(Your worst nightmare, butthorn)
Adrien Brody has agreed to take time out of his busy schedule of making out with black chicks to play the hero in Robert Rodriguez’ Predators movie. He’ll play a “heroic mercenary who battles alien hunters,” according to Variety. A heroic, cerebral, glib, Jewish, mercenary, presumably.
Brody will star with Alice Braga, Danny Trejo [!], Walt Goggins, [old-school MMA-guy] Oleg Taktarov, Mahershalalhashbaz Ali, and Louiz Ozawa.
Hollywood Reporter adds:
Written by Rodriguez, Alex Litvak and Michael Finch, the script follows a group of elite warrior-types who are being hunted by members of a race of merciless alien trackers called Predators.
Brody is a man who ends up inheriting the mantle of leader and is known as a hunter of men. Topher Grace would play an accountant-type whose unassuming facade masks a dangerous serial killer.
Braga is the tough female killer. Ali is a man not afraid to die, Goggins is the loose canon [sic] of the group and Taktarov is a former Russian special ops agent.
Trejo, already cast, is Cuchillo, a hardened warrior with twin uzis strapped to his back.
Usually Robert Rodriguez is pretty uncreative when he’s casting a movie. “Eh, I’ll just stick my slutty girlfriend in it,” he’s fond of saying. But Variety recently reported on the actors in line for Machete, which began production this week, and it’s like all my most feverish coma fantasies come true!
I don’t know how they ever got insured — with Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez on the same set, they’ll have enough Latin machismo to power 1000 lowriders. I also hear that craft services won’t be offering any food, just cigarettes and Eagles records.
Take this with a grain of salt or whatever food will keep you from being humiliated for believing untruths, but BloodyDisgusting claims a reliable source tells them that Robert Rodriguez’ Machete (which began as a fake trailer in Grindhouse - video after the jump) will star: Michelle Rodriguez (of course), Robert De Niro (wha?), and Jonah Hill (*spit take*). ThePlaylist also reports that Steven Seagal will make an appearance. They say none are signed, but all are “in talks.”
Machete (Trejo) is a Mexican ex-Federale with a gift for wielding a blade, who hides out as a day laborer, who is double-crossed by a corrupt state senator (De Niro).
-DANNY TREJO is returning as “Machete”
-MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ (”Lost”, Fast & Furious, Avatar) is said to be playing “Luz”.
-JONAH HILL will play “Julio”.
-Lastly, a legend of our time, ROBERT DE NIRO, will take on the role of “Senator McLaughlin”. [possible dialog: "That's right, senator. Who's Mclaughing now?"] [via Bloody-Disgusting]
I had to check if Jonah Hill’s character would be Julio as in “Hoo-lio,” or Julio as in “Jew-lio” — to which he seems better suited. ThePlaylist confirms that he would indeed be playing a Cholo. (Do jour taxes? Chale, homes, I’m too sleepy.) Either way, if any of this actually goes down, Machete will be the most crazily cast movie since The Expendables. In fact, he should call it “The Mexpendables.” Wow, let’s see how much more racism I can cram into this post. Hey, did you guys know all Indians are drunks? Hurr, look at me, I own a casino. *glug glug glug*
Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! If you came here for answers, you’re in the wrong place, bub. Now, who wants to get stabbed in the dark? Ouch, I’m bleeding! Yay!
MTV recently talked to American Psycho/Rules of Attraction/Less Than Zero author Bret Easton Ellis, whose 2005 book Lunar Park will soon become a movie. The protagonist of the book is a fictionalized version of the lily-white Ellis, who says the lead candidate for the role is noted Puerto Rican Benicio Del Toro. It’s a strange book - it starts with Ellis raising a family after gaining literary fame in the 80s, and eventually becomes a Stephen King-style supernatural thriller.
“Benicio would actually be playing Bret Easton Ellis,” the author said of his new, unlikely doppelganger. “It’s a strange bit of casting.” According to Easton Ellis, it was their physical differences that attracted the “Traffic” star to the role. “I think he’s interested just because he’s rarely offered Anglo parts. I think that’s one of the reasons it was very exciting to him. I don’t even think he read the book; I just think he read the script and said ‘Oh, this is an Anglo writer and you’re not casting a white dude? You’ve come to me?’ And I think that rarely happens for him. I think he’s offered a lot of Spanish characters and ethnic types, and I think it’s very rare for him to get offered Anglo parts.” [MTV]
Of course he didn’t read the book - he’s Puerto Rican. I kid, I kid. But in all seriousness, if they ever make a movie about my life, I’m going on record that I want Danny Trejo for the lead. Mira, puto - deed ju come here for some pinche movie news? (*fires shotgun at camera*)
Robert Rodriguez has been reportedly attached to so many damned projects since Grindhouse - Sin City 2, Red Sonja, Barbarella, The Jetsons, Nerveracker, and others - that I’m not sure I believe him anymore. As originally reported by BloodyDisgusting in January and now “confirmed” by IESB, Rodriguez will produce and direct Predators for Fox.
In a news conference today at Troublemaker Studios, several Texas state politicians were in attendance to sign HB 873, the long-awaited reform of the Texas film incentive program. Rodriguez talked to the audience of press members and revealed his upcoming film slate. “I’m going to be able to shoot my upcoming Machete here, a sci-fi action film called Nervewrackers, a re-boot of the Predator series called Predators, and a couple of smaller movies called Sin City 2 and The Jetsons.”
Meanwhile, Variety reports Rodriguez is “eyeing” a June start date for Machete.
Machete [Danny Trejo, puto] is a Mexican ex-Federale with a gift for wielding a blade, who hides out as a day laborer, who is double-crossed by a corrupt state senator. Not immediately clear is whether Rodriguez and Overnight will find a way to use the irresistible marketing slogan that appeared in the “Grindhouse” trailer: “This time, they f*cked with the wrong Mexican.”
“Ju tole me feefty dolars for mow jour lawn, saynator, but ju no pay. Now I get my cousins for kick jour ass!” I think a cooler title for Machete would be Mexican Judo. I also don’t count my Rodriguez projects before they’re on screen. Something tells me he uses movie ideas more as a way to bone chicks like Rose McGowan than as an actual career guide.
