits of my nerdish frothing. What’s that boner? You’re still excited for it? Okay, you make the rules. AGAIN.
-Christmas Ape
The fifth trailer for The Dark Knight has hit the tubes and it turns out to be the one lobbed to the slavering pack of fanboys at Wizard World Chicago last year. It’s really just a more poundingly scored melange of footage from other trailers that have come since, and a little bit of Two Face ordering a drink at the end. He does amazing quarter shots. You should see. Elsewhere, Worst Previews has 13 clips from the film which everyone has already determined to be the best thing since sliced breast. Try it sometime with a little schmeer of the crab dip. Mutiliation was only occasionally so tasty.
So, yeah, this should be enough to keep my boner going for another 11 days or however many until it comes out. Can’t really remove the tally marks from my arm as the days pass. Plus I’m losing a lot of blood from them. Hopefully the rest keeps that boner going. He can manage the typinghkdkkcdkbkewkdndpxpwxm
-Christmas Ape
