^{Tell me… Is this where the weed at, Your Holiness?}

The Da Vinci Code sucked and Angels & Demons doesn’t look any better, but that didn’t stop Columbia from greenlighting a sequel as soon as the ink was dry on Dan Brown’s latest manuscript.  With any luck, there’s still time to convince Ron Howard to cut the translucent fuzz on top of his head before the next press tour. (*dry heave*)

Dan Brown has announced that his next installment of the “Da Vinci Code” series is “The Lost Symbol,” which will be published in the U.S. and Canada by Doubleday on September 15, 2009. The first print run will be a whopping 5 million copies.  “This is a great day for readers and booksellers,” said Sonny Mehta, chairman/editor in chief of the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group.

It is not a bad day for Columbia Pictures, either, which has another continuing global franchise to go along with “Spider-Man.” [Variety]

Yes, come to think of it, the Dan Brown trilogy is just like Spider-Man. Seems like every Halloween, more and more kids come to my door dressed in Tom Hanks wigs and plastic foreheads.  They love that biblical shit.

After the jump, I’ve got the full trailer for Angels and Demons, in which Tom Hanks takes his brotox forehead and weird floppy hair to Italy to do a passable Nic Cage impression and solve the age-old mystery at the heart of the Catholic church: does the pope indeed shit in the woods?  Or was that the bear?  Or maybe it was Nic Cage dressed as a bear.  These can’t be mere coincidences, people.
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Pretty much everyone who saw the Da Vinci Code hated it, but it made money so Tom Hanks and Ron Howard were forced to do the sequel, Angels and Demons, based on the book, which actually takes place (and was written) before the Da Vinci Code.  This is just a teaser with hardly any footage, but we do get to see that the Illuminati have branded some dude.  I don’t know who the Illuminati are, but judging by this I’m gonna have to guess they’re a black fraternity.

Bloodline is a documentary that investigates the real-life conspiracy theory behind The Da Vinci Code (the one about Jesus, not the one about Ron Howard bathing in the blood of children).

Director Bruce Burgess goes looking for trouble in the way of a Jesus-Mary Magdalene bloodline. In an adventure “worthy of Indiana Jones,” Burgess and team seek out the truth only to find that there are plenty of people who take notice when you start asking all the right questions. [FSR] 

My personal theory is that the Lord knocked up Mary Magdalene after a keg party when she was 15.  He later terminated the pregnancy to avoid statutory rape charges in what became known to my followers as “The Immaculate Abortion”.  And by “my followers”, I mean of course the Jews.  

Naomi Watts has reportedly signed up for Angels and Demons, the sequel/prequel to The Da Vinci Code starring Tom Hanks and helmed by Ron Howard. 

Dan Brown’s "Angels & Demons," published in 2000, introduced the Robert Langdon character played by Tom Hanks, a Harvard professor who’s an expert in religious symbols, in "Code." In "Angels," Langdon’s character tries to solve a murder and unravel a plot by an ancient group, the Illuminati, to blow up the Vatican during a papal conclave. 

Would it be naïve to hope (against hope) that this will be as good as the Da Vinci Code or, dare I say it, as good as the book on which it’s based??  Anyway, all I’m saying is, LOOK GOD, RON HOWARD’S INSULTING YOUR SON AGAIN, NOW’S YOUR CHANCE TO SMITE HIM!  SMITE SMITE SMITE!  Oh, and uh, there’s some people in Africa that are starving, and/or being raped and murdered or something.  Kind of a whenever-you-get-the-chance kind of a thing.   

It’s also important to note that Naomi Watts is an anagram for “I on twats, ma," which I find rather telling.