People seem pretty excited about Prometheus, I assume because of the idea that it’s some kind of prequel to Alien with Ridley Scott directing, and I guess I can get onboard with that, as long as I try to forget that last horrible movie Ridley Scott directed. Damon Lindelof wrote the script with Jon Spaihts, and if there’s anything Lindelof and Scott’s last movies (Cowboys and Aliens and Robin Hood, respectively) have in common, it’s that they were boldly nonsensical. On the plus side, yay, Stringer Bell! (click through for the full sized poster)

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Lost co-creator and Cowboys and Aliens co-writer Damon Lindelof recently wrote a wrote a gushy homage to Raiders of the Lost Ark in honor of its 30th Anniversary, which was published in LA Times’ Hero Complex with the headline, ‘Lindelof’s love letter to a perfect movie.’ It certainly has a just-one-of-the-fans! charm, but… it’s also a piece about a film directed by the guy who produced Lindelof’s last project.

Here’s a few excerpts:

Although it’s easy to reduce “Raiders” to a “popcorn” movie — a piece of escapist adventure with fantastic action — very rarely is it appreciated for its pure innovative genius.  This is something people seemed to be well aware of back in 1981 (it was nominated for a best picture Oscar), but over time, the legacy of “Raiders” seems to neglect just how incredibly revolutionary it was as a film.

I could go on for pages about just the little things. Like the sound you make when Indy punches someone in the face. Or that Marion’s superpower is drinking. And don’t even get me started on the coat hanger. Where did that Nazi even get that thing? Did he special-order it? “I need somezing that vill terrify people when I take it out, but then give them a false zense of relief when I reveal it is simply somezing on vich to hang my coat.” Seriously. The best. But I know you’ve probably heard it all before and therefore, I’ll stick to the big stuff. First and foremost…

I love you because Indiana Jones is a nerd. Granted, a highly capable nerd who knows how to ride horses and fight real good, but still, at his core, Indy is an academic who’s motivated purely by his desire to find and retrieve really cool stuff so he can put it in a museum where other nerds can appreciate it. Also, he wears glasses and gets nervous when hot female students write the words “Love You” on their eyelids. Do you have any idea how much commitment is involved in writing “Love You” on your eyelids?  It’s really hard!  Not that I’ve ever done it… [...]

And while we’re on the subject of Dr. Jones, here’s another thing I love about him.  He’s actually scared of stuff.  This doesn’t seem like something that should be celebrated, but it’s actually quite rare for the hero of a movie to be scared of anything.  Do you know what Green Lantern is afraid of?  Fear. He is afraid of being afraid. Does that even make sense? Here’s what makes sense to be afraid of — Hissing Cobras and Gigantic Bald Nazis with mustaches trying to kill you. And it was perfectly OK for me to be scared of them because Indy was too.

And while we’re on the subject of Dr. Jones, here’s another thing I love about him.  He’s actually scared of stuff.  This doesn’t seem like something that should be celebrated, but it’s actually quite rare for the hero of a movie to be scared of anything.  Do you know what Green Lantern is afraid of?  Fear. He is afraid of being afraid. Does that even make sense? Here’s what makes sense to be afraid of — Hissing Cobras and Gigantic Bald Nazis with mustaches trying to kill you. And it was perfectly OK for me to be scared of them because Indy was too.

And so, we now arrive at your ending. This, more than anything else, is why my love for you is an undying one. Because we all know how movies like you are supposed to end. The hero fights off a bunch of evildoers, saves the girl, gets the thingamabob away from the bad guys before they can do any harm with it and then say something kinda cool before he rides off into the sunset.

But this, sweet Raiders, is not what you did.

Your big climax is not affected by Indiana Jones at all.  He’s tied to a pole with Marion the whole time, completely helpless as Belloq and his Nazi pals open the Ark. And while most heroes would perform some incredible act of selfless bravery, what does Indy do? He shouts at Marion to not even look at whatever is coming out of the very thing he has coveted for your entire duration.

In a world where movies and TV shows often end in ways that are sometimes unsatisfying bordering on outrage-inducing (yeah, yeah, I know), your ending, darling Raiders, is absolutely, exquisitely perfect.

I know I’m being a hater here. I’m sorry. It’s a nicely-written article (kudos especially for the veiled, self-deprecating Lost reference at the end there) and I share Lindelof’s great love and nostalgia for Raiders of the Lost Ark. But for as much as he gets his ass kissed, Spielberg might as well ride around town in a buttless litter carried by JJ Abrams and Kurtzman/Orci. Spielberg toadying is practically a cottage industry. “Rarely appreciated?” Are you f*cking serious? We already had two movies, one good and one terrible (Attack the Block and Super 8), that were basically love letters to 80s Spielberg (to say nothing of Paul), not to mention Captain America ripping off the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark almost shot-for-shot. And that’s just this year! We get it, the people making movies now reeeeally like Spielberg. That’s certainly a testament to his importance, but given how many movies he made and how many people saw them, it’s also little like saying McDonald’s made the most influential hamburger. A nerd hero! Imagine that! Jeez, no one ever does that anymore! Lindelof’s piece is the movie equivalent of one of Tom Friedman’s “We have to reduce our dependance on foreign oil!” editorials.

