“Put ‘er there. Now let’s go out there and get us an easy paycheck.”

Yesterday I posted the poster for RIPD, a graphic novel movie starring Ryan Reynolds and Jeff Bridges, that I described as “White Men in Black.” Now we have a trailer, and my initial impression still seems accurate. Directed by Robert Schwentke, who previously directed Flightplan, Time Traveler’s Wife, and Red (which Burnsy loves, as he’ll often scream from his stoop at random passersby), it tells of a newly dead police officer played by Ryan Reynolds, who joins the “Rest in Peace Department” (why do I get the sense that coming up with this acronym was where this idea started and ended?), a crew of dead cops who stop other dead folks from… uh… I dunno, taking over the world or something, f*ck you. (“Your job is catching deados, the bad souls that escape judgment,” Mary Louise Parker helpfully explains). He teams up with another dead cop from the cowboy days, played by Jeff Bridges, and they get to use big ol’ guns that are apparently better for shooting dead people, and making them double dead or something, who cares, f*ck you. So yeah, it’s Men in Black,  but with ghosts. My only question is how this is opening in July and not January.

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You guys, I look at this banner image and actually feel bad for Topher Grace. That’s how bad this is. Just imagine if they combined ALL YOUR FAVORITE F*CKED-OUT ROM-COM PLOTS into ONE SOULLESS VACCUUM OF A CHARDONNAY FART?!?

THIS SUMMER! KATHERINE HEIGL QUEEFS INTO YOUR EYES, EARS, AND MOUTH! ROBERT DENIRO’S AGENT TRADES HIS LAST SHRED OF CREDIBILITY FOR AN EIGHT-BALL! AMANDA SEYFRIED SOMETHING SOMETHING DONKEY NOISE!

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As if being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer didn’t already guarantee a complete and utter clusterf*ck, there have been rumors going around almost since the beginning about what a complete and utter clusterf*ck the development of The Lone Ranger was. Back in August, there was word that the film would need to gross $800 million worldwide to turn a profit (and that was with a $220 million budget). That was even after the werewolves had been taken out. Yep, frickin’ werewolves. Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski reportedly trimmed the budget down to a modest $215 million back in October after Disney threatened to shut it down, but now The Hollywood Reporter says it has ballooned back up to $250 million.

Several sources say the effects-heavy Lone Ranger is now back at its original cost of $250 million, while one source close to the production says it has surpassed that figure.
“It’s up to a number they didn’t want,” says one insider.
Verbinski is again being asked to cut scenes — he already made such sacrifices as losing a major train sequence in the first round of trims — and rewrites are underway, according to a source.

Trains, always with the f*ckin’ trains. Half this article is about trains. This guy’s as bad as Tony Scott. I just like the idea of a bunch of suits sitting around a conference table going, “Trains? Well of course. You can’t have a Lone Ranger movie without werewolves and trains.”

Period trains are a huge element in the movie, say sources, and Verbinski opted for the production to construct its own locomotives from scratch rather than employ existing railroad vehicles.

Well look, when you make a movie about Johnny Depp making funny faces at stuff, you gotta have stuff for him to make funny faces at. It’s filmmaking 101.

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When it comes to doing more with less, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg could challenge Helen Keller. These two idiots have now written and directed five of their own parody movies (I’m not including the Scary Movies, where they were part of a team), none of which rated higher than 10% on rottentomatoes. In fact, only one rated higher than 5%. Everyone hates their movies, and for good reason – they’re f*cking terrible. And yet it seems to be working out for them. A few years ago, Aaron Seltzer was living in a $3 million house. I suspect the saving grace is that the only people who see their movies don’t know who they are and have outgrown them by the time their next movie comes out. They just sort of piggyback on a phenomenon and catch whatever money falls out.

Anyway, this week comes word that they’ll be turning their withering eye for satire on The Hunger Games. Hope you like epic pwnage, Hunger Games!

Spoof auteurs Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have come onboard to write and direct “The Starving Games,” with K5 selling its international rights at Cannes.

Though “The Hunger Games” will be front and center for many of the jokes, other pics to be pilloried include “The Avengers,” “Sherlock Holmes” and the finale of the “Harry Potter” franchise. Wild Bunch has already snapped up the German rights, and Falcon has taken the Middle East. [Variety]

“The Starving Games.” That’s all you really need to know about these jackasses. “Hunger Games” is already a perfectly adequate title for implying that the characters are starving, all they did was take what was already there and make it louder, because their audience wouldn’t understand anything unless it was shouted. HAHA, ONE FLEW OVER THE CRAZY’S NEST, GET IT? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE SOMEONE’S DRESSED LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN!

If you pay money to see a Seltzer-Friedberg movie, you’re worse than Al-Qaeda.

Here’s the latest clip from Snow White and the Huntsman, a movie that looks like what would happen if you stuck a book of fairy tales, a Tapout shirt, and a Disturbed CD into that machine from The Fly and sprinkled them with cocaine. As you watch this, keep in mind that people around town are so high on this project that they already pulled the trigger on another script written by Evan Daugherty, and the studio is already fast-tracking a sequel. Yes, a sequel to Snow White & The Huntsman. Which is interesting, because the most impressive thing about this clip is how thoroughly it was able to convince me what a flaming turd this is going to be in just 38 seconds. Did you know: This made it onto the list of the best screenplays of the year? What could this script even look like?

INT. QUEEN’S CASTLE

Black stalactites fall from the vaulted ceiling, form into stalactite men, and attack. All looks grim until THOR shoulder charges one of them and they instantly disappear.

THE QUEEN
Come, and avenge your father.

BELLA SWAN
(looking heartburned) YAAAAAAAAAAAH!

They fight.

Fin.

It has to have more grunting sounds and ketchup stains than actual dialog, right? Oh man. This is going to terrible. Opens June 1st.