The Fast and the Furious was a film about a group of felonious street racers and the undercover police officer who was tasked with taking them down. Its sequel, 2 Fast 2 Furious, followed a similar premise, but took us all to Miami and replaced Vin Diesel with Tyrese. Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift — which is one of the greatest titles of anything ever — changed the formula entirely, focusing on a dollar store version of Paul Walker as he navigated a dangerous Japanese high school with Bow Wow, presumably because whatever it was cool and how many movies have you made? Anyway, the whole gang came back for 2009′s Fast & Furious, which ended (Spoiler Alert) by having Vin Diesel drive his car through a goddamn mountain and crush the bad guy against another car. And the most recent film, Fast 5, added The Rock, and was set in Brazil, and at one point they ripped a bank vault out of a building and drove all over the place towing it behind them on a 30-foot long chain while every police officer in Rio chased after them.
My point here is that these movies are awesome and America is a great, strong nation.
The first commercial for the sixth film in the franchise, Fast and Furious 6, debuted during the Super Bowl. As UPROXX’s resident expert on the series, I feel it is my duty to walk you all through it. I hope you like tanks and exploding planes.
Look, we’ve all been there: you’re sitting there watching a mediocre movie, let’s say Spider-Man 3, and on screen, emo Peter Parker is in the midst of shoving Mary Jane down on the floor. The theater is respectfully silent, until a drunk dude in the back says, “Awww, sh*t,” and the entire theater explodes in laughter. Yes, that was something I witnessed, and it was instances such as these, when the audience became the show, that prompted me to ask some of my favorite writers and comedians to share their stories of times when the theater where they were watching a film became far more entertaining than the film itself.
This week’s panel includes some of your old Uproxx pals, as well as Justin Halpern and Patrick Schumacker from Sh*t My Dad Says/I Suck At Girls/Cougar Town, XOJane Columnist and Twitter’s BoobsRadley Julieanne Smolinski, comedian Jamie Lee, who was just on Conan a few months back,So Close to Youauthor Rachel Carter, and my favorite San Francisco comedians and former Frotcast guests, Alison Stevenson and Leslie Small. Don’t blame any of them for the cutesy chapter headings though, I wrote those. Enjoy!
Remember these kids? They saw The Odd Life of Timothy Green the other day, and it brought to the fore their youthful inability to comprehend the inevitability of mortality. It was HILARIOUS! (See also: The girl who cried at Star Wars). Generally speaking, we here at FilmDrunk almost never condone crying – there’s far too much of it these days. Are you a Chopped judge touched by a contestant’s story? Are you on a reality show and haven’t seen your kids in a whole three days? Are you John Boehner? Please, get a hold of yourself. If a hard (but fair) slap across the face doesn’t sober you up, we may have to have you committed like old mom. Nonetheless, it happens to everyone from time to time, and it got us to thinking: everyone has that one movie that turns them into the proverbial blubbering wiener kid. So I did a poll of Uproxx friends and family asking them, “Is there a movie that always kicks you right in the wang, or a movie from childhood that you can specifically remember being more than you could handle?”
Most people hate and ignore me, but I did get responses from Spencer Hall of EveryDayShouldBeSaturday, Justin Halpern of Sh*t My Dad Says/I Suck At Girls, Laremy Legel, and Uproxx’s own Cajun Boy, Burnsy, Josh Kurp, Mike “Christmas Ape” Tunison, and Danger Guerrero. As well as my own response, of course. Hopefully it’s good toilet reading. Just try not to cry on the toilet, co-workers hate that. Don’t ask me how I know. Oh God, my fissures!
As Vince touched on earlier, Shia LaBeouf sat down for an interview with The Hollywood Reporter where he talked about a wide range of showbizzy-style things, including his fractured relationship with Steven Spielberg due to his harsh quotes about the last Indiana Jones film (“It brought me freedom, but it also killed my spirits because this was a dude I looked up to like a sensei”), his feelings about his new film Lawless (“I fought for Lawless. I didn’t jump onto anyone else’s coattail and ride their wave”), and working with director Lars von Trier on an upcoming film (“[He]‘s dangerous. He scares me. And I’m only going to work now when I’m terrified”). But the quotes that are getting the most play in the news are the ones he made about working in the studio system, for reasons I think you’ll pick up on very quickly.
“There’s no room for being a visionary in the studio system. It literally cannot exist,” he says. “You give Terrence Malick a movie like Transformers, and he’s f–ed. There’s no way for him to exist in that world.” [...]
“These [Voltage Pictures] dudes are a miracle. They give you the money, and they trust you — [unlike the studios, which] give you the money, then get on a plane and come to the set and stick a finger up your ass and chase you around for five months.”