Uggghhh. I’m sorry, I know he’s right. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be in the back trying to write “No Sh*t” on my eyelids.

Cowboys and Aliens is an absurdist pastiche of overused action movie tropes (Bourne in the old west! With aliens!), which is occasionally compelling, if only for the sheer audacity of plot choices. That is to say, it’s ridiculous. And I’m a big fan of the ridiculous (see also: Lieutenant, Bad; Werner Herzog version of). I just wish Cowboys and Aliens‘ preposterousness wasn’t so couched in pre-fabricated stories and characters. It’s a lot like Lost, but even black smoke monsters and polar bears seemed more fresh than Cowboys, Indians, aliens, rocket hands, and amnesia. It plays like a producer brainstorming session that never got edited, which makes it all the more shocking that no one turns out to be a vampire or a hot cyborg lesbian (spoiler alert).

It’s hard to believe Lost exec producer Damon Lindelof had five co-writers, because the whole thing reeks of black smoke musk, from the character daddy issues driving every single plot point right down to the fat-faced kid with a dog who seems totally unnecessary to the plot. I imagine the writers meeting went something like this:

Alex Kurtzman: Cowboys!

Robert Orci: Indians! Aliens! James Bond! Indiana Jones–

Steve Oedekirk: (*loud gurgle, extended fart sound followed by terrible stench. the rest of the gang rolls his wheelchair outside before continuing*)

Lindelof: Amnesia! Religious themes! Re-incarnation–

Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby: [together] ROCKET HANDS! (*they smash their beer steins together, down the rest, and stomp off like the Bushwhackers*)

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A few days ago, Lost executive producer Damon Lindelof, who has 130,000 Twitter followers, Tweeted “Emma Frost’s THREE mutant powers: Telepathy, Transformation to Solid Diamond and last but not least, Sucking at Acting.”  It almost immediately got picked up by countless blogs and retweeted hundreds of times, because it turns out that a lot of people agree about January Jones’ acting vis-a-vis how much it sucks.  Well now Damon Lindelof is ashamed of what dicks you all are.  I guess some people have a lot of growing up to do.  Late last night he tweeted:

“I am only slightly less disgusted with the amount of play my X-Men comment got than I am with myself for making it in the first place.”

I enjoy watching the entertainment industry’s growing pains as they try to reconcile the consequences of having opinions with a forum that allows you to immediately broadcast your off-hand remarks to millions of people, even it’s 3 am and you’re sh*tcanned on booze and Ambien, NOT THAT I’M POINTING ANY FINGERS, SANJAY GUPTA.  Anyway, I just hope public figures stop self-flagellating for having the occasional controversial thought, or else we’re going to get a lot more Tweeters like Yoko Ono:

“Grapefruit is a hybrid of lemon and orange. Snow is a hybrid of wish and lament.”

Okay, that might not be such a bad thing.  On that note, I think Vespa scooters reflect the duality of anticipation and sashimi.

Cowboys and Aliens is your basic aliens-as-metaphor-for-imperialism graphic novel, and has been in development for quite some time.  But sh’t got real back in June when Robert Downey Jr. signed on to star, and sh’t's about to get mega super real now that Jon Favreau has signed on to direct a script written by Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci, and Damon Lindelof.  If you’re keeping score at home, that’s the writer/director team behind Iron Man plus the writers of Star Trek and Transformers, plus one of the top dogs at Lost.  If hotness were bricks, this project would have plenty.

The story centers on an Old West battle between the Apache and Western settlers, including a former Union Army gunslinger named Zeke Jackson (Downey), that is interrupted by a spaceship crashing into the prairie near Silver City, Ariz.  The story draws a parallel between the American imperialist drive to conquer the “savage” Indians with its advanced technology and the aliens’ assault on Earthlings, who must join together to survive the invaders’ attack. [THR]

Kurtzman, Orci & Co. (Kortzi) are taking over scripting duties from Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby (Fergby), which is interesting, as it’s well known in Hollywood circles that Kortzi/Fergby is a professional rivalry the likes of which some say hasn’t been seen since Beatles/Stones, or Brando/Schwarzenegger.  The dueling duos frequently attend the same parties, and after a few Zimas, have been known to engage in some heated chicken fights.

[via HeatVision]