A member of SEAL Team Six discovers that bin Laden’s pubes were left everywhere in that house.

It’s a big week for DVD releases as a bunch of the holiday season heavy hitters are now available for your home viewing pleasure.  Today sees the release of both The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey as well as Zero Dark Thirty, and in a few days both Les Misérables and This Is 40 come out as well. But wait, there’s more:  We’ve also got movies starring Lizzy Caplan, Luke Wilson, Parker Posey, and Haley Joel Osment.  We’ve got bachelorettes and shadow people, and also legless whale trainers and kickboxers. We’ve even got rust and bone.  All that and some cartoon lesbians as well!

The DVDs:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Zero Dark Thirty
Les Misérables
This Is 40
Bachelorette
Straight A’s
Price Check
Sassy Pants
Rust And Bone
The Girl
The Other Son
Hellgate
Shadow People
Adventures In Appletown
23 Minutes To Sunrise
Strange Frame

Streaming: check out your choices here.

I know you’re intrigued by the legless whale trainer, so continue reading to find out which movie has her. You might as well; you’re already going to in search of those cartoon lesbians.  On the other hand, if you insist that you only see movies with real, live, two-legged straight women, you can always just click the link for the streaming picks, but to be honest, most of the DVDs have straight, legged (and straight-legged) women in them as well, so it would still be your loss. Read the rest of this entry »

Crash, Paul Haggis’ sleazy 2005 cartoon about race relations, is probably the worst film to win a Best Picture Oscar in the last ten years.  Something to collect awards and be quickly forgotten… right?  The other day a friend asked me if I’d noticed that Crash had been the top Netflix rental for as long as he could remember.  I assumed it was a software glitch.  Amazingly, it wasn’t.  It turns out, Newsweek did a story a few weeks back (Pajiba brought it to my attention) on the most-rented Netflix movies of all time, and Crash was number one.  Crash.  The most Netflixed movie of all time.

1. Crash (2005)
2. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
3. The Bucket List (2007)
4. The Departed (2006)
5. Iron Man (2008)
6. No Country for Old Men (2007)
7. The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)
8. The Proposal (2009)
9. Gran Torino (2008)
10. Casino Royale (2006)

Even putting Crash aside, there’s a lot of WTF going on in there.  The Bucket List?  Really?  That’s… weird. I get the feeling Netflix is overwhelmingly composed of semi-hip middle-aged white people. It’s the Don Henley concert of websites.

Also fun: the interactive Netflix map.

^{THIS SUMMER… SCREAMING AND CRYING AND BEATING OUR CHESTS!}

The following story disturbs me far more than the Japanese gore orgy I posted less than an hour ago.  Crash has been Neflix’s top rental for almost four years running.

“The Dark Knight” couldn’t dethrone it.  Neither could Harry Potter, Indiana Jones or even Iron Man. No, “Crash” has remained Netflix’s No. 1 rented movie since its DVD debut in September 2005—much to the delight and confusion of its director, Paul Haggis.  “I just assumed it was some sort of anomaly,” Haggis told the Tribune recently. “I have no idea why anyone went to the movie in the first place, let alone rent it. It was a little independent film, and when people started to see it, I was amazed.” [ChicagoTribune]

That makes two of us. Crash was a sleazy, sensationalist piece of trash that made me want to shower after I watched it – the perfect example of what happens when you turn “gritty realism” into a ridiculous cartoon.  You can just imagine the upper-class white liberal writer thinking “Yeah, man, and then when the cop shoots the little Mexican girl for no reason, people will be sad, but they should be, because that’s the reality out there on the streets, man.”  No.  No it’s not.  You just made that up because you’re a dick and you like ruining everyone’s day.  Frankly, the whole thing is ludacris.  Shut up, I know where the corner is.

Crossing Over is another Crash clone set in the intense boiling racial melting pot cauldron of Los Angeles, where caricatures from all over the world come to get caught up in a series of sensationalistic vignettes about important social issues.  Can Indiana Jones solve the immigration problem?  Not if Henry Hill has anything to say about it.  Who will emerge triumphant??  The viewer!*

*Not really.

Watch in HD at Yahoo.

^{Oh sheet, ése, they’re bout to throw chingasos. Ten bucks on el gato sério.}

That 70′s Show’s Wilmer Valderrama stars in this brand new red-band trailer for Crash 2: Eclectic Pukaloo Days of Wrath, set in the hot simmering intense racial boiling pot gangland cauldron fart that is Los Angeles.

The plot: Some Mexicans shoot an Asian chick while stealing a black guy’s shiny car! I wonder if the whiteys will say racist things and the Jews will act neurotic and the Koreans will open grocery stores that take money out of the black community! OMG, the racial problems so complex!  Can’t we all just get along? 

Coming soon to a theater new you, probably owned by a greasy dego wop who grabs his balls a lot.
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