Folks, we’re about to go deep down a douche rabbit hole here, so fair warning. I promise it will be interesting, but you dance with the devil and the devil don’t change and all of that. Just know what you’re getting into. So, a while back, Olivia Munn wrote a book (“Suck it, Wonder Woman”). One of the juicier passages, so to speak, was a story about short, fat, egotistical director who performed a horrible act on himself while she was alone in a dressing room with him. Now, king crotch-fondler himself, Brett Ratner, has come forward to admit that the crotch-fondler in question was him, though he denies some of her story’s more crotch-fondly aspects. (I believe him, but we’ll get to that).

On Thursday [during an appearance on Munn's old show, Attack of the Show], Ratner came clean, saying that he was that bigwig director, but denied ever having such glistening, self-pleasuring hands. “I used to date Olivia Munn, I’ll be honest with everyone here. But when she was ‘Lisa.’ She wasn’t Asian back then,” he said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ah yes, the old she-wasn’t-even-Asian defense. “And bros, I think I know Asians, I’ve done three movies with Jackie Chan.”

“She was hanging out on my set of ‘After the Sunset,’ I banged her a few times, but I forgot her. Because she changed her name. I didn’t know it was the same person and so when she auditioned for me for a TV show, I forgot her, she got pissed off, and so she made up all these stories about me eating shrimp and masturbating in my trailer. And she talked about my shortcomings.” [HuffPo via TheSuperficial]

Yes, pure class, that guy. Now, as luck would have it, I actually had the misfortune of reading Olivia Munn’s book. It might be hard to remember now, but there was a time when I thought she might actually have something to say and just hadn’t been given the opportunity yet. She wrote a book? Ooh, that’s interesting, I thought, now was her chance to open up, tell the world who she really was, beyond a pretty girl in a Star Wars outfit. Instead, it was 300 pages of pictures of Olivia Munn dressed as sexy versions of historical women, badly photoshopped Olivia Munn fan art (from the chapter “My fans rule”), and bold, scintillating assertions such as, “Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t think so. Nerds are sexy.”

Basically, a doubling-down on her semi-fake “hot nerd girl” persona. Anyway, I say this only to dispel anyone who reads the following passage from buying the book thinking it’s going to be all anecdotes about fat directors masturbating. Ho no no, don’t we wish. In any case, here are some excerpts from the lone chapter about a fat director masturbating.

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A few weeks ago, I brought you the news that Rush Hour/Money Talks director Brett Ratner* will be producing this year’s Oscars telecast. In a shocking turn of events, it seems his first choice of host is a wise-cracking black guy. Ratner is scheduled to meet with Academy president Tom Sherak on Tuesday to present his shortlist of prospective hosts, and according to Deadline, that list consists of just one name: Eddie Murphy (somewhere, Chris Tucker sheds a single tear). I’m sure Ratner thought Eddie Murphy would be the best man for the job, and this has nothing to do with him starring in a Brett Ratner movie that opens in November. Either way, this will mark the first time the teleprompter has ever had “obnoxious shouting” as a stage direction.

Insiders tell me that Ratner since getting the Academy Awards producing gig has only been talking to one person: Eddie. It’s been along the lines of, “If the Academy asked you to host, would you accept?” I learned that Eddie is “showing interest”.

Because in Hollywood, answering a yes-or-no question requires at least twelve lunch meetings, plus three-pre-lunch meetings to discuss locations for the first lunch meeting. Turns out, Brett Ratner just really likes lunch.

Eddie, who was nominated for Best Supporting Actor in 2006′s Dreamgirls but lost, is said [BY A MYSTERIOUS PERSON OF INTEREST! -Ed] to worship the Oscars. “Nobody knows movies better or is a bigger cinephile than Eddie. Not Brett. Not even Quentin Tarantino. Eddie can quote scenes from every single movie word for word,” an insider tells me. “He can bring all that experience to hosting. Plus he has Saturday Night Live experience before a live crowd. And worldwide the biggest crossover comedians are Will Smith and Eddie Murphy.” [Deadline]

What?! Brett Ratner is a waay bigger cinefile than… oh wait, you said CINEfile? Nevermind, I was thinking of something else. One thing they don’t mention about Murphy’s 2006 Oscar nomination is that he stomped out when he lost to Alan Arkin, but I suppose that does prove that he cares. But even if Ratner did make this choice purely out of his own selfish interests, I’m into it. I haven’t seen an Eddie Murphy movie in almost a decade and he’s become a bit of a mystery. The only question now is, who will be his wacky interracial sidekick?? Let’s brainstorm! Fill in the blank: Eddie Murphy’s co-host should be…. ____.

