Relax, ma’am, God is here to help.  Wait, you’re not some kind of homo, right?

Wacky evangelicals are pretty much convinced the rest of us will be burning in hell for all eternity, which is why they produce and market movies without the taint of our dirty secular money.  Hehe, “taint”.  The backstory on this is that Krazy Kirk Kameron, formerly of Growing Pains, made a movie called Fireproof, about a fireman and his wife, with a not-so-subtle theme of helping people avoid brimstone and the gnashing teeth of satan’s minions and such.

To market it, they’ve stolen a page from the Nigerian’s scammer playbook (and their grammar guide) and are employing chain emails.  Here’s one, forwarded to me by a faithful FilmDrunkard who adds, “I have no idea who this woman is, or why she sent me this. So now you can have it.”

Dear Friends,
Greetings from Dallas, Texas. I want to highly recommend a movie that
will be released September 26th called “Fireproof”.  I was privileged
this summer to see a full screening of this movie and in my opinion it
is outstanding. As of July the screening itself was making an impact.
Teenagers were giving the review that it was giving them HOPE!  At the
same point of time in the screening process, it was 16% above the
Passion of the Christ which was at 76% approval rate it was already at
92% approval rate.

Passion is listed at 50% approved on RottenTomatoes and 46% on Metacritic, and Firepoof’s listing has no reviews yet on either.  The discrepancy is probably some customs snafu – I bet if you send a cashier’s check they’ll tell you where the numbers came from.  More crazy after the jump

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Last month, former UFC Light Heavyweight champ Rampage Jackson ran from the police, sideswiping a car, narrowly missing pedestrians, driving on the wrong side of the road, and other assorted reckless crap. No one was hurt, though the pregnant driver of a car he sideswiped did have a miscarriage (but if you ask me,if you have a miscarriage because someone scraped the side of your car, your kid was probably going to be a pussy anyway).

Rampage pleaded guilty to various charges and is awaiting sentencing. He faces a maximum of up to three years in prison, but will probably just get probation. Which brings us to today, when more about the events surrounding Rampage’s rampage have come to light. Besides not sleeping for three days and consuming nothing but energy drinks, it all comes down to a crappy movie.

The chase apparently ended in front of friend Brian Talbert’s home. Rampage had spent the night before watching the DVD of “The Secret” over and over again, and then remembered he had loaned a copy to Talbert, and became obsessed with getting to him to make sure he watched it.

I’m including the first 20 minutes of The Secret after the jump. I got through about five minutes of it. They use the usual cult/huckster tactic of going on and on about how “the mystical something” gave the bald guy hair, made the paraplegic walk, and made everyone’s dicks grow without ever telling you what that something is. Luckily someone at Cage Potato actually made it to the end:

For those of you unaware, “The Secret” is a completely ridiculous New Age-type philosophy that encourages people to change physical reality through the sheer force of thought. It is, in other words, alchemy for the modern idiot.

I like Rampage. But someone should tell him giant scary black guys who beat people up for a living don’t need positive thinking to get what they want. Seriously man, just holler.
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Everyone’s favorite wholesome-bots The Jonas Brothers will be getting their own 3-D concert film.  Hooray, now your kids can be even farther removed from anything real!

The movie, to hit theaters in 2009, will feature footage from the group’s upcoming "Burning Up" concert tour, as well as a behind-the-scenes look at the lives of bandmates Kevin, Joe and Nick.

For instance, sometimes they play Sorry backstage, other times Uno.  But one time, they played Chubby Bunny and Nick fit 13 marshmallows in his mouth LOL!

The tour will kick off in Toronto on July 4; in addition, the band can be seen this summer in the Disney Channel original movie "Camp Rock," premiering June 20. The trio has a Disney Channel series, "J.O.N.A.S.!," debuting in the fall, and its next album is scheduled for release in August. [Yahoo]

I’d let my kids watch a Cannibal Corpse video called Satan Gutrapes a Lab Puppy before the Jonas Brothers, but if you’re interested, I managed to dig up some concert footage after the jump.

MMM, drink up, taste and swallow it. Which one of you kids wants a Banana Smoothie? Don’t fight, daddy made enough for everybody.

In case you missed it the other day, Twilight is a hugely popular book series about a teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire, soon to be a feature film (trailer after the jump).  The vampire is perfectly groomed despite not being able to see his own reflection – pretty much the perfect man.  

But the chick who wrote it is also a hardcore Mormon.  It’s a trap, man!  I just know the second you finish one of these books you’ll pass out, and when you finally come to a couple of days later, you’ll have a bland haircut and will be wearing magic underwear. 

Though, to be fair, I also thought Harry Potter was a cult.  American Idol?  Cult.  Deal or No Deal?  Cult.  High School Musical?  The Hills?  Negro music?  Cult, Cult, Cult.  Cults are the biggest threat to America.  That’s why I had to stab that cult leader down at the DMV. 

UPDATE: The poster just hit the web over at MTV.  It poses the question "When you can live forever, what do you live for?"  Teenage poon seems to be the answer.

The Tom Cruise parody I just put up reminded me of cults, and then FilmDrunkard Ohad sent me this – the trailer for The Moses Code movie. 

As you can see from the trailer, and most likely from the seminar that will accompany any screenings, The Moses Code will change your life.  Some other people learned about the Moses Code, and their lives have never been the same.  You need to learn all about the Moses Code, because it will be like opening your eyes for the first time.  They aren’t allowed to tell you what the Moses Code is because you won’t be able to understand it yet. The Moses Code is the world’s best-kept secret.  That’s why when we talk about the Moses Code, we always lower our voices to a whisper.

I really want to find out what the code is so I can learn to teleport around the room like that – that shit’s crazy.  The Moses Code must be like Jumper or something.