When it comes to doing more with less, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg could challenge Helen Keller. These two idiots have now written and directed five of their own parody movies (I’m not including the Scary Movies, where they were part of a team), none of which rated higher than 10% on rottentomatoes. In fact, only one rated higher than 5%. Everyone hates their movies, and for good reason – they’re f*cking terrible. And yet it seems to be working out for them. A few years ago, Aaron Seltzer was living in a $3 million house. I suspect the saving grace is that the only people who see their movies don’t know who they are and have outgrown them by the time their next movie comes out. They just sort of piggyback on a phenomenon and catch whatever money falls out.

Anyway, this week comes word that they’ll be turning their withering eye for satire on The Hunger Games. Hope you like epic pwnage, Hunger Games!

Spoof auteurs Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have come onboard to write and direct “The Starving Games,” with K5 selling its international rights at Cannes.

Though “The Hunger Games” will be front and center for many of the jokes, other pics to be pilloried include “The Avengers,” “Sherlock Holmes” and the finale of the “Harry Potter” franchise. Wild Bunch has already snapped up the German rights, and Falcon has taken the Middle East. [Variety]

“The Starving Games.” That’s all you really need to know about these jackasses. “Hunger Games” is already a perfectly adequate title for implying that the characters are starving, all they did was take what was already there and make it louder, because their audience wouldn’t understand anything unless it was shouted. HAHA, ONE FLEW OVER THE CRAZY’S NEST, GET IT? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE SOMEONE’S DRESSED LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN!

If you pay money to see a Seltzer-Friedberg movie, you’re worse than Al-Qaeda.

Here’s the latest clip from Snow White and the Huntsman, a movie that looks like what would happen if you stuck a book of fairy tales, a Tapout shirt, and a Disturbed CD into that machine from The Fly and sprinkled them with cocaine. As you watch this, keep in mind that people around town are so high on this project that they already pulled the trigger on another script written by Evan Daugherty, and the studio is already fast-tracking a sequel. Yes, a sequel to Snow White & The Huntsman. Which is interesting, because the most impressive thing about this clip is how thoroughly it was able to convince me what a flaming turd this is going to be in just 38 seconds. Did you know: This made it onto the list of the best screenplays of the year? What could this script even look like?

INT. QUEEN’S CASTLE

Black stalactites fall from the vaulted ceiling, form into stalactite men, and attack. All looks grim until THOR shoulder charges one of them and they instantly disappear.

THE QUEEN
Come, and avenge your father.

BELLA SWAN
(looking heartburned) YAAAAAAAAAAAH!

They fight.

Fin.

It has to have more grunting sounds and ketchup stains than actual dialog, right? Oh man. This is going to terrible. Opens June 1st.

Here’s the latest trailer for Rock of Ages, starring Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julianne Hough, and the invisible grinning face of Satan. This warmed-over pile of stupid clichés and pandering is impressive only the sense that I think I actually barted when I saw it. That’s when you barf and fart at the same time.

Not even a baboon in a leather jacket could get me to see this.

Boy, what would attractive white kids do without wise black folks to give them advice but not hog any of their spotlight? I hope this movie gets cancer.

Battleship (BASED ON THE CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED BOARD GAME!) has a new trailer out, and after watching it, I’ve come up with an awesome new slogan: Battleship — It’s not the SIZE of the ship, it’s the ‘splosions in the ocean! (The motion of the ‘splosion?) No, no, please, you can have that one, free of charge. Really, it’s my pleasure.

Which is to say, yeah, it’s still about alien battleships that jump. But it’s also got Admiral Rihanna (yes, Rihanna plays a naval officer. Yes, Rihanna the singer) dispensing folksy wisdom. “MAH DADDY DUN TOLE ME DA ALIEEN GONE COME BACK ONE DAY! HE SAY WE AIN’T ALONE!” Oh, Magic Negro. What would our action films be without you?

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I’m excited to report this story, because just the phrase “bloated tentpole” gets me all hot and bothered (mmm, yeah, baby, I want you in all four quadrants). So last we heard, Disney had cancelled Bruckheimer’s (bloated tentpole) The Lone Ranger, because it was going to cost $250 million. And it cost $250 million because, obviously, it had werewolves in it (or more specifically, according to ThePlaylist, “supernatural wolves” – “the 2009 draft we read by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio features supernatural wolves, a legion of coyotes and the Wendigo, a cannibalistic Native American spirit”).

Today, the Hollywood Reporter says that in the most recent script, the werewolves were gone. …And it was STILL going to cost $250 million. Why the what I don’t even…

According to sources who have read recent drafts, three massive action set pieces involving trains remain, including one described as the biggest train sequence in film history.

Was a it a train sequence EVEN BIGGER THAN A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING??!? Anyway, you’ll be glad to learn that they’re still trying to get this film made, and the latest is that Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski have lowered their fees by $10 million (!!!) and trimmed the budget to around $242 million. But Disney still wants it at $220 million or less. And even at that price, they claim it would have to gross $800 million worldwide just to turn a profit. Holy. Sh*t.

Even at the cost Disney has targeted, the film would have to gross about $800 million worldwide to be profitable when marketing and rich backends to Depp, Verbinski and Bruckheimer are factored in.

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