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Brett Ratner has been hired to co-produce this year’s Oscars telecast, and the first article I read about it fittingly had the headline “Brett Ratner is Ready for Your Jokes.” Because, you see, even the most staid, mainstream periodicals know that Brett Ratner is a joke.

AMPAS President Tom Sherak, with the blessing of co-producer Don Mischer, hired director Brett Ratner (he of “Rush Hour” franchise fame and the upcoming “Tower Heist”) to work alongside Mischer in pulling off the 2012 Academy Award extravaganza.
While many might think Ratner is an unusual choice, the Academy wants to appeal to a young, hip Twitter-centric audience that unfortunately didn’t quite connect with Franco and Hathaway.

“Hoping to appeal to a younger crowd, the Academy hired a producer with the mind of a child.”

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Going against his normal strategy of staying attached to a project just long enough to impress people at a Jonas Brothers concert, Brett Ratner has actually directed a movie. Tower Heist stars Ben Stiller as the manager of a luxury apartment complex, where in the penthouse lives a rich investor played by Alan Alda. When Stiller and the rest of the apartment staff discover that Alda is a scam artist who’s lost all their money in a Ponzi scheme (TOPICAL!), he leads the plucky crew of knockaround schlubs that includes Precious and Casey Affleck in a heist to steal back their money (because Jamaican house cleaners always have plenty of disposable income to invest with Wall Street guys, didn’t you know?). The story of a dorky Jewish guy proving how down with the brother man he is really spoke to Ratner, but to give it the full nachos-stained crotch fondle, he brought on Eddie Murphy as the criminal consultant to give it that quintessential Brett Ratner scene, an interracial buddy duo arguing in a car. Will they argue about the radio? Soul food? Boxing? I can’t wait to find out!

"HEY I SEE A TRANNY PULL OVER!"

And there’s really loud music playing over the whole thing, because Brett Ratner movies are essentially the conversation you have at a club, where the content doesn’t matter as long as there’s enough background noise to convince stupid people they’re having fun. NTZ NTZ NTZ NTZ NTZ NTZ…

[via Yahoo, opens November 4th]

"I sense a great disturbance in the force, as if a million balls cried out in joy and were suddenly fondled."

X-Men: First Class grossed $56 million over the weekend, which is ridiculously good for the average film, but still the worst opening of any of the X-Men films. Many people blame Wolverine for turning people off to the franchise, as well as Brett Ratner’s X3, which grossed $102 million in its opening weekend back in May 2006, despite “chugging a big bowl of monkey schlongs” (according to scientists).  The question is, what was Brett Ratner trying to say with his series of tweets yesterday to X-Men box office comparisons?  He was quick with a phony congratulations to X-Men: First Class director Matthew Vaughn this morning (complete with the multiple of exclamation points of disingenuousness).  But as Pajiba points out, hiding behind box office numbers wouldn’t be the first time he made preposterous a statement in defense of his terrible movie.

I’M THE BLOCK QUOTE, BITCH:

It was a tacky thing to do. But, I suppose that’s to be expected from the director who once said this about The Last Stand as compared to Bryan Singer’s opening installments: “Mine was the one that made the most narrative sense. And I’m not knocking Bryan’s movie but he just does a certain thing; Bryan uses his brain and I use my eye and my instincts more. It’s a whole different approach to making a movie. I’m not saying my movie wasn’t smart; I just wasn’t intellectualizing it.” [Pajiba]

That’s right, Brett Ratner doesn’t intellectualize decisions like you effeminate academics.  He goes with his gut, and you can’t learn that in any school (except maybe at the six-week Gut Seminar Ratner sponsors at the New York Film Academy, but a place that advertises in the back of magazines hardly counts as a “school”).  It’s just a wonder his gut ever tells him anything besides “MOAR NACHOS, PLZ.”  In any case, the question remains: was the Rat Man gloating?  I decided to take a look back through his recent tweets for clues, and this is what I found:

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