This morning I woke up with tequila breath, my girlfriend knocked up, and a tattoo of a topless mariachi girl on my chest and I wondered why, and it turns out there’s a new Machete trailer out.  I guess with the Robert-Rodriguez-produced, Danny-Trejo-starring Predators out in theaters today, it was a perfect time to advertise the Rodriguez co-directed (along with his editor, Ethan Maniquis) Machete.

The new trailer has all the bike-mounted-chain-gun action of the first trailer with 100% more Mexican wrestling masks.  And of course appearances by all of the all-star cast — Robert DeNiro, Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, and Michelle Rodriguez in her eye patch and bra.  At first I was a little intimidated at the sight of Michelle Rodriguez in a bikini, but ever since a Tijuana medicine man made me these rosary beads out of rattlesnake bones, I just rub them and it calms me.  He gave me the title “El Gringo Joto”, which I think must be a pretty big honor over there.

[via IGN]

The Robert Rodriguez-produced Predators (directed by Kontroll‘s Nimrod Antal) opens July 9th, and this is the newly-released international trailer.  This time around, the predators will be hunting the most dangerous game: Adrien Brody.  The humans have been dropped into some sort of space game preserve (which we know because A Brodes says “I think this is some sort of… game preserve”), so presumably, the Predators in this one will be the fat, white Texas predators that are too lazy for regular hunting and ride around in golf carts.  Aside from Adrien Brody, the assortment seems to be a Russian (former fighter Oleg Taktarov), an African, another white dude, Laurence Fishburne, Danny Trejo, and a Latin chick.  I applaud them for breaking up the usual stock-photo arrangement of two whites, a black, and an Asian.  Seriously, look at any college course catalog or bank poster: it’s always two whites, a black, and an Asian.  It’s like the John, Paul, George, and Ringo of stock photos.

Also, Danny Trejo plays “Cuchillo”, which means of course, “knife.”  Not to be confused with his other character, “Machete,” which means of course, “big knife.”  He should win the Oscar for stabbing people. And then he could fashion the trophy into a shiv and stab someone with it.

Check out the trailer for Vengeance, starring Danny Trejo.  Because this time, they f*cked with the wrong Mexican… AGAIN!

It follows our previously established, take-something-popular-and-give-it-a-generic name rule to a T, but it has a secret weapon.  Actually, it has a few secret weapons.  Besides Danny Trejo in the lead role, it’s got Jason Mewes, 50 Cent, wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, MMA stars Rashad Evans and Houston Alexander, and “platinum-selling rap artist Tech N9ne.”  I didn’t know who he was, but only because I lock my doors when I drive through a “rap” neighborhood.  Oh, and that one guy from Street Kings and Training Day is in it too, but this time with a giant tattoo of ram horns on his skull.

Hard to say at this stage, but this could either be this year’s 12 Rounds, or a modern-day Gone with the Pope.

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There are some new trailers going around, and I don’t want to make separate posts for all of them.  Deal with it.

I Spit on Your Grave
This remake of the 1978 b-movie of the same name will probably be really good, as it comes from the director of Mongolian Death Worm and Sasquatch Mountain (yes, both of those are actual movies, and the second one reminds me of the porno your mom did, Sasquatch Mountin’).  Anyway, this will be great if you like watching a chick get brutally beaten and raped and left for dead, only to come back and cut a guy’s wiener off with pruning shears.  Sounds delightful.

The American (after the jump)
From music video director Anton Corbijn, George Clooney plays an aging hitman who thinks he’s beyond redemption.  He’s sick of the business, but promises to do one last job before retirement, when suddenly a new woman enters his life and blah blah blah wank wank mouthfart.

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Danny Trejo has a Cinco de Mayo message for Arizona — ju yust f*cked with the wrong Mexican, ése. So says the new trailer for Robert Rodriguez’ Machete.  Of course, Machete began as a trailer in Grindhouse, and at first I just thought I was watching that. And then, BOOM!  Robert DeNiro.   Then the whole crazy cast started to show up, Lindsay Lohan as a nun, Michelle Rodriguez as (surprise!) a hardcore Latina, Steven Segal as a fat guy with swords, Don Johnson (!), Cheech Marin, and Jessica Alba (UPDATE: And Jeff Fahey. GRR, NOBODY PUTS FAHEY IN A CORNER!).  I can’t help noticing that they cast a bunch of awesome male actors opposite some really sh*tty female ones.  Does Michelle Rodriguez have more than one facial expression?  She seems to play everything as “smug 15-year-old.”  She’s like the Latin Avril Lavigne.  Theoretically, seeing her in a bra should be hot, but it’s actually kind of scary, because you know at any moment she could flex her pecs and that thing will shoot off and put out someone’s eye. I hear she can crack walnuts with her Kegels. True story.

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