I know Danny Trejo probably thinks he’s happy with his current old lady, but I guarantee she could never please him like Melissa Lee Williams of West Virginia here.  Danny Trejo is a passionate man.  It only stands to reason that Machete should marry the kind of lady who demands cunnilingus at knife point.  Oh yes, you read that right.

According to investigators, Williams–who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn–showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my p***y.” At this point, Williams “commenced to undress herself,” reported Deputy Ross Mellinger.

While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.”

Poor girl. That would never have happened with a real man like Danny Trejo.  As he likes to say, “Eef ju don’t wanna get escratched, stay out of el gato’s cage, ése.”

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The above trailer featuring Michelle Rodriguez playing Citizen Jane in an action-film reimagining of Citizen Kane (“I’d do anything for my Rosebud”) has been making the rounds, along with this poster and tagline, “What would Xanadu?”  The “film” even has an official site, which reads simply:

The 70th anniversary of the film that started it all
Citizen Jane stars Michelle Rodriguez as Charlotte Foster Jane, a lethal assassin hell bent on avenging the murder of her parents in this guns blazing, action packed retelling of Orson Welles [sic] 1941 classic, Citizen Kane.  She will do anything for her Rosebud…

So what’s the story?  Is Hollywood really remaking Citizen Kane to be more spicy and Latin?  Is Rosebud Michelle Rodriguez’ clit? (sample dialog: “I don’t have time to queef,”).   The short answer is… no.

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(Danny Trejo goes swimming with your mom)

In my heart I’m aware of the universal truth that every time you criticize Danny Trejo, an angel gets shanked in prison, but I can’t help it.  Machete needed to be either a little bit better or a little bit worse.  As much as I wanted to like it, it didn’t quite work as an action movie, it wasn’t quite an exploitation movie, and it wasn’t quite a parody or a straight comedy.  In fact, aside from a handful of isolated moments of greatness, it was actually kind of dull.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a few amazing scenes: Danny Trejo rappelling out a window using a bad guy’s guts for a rope, hot, naked Mayra Leal hiding a cell phone inside her vagina (call me old-fashioned, but I’m a sucker for hot, naked girls hiding things in their vaginas).  But after opening with a bang (“Machete literally opens with a bang! -Pete Hammond“), Machete sort of fizzles out when it can’t find a consistent tone.  The coolest scenes actually work better as two-to-five minute clips separate from the movie because there just isn’t anything to hold onto in the story beyond the ridiculousness factor.  Which means that whenever someone isn’t getting their head chopped off or a grenade stuffed up their butt, you just sort of sit there tapping your foot looking at your watch waiting for nudity or violent decapitation, like when I watch The View.

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MINI SITE NEWS UPDATE: Hey, kids, Daddy’s back.  I know Burnsy and Cho-Cho have probably been letting you eat candy for dinner and draw dog poop murals on the living room wall, but now it’s time for you to straighten the f*ck up and act right or else I’ll redden that ass in front of the neighbors again. Don’t think I won’t.  Anyway, expect some news posts followed by a couple more Comic-Con posts at the end of the day, because uploading all those pictures takes forever.  Now back to your regularly scheduled postings.

After the jump, Robert Rodriguez and his cute little Ché hat introduce a new trailer for Machete, which he says is pretty “loco.” (That’s how you know he’s Mexican). I’m not a Spaniard myself, so I don’t know what that means, but I can tell you that the new trailer is crazy.  How crazy?  Well, let’s just say, come for the bare boobs, stay for the Danny Trejo repelling out of a building using a guy’s guts for a rope.  Because seriously, that happens. I thought no mames, guey, but mira, eet’s true.  I’m curious as to what being on this set must’ve been like.  Because I imagine that when you put Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez in the same room, everyone ends up bleeding, pregnant, or both.

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This morning I woke up with tequila breath, my girlfriend knocked up, and a tattoo of a topless mariachi girl on my chest and I wondered why, and it turns out there’s a new Machete trailer out.  I guess with the Robert-Rodriguez-produced, Danny-Trejo-starring Predators out in theaters today, it was a perfect time to advertise the Rodriguez co-directed (along with his editor, Ethan Maniquis) Machete.

The new trailer has all the bike-mounted-chain-gun action of the first trailer with 100% more Mexican wrestling masks.  And of course appearances by all of the all-star cast — Robert DeNiro, Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, and Michelle Rodriguez in her eye patch and bra.  At first I was a little intimidated at the sight of Michelle Rodriguez in a bikini, but ever since a Tijuana medicine man made me these rosary beads out of rattlesnake bones, I just rub them and it calms me.  He gave me the title “El Gringo Joto”, which I think must be a pretty big honor over there.

[via IGN]