“Oi, you cunts, it’s da Staf’ ‘ere again. Oy bet yous fought you’d ‘eard da last a me, ‘adn’t cha?  Bollocks ta dat, dere’s nuffin da cunts round ‘eah loike more den repeat’in a fock’n joke, now duz dey?  Roight.  So da Staf’ is back in dis new traila for Crank 2.  In dis one, da wroiters ‘as come up wiv a story dat da Staf’ ‘as an artificio ‘eart.  An’ oy’s got ta keep fockin’ rechahgin it. ‘Ence da title, “’igh Voltage”.  Da plot is well fock’n good, cuz it means dat da Stafe ‘as got ta keep takin moy fock’n shir’ off – which puts da birds in da fock’n seats, now doesn’ dey?  Roight, so den Oy punch a few Choinese cunts, groind down a rail in moy sneakaz, knob an old lady – really, da only paht a da traila Oy don’t loike is when dey show da Staf’ wiv an oiPhone.  Oy used to ‘ave an oiPhone.  Put moy fist fru foive of da touchscreens before Oy gave up.  It’s loike dem cunts ‘asn’t realoized dat some blokes’ touch is loighta den ovvas.”

And now, The Four Moods of Jason Statham:

If you scroll through them fast enough, your panties disappear.

[Trailer courtesy of Empire]

Thing about Crank 2, from concept to marketing to finished product, the guiding principle seems to have been, “Imagine you’re a baby in the womb, and Jason Statham kicked your mother in the uterus.”  And I’m here to say that that was a wise decision.  In the words of Patton Oswalt, “Statham!  Yell it while you’re f-cking!”

This picture is my favorite.  Oi, whass dat, severe ‘ead?  …Fock’n ‘ell, Oy fink you’re roight, dere is no reason dat Oy should ‘ave a shir’ on roight now.

[Poster source = Firstshowing; pictures = CHUD]

Watch the trailer for Crank 2: High Voltage below.  In the meantime, The Stath describes the action:

Oi, ‘appy Froiday, ya worfless cunts.  ‘eah’s da new traila fa moy new movie, Da Transpor’a paht Crank: Da Deafrace.  In da beginnin’, oy’s all loike, “Moy naime ees Chev Chelios…” an’ den you’s expectin me ta say “…an’ todaiy’s da day oy doy.” But a course oy didn’ doy, ovvawoise oy wouldn’ be maikin da fock’n movie, now would oy ya cunts?  Anyway, in da movie, some Choinese cunts ‘as replaced moy ‘eart wif an art a fisho ‘eart, and da batt-ery only lasts one hour.  So den oy’s only got one hour ta droive round in sazz wagons, go boatin, knob birds, punch out some Mexican blokes wif tattoos onna face, an foind da cunts dat ‘as stolen moy real ‘eart (which a course is made a gold, donnit). Ovva den dat, Oy knob an old woman, attach a sazz wagon battery to moy nippos, groind a bloody rail wif me sneakas, an’ finga blahst a cigarette loighta.  Cunts is already sayin dat dis is da Staf’s most realistic movie eva.

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On the left we have Dead Snow, featuring chainsaw-decapitated Nazi zombies, while on the right we have Crank 2, with metal fingers, track marks and high voltage.  I’m gonna have to give a slight edge to Crank 2, if only because it has Jason Statham’s name on it.  The name alone is worth at least three Cannibal Corpse albums.  Plus, the Stath wouldn’t need a chainsaw, he decapitates Nazis with his dick.

[via Rush Print and IMPA]

Happy new year indeed. Crank 2 has finally showed the world how you make a red band trailer (video slightly NSFW for language and brief nudity). Keep an eye out for the Jenna Haze cameo. Statham commentary to follow.

Oi, cunts, da Staf ‘ere. Oy donno if you cunts rememba, but a whoile back, dis French cunt wiz troyin ta say dat da Staf’s characta in da Transpor’a pahts one an two wiz gaiy.  Now, whoilst da Staf ain’ got nuffin against da gaiys, if a cunt calls da Staf gaiy, Oy’s ain’ got no choice but ta do everyfing in moy powa ta prove da cunt wrong, now doesn’ dey?  So dat’s whin Oy stah’ed callin’ cunts on da fone an sayin’, “Oi.  Moy naime ees Chev Chelios, an’ todaiy’s da day Oy doy.”  Oi, you cunts rememba dat movie, donnit?  Roighto, so long story fock’n short, Oy’s doin’ anuvva Chev Chelios movie, an’ dis toime, oy’s shaggin da birds roight on da camera.  So if some cunt comes along an troys ta say dat da Staf is a gay, you kin just point to da fock’n screen an say, “Oi, cunt, if da Staf is gay, den whoy ‘as ‘e got ‘is dong stuck in dat bird?” An’ da cunt’ll probly feel well stupid, cuz what koinda gay ‘as got ‘is knob inna bird?