(LOUD NOISES!)

Here it is, the brand new trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, coming November 19th.  The whole gang is back — director David Yates, Captain Eyebrows, the ginger kid, hottie mcwhatsherface — in truth, it’s been a while since I gave a crap about a Harry Potter movie, but I’m not opposed to them. Obviously they’re still a pretty big deal.   Hence all the opera choir gasping in the background.  In this chapter, there’s some evil dude on the horizon being mean to everyone, so the old dude is all, “Harry!  Use your magic!”  And Harry’s all, “It’s too hard!  I’m just a boy!”  And then Ron Weasely comes in and he’s all, “I hate you, Harry!  Your parents are dead!  We’re not friends anymore!”  So that complicates things.  Anyway, looks good.

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Remember when your mom was on welfare and your family couldn’t afford real Fruit Loops, so you had to buy those “Fruit Rings” that came in a big trash bag?  According to Forbes, Shia Labeouf is that fruit ring.  He tops the list of actors who offer the biggest box-office returns for their price.  Hiring him is like getting a four-finger discount*.  Here’s the list:

1. Shia LaBeouf – $81
2. Anne Hathaway – $64
3. Daniel Radcliffe – $61
4. Robert Downey Jr. – $33
5. Cate Blanchett – $27
6. Jennifer Aniston – $21
7. Meryl Streep – $21
8. Johnny Depp – $18
9. Nicholas Cage – $17
10. Sarah Jessica Parker – $17

The numbers mean Shia Labeouf brings in $81 for every dollar that he’s paid.  Of course, a lot of his value comes from a movie like Transformers 2, where he could’ve been replaced by an upturned broom with a smiley face drawn on it in crayon and it still would’ve made $300 million.  Don’t ask me why.  I think it’s some kind of retard magic.
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I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this like I usually do, but then I noticed “Deathly Hallows Trailer” was the number one trending topic on Twitter, so here it is, the newly-released HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS TRAILER MEGAN FOX TOPLESS LESBIAN UPSKIRT #BIEBER.  Mmm, that’s good, papa needs strip club money.

If you’ll remember, they’ve split the final installment of Harry Potter into two movies, with part one opening November 19th and part two opening July 2011, both directed by David Yates, who also did the Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince.  I’m probably not the best audience for this — I went through a boy-wizard phase back in college, but that’s about as far as it goes.  Nonetheless, it’s nice to see JK Rowling, who seems to be a good writer and super inventive, succeed instead of that dope Stephenie Meyer*.  Also, with Bill Nighy, Ralph Fiennes, Alan Rickman, Rhys Ifans, Helena Bonham Burton, and Brendan Gleeson in there, there’s enough acting talent to go around, at least enough to negate what an awkward weirdo Daniel Radcliffe is.  I almost peed a little when I saw Warwick Davis, that guy’s awesome.  But could someone tell Ralph Fiennes that no one’s buying this “Rafe” business?  Your name’s Ralph, dude, enough with fancy stuff.

Anyway, even if you’re not into all this dragons and magic crap, it should be noted that Emma Watson looks like this now. I’d like to sneak into her chamber of secrets, gnome sayin’?  (*chugs Bud, spills mustard on “No Fat Chicks” shirt*)

^{*Here’s an easy comparison: just look at the character names.  JK Rowling: Neville Longbottom, Horace Slughorn, Nymphadora Tonks, Mundungous Fletcher; Stephenie Meyer: Charlie Swan, Billy Black, Renesmee, Carlisle Cullen.  I ask: which ones sound like clever, children’s book names and which ones sound like an eighth-grade diary?}

That dude who does long movie reviews did a long review of Baby’s Day Out for some reason.

Anchorman/Talladega Nights director Adam McKay is attached to direct The Boys.  The Boys is a graphic novel set in a world in which superheroes exist, and follows the CIA squad who keep the superheroes in line. That Adam McKay is directing can mean only one thing:  Will Ferrell is going to play a graphic novel. |Collider|

Daniel Radcliffe set to star in All Quiet on the Western Front. This will be the second time the WWI novel has been adapted for the screen, and will make a powerful anti-war statement by putting goony, awkward child actors there.  “Man, war gives me douche chills,” people will say.  |Variety|

The guy who directed Major League says he wants Charlie Sheen to come back for a sequel. This is also the same guy who wrote The Program.  I say f*ck Charlie Sheen, bring back Lattimer.  But really, I’d settle for anything that could delay another episode of Two and a Half Men for even one second.  Even my mother’s funeral. |Moviehole|

Amanda Bynes break up with the acting business may have been mutual. In typical fashion, Daily Beast takes two pages to explain that a 24-year-old Hollywood actress MAY have been a pain in the ass.  According to some people.  Meanwhile, Buzzfeed has a nice round up of the choicest quotes from her Twitter feed, including:

Get your minds out of the gutter creepers and quick move to barf bag city I bet you’ll love it there being that you are nasty and disgusting

And, just to clarify things:

someone with a perverted mind is a creeper in my book
creepers have twisted minds they full on disgust me BARF BAG CITY is where they should move to

That’s outside Cleveland, right? |Daily Beast, Buzzfeed|

USA Today published the first picture from Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1, the seventh Harry Potter movie.  I don’t really care about Harry Potter either way, but compared to Twilight, it’s nice that JK Rowling can at least write at above a fifth grade level.  Anyway, it appears this one’s about Ron Weasely’s struggle to distract from his face and hair by pairing stripes with checkers and plaid.

The first installment of the two-part Deathly Hallows finds young wizards Harry (Daniel Radcliffe), Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) struggling to find their way in the Muggle (human) world, with their own lives in the balance and the fate of the magical realm in their hands. -USA Today

In related news, Video Business also talked to director David Yates, who confirmed that Daniel Radcliffe will appear naked at one point during the last two movies.
In one scene, “a horcrux [carrying a piece of Voldemort's soul] defends itself by producing nightmarish visions, and one shows Hermione and Harry embracing and kissing,” explained Yates. “It’s something intriguing and sensual for Rupert to react to, and Dan will be bare for that.” -ComingSoon

Jesus Christ, Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe will be naked together while Rupert Grint watches?  They’re gonna have to use a special filter to film that. JJ Abrams might have to come collect the lens flares for his next Star Trek movie.  I haven’t seen that much pale skin in the same room since I skinned those pale chicks.