Here’s Sexman’s review of Observe and Report, which opened last week. He more or less agreed with me.

Opening this week:
Anvil! The Story of Anvil - The heavy-metal, documentary version of The Wrestler opens in five more cities this week, now playing in Toronto, New York, Los Angeles, Irvine, Seattle, Cambridge (Mass.), and Montreal.  Their story is kind of like that clip of the old British lady your mom keeps emailing me, but more metal.

17 Again – Zac Efron and Matthew Perry star in a movie you’ve already seen if you’ve ever seen a movie. Check out Zac Efron on the Today Show. Really, Today Show?  You’re gonna let Zac Efron talk about this like it’s a serious movie?  Jesus.  He’s like a robot raised by publicists.

Crank High Voltage – I know it’s a deliberately ridiculous Jason Statham vehicle, but it just gives me a trying-too-hard vibe.  I’m all for something that’s actually outrageous, but it seems like every time something gets marketed as outrageous nowadays it just ends up pandering to half-retarded WWE fans.

State of Play - Hey, remember this movie?  Stars Ben Affleck, Russell Crowe, Helen Mirren, and Rachel McAdams?  Yeah, me neither. Doesn’t seem like they’re promoting it much.  Then again, it doesn’t look that interesting.

Also – Adventureland is still out, and worth seeing if you haven’t already.

What are we looking at?  That’s your browser window if you check out the new Crank 2 trailer at break.com.  You see, because Crank 2 is SO EXTREME, the trailer takes over YOUR WHOLE BROWSER WