“Does he ever stop yelling?”

Originally meant to be a straight-to-DVD excuse to let your TV babysit your children for two hours, Disney’s Planes was instead given an August 9 theatrical release date because producer John Lasseter needs another swimming pool. The animated spin-off of the wildly successful Cars franchise was also originally supposed to star Jon Cryer as the voice of the lead character, Dusty the Cropduster, but he dropped out, so Disney decided to go with someone who is even more relevant – Dane Cook.

Planes is about Dusty’s ambition to become a champion racer against all odds, as he has to overcome his fear of heights. A plane with a fear of heights? Now THAT I have to see! Especially if that plane is voiced by Frat House Weekly’s three-time Man of the Year.

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"What's the deal with people always going like this to you?"

Last week, I told you about Dane Cook’s allegedly disastrous drop-in set at The Laugh Factory (a story the AV Club broke), in which he discussed how he’d “chainsaw f*cked a disgusting whore’s c*nt,” and was derided for his “misogynistic, cruel, and arrogant” set by a number of fellow comedians, notably TJ Miller. I rarely trust other people’s accounts of comedy, or of disgusting whores’ c*nts, but with three or four other comics saying essentially the same thing, it seemed credible. And yeah, comics can be jealous and bitchy, but they’re also reliant on one another for shows and don’t usually talk about other comics bombing during drop-ins, at least not publicly.

Well now Dane Cook has issued his response (via LaughSpin), which you can read below. SPOILER ALERT: It’s not that funny, but probably not deserving of hatred, and everyone’s going to hate it.

“I’m back in the stand up octagon after a year off. I’m deeply inspired by various artists I admire. Certainly my friend and one of the great ones Patrice O’Neal passing away has fortified my belief that we, as comedians, all need to share and explore our souls up there — and sometimes our perspective on the whimsical minutia — in order to grow as artists and people.”

“I’ve always felt that comedians can’t be critics. They can be critical onstage, but it’s impossible to be both an artist and a critic.”

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Before this descends into the usual Dane Cook-bashing, I feel compelled to say that I do have some sympathy for the guy. Joke-stealing aside, he had a few okay bits, and if you’ve seen a lot of comedy, all things considered, you’d probably call him above-average. Then he got famous way too fast and it showed, and everyone hated him for it, and I’m not sure it was entirely his fault. He was more overexposed than terrible. (There are worse – have you ever seen Ant?)

Anyway, he stopped by the Laugh Factory for a drop in last night, and apparently it got ugly.

There were some, like Daniel Kinno, who found themselves bumped so that Cook could take the stage for as long as he wanted while he worked out new material, a raw process of discovery that Kinno describes thusly: “Watched him spiral for 45 minutes before I left. Could have been worse, he could have done his act.” YouTube star Jenna Marbles was slightly less charitable or pithy, saying, “Dane Cook took a sh*t on everyone. Might as well have been literally.” And stand-up comic and Late Night With Jimmy Fallon writer Ali Waller provided a more specific appraisal, saying, “Glad Dane Cook stopped by the Improv tonight, otherwise I’d never hear the story about how he ‘chainsaw-f*cked’ a ‘disgusting whore’s c*nt.’” [via AVClub]

To be fair, “chainsaw-f*cked a disgusting whore’s c*nt” is decent wordplay. And if he’d actually sh*t on everyone literally, he’d be hailed as an Andy Kaufman-level subversive genius. WHAT, BRO? THIS IS ALT COMEDY!

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"You ain't no Cedric."

Opening Everywhere: No new movies, just your mom’s legs. Burn.

Opening Somewhere: There are no movies opening in wide release this weekend, but if you check your local listings, you might be able to check out Shame, Answers to Nothing, Coriolanus, and Sleeping Beauty.

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince’s exact quote to me about this weekend was, “Save your money and take that special someone to see New Year’s Eve next weekend because it looks incredible.”

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Gary Oldman, Christian Slater, and Dane Cook are set to topline “a stylized crime thriller” from writer-director Michael Winnick that was apparently cast by the Family Guy manatees.  Hey, say what you will about Dane Cook’s comedy, the guy sure is a f*cking douche.

“Guns, Girls & Gambling,” throws Elvis impersonators, Indians, modern cowboys, a 6-foot-tall blond assassin, a frat boy, a corrupt sheriff and a prostitute into a chase for a priceless American Indian artifact stolen during a poker game at an Indian casino.
Slater plays a normal guy who in a drunken stupor joins an Elvis impersonation contest. Oldman is the contest’s mega-contender, and Cook will play the sheriff. [HeatVision]

A six-foot tall blond guy, you say?  Why, that’s almost TOO wacky!  Hey, how about this, maybe in addition to being six feet tall and blond, he’s always wearin’ t-shirts. Anyway, sounds like Go meets The Hangover meets a forehead the size of Mount Rushmore (Christian Slater’s).  I also like how they didn’t even bother giving it a title, they just named it after the pitch.  “Pulp Fiction?  Nah, I prefer ‘Hitmen, Drugs & Boxing.’  And no, I’m not punctuating it correctly, because f*ck that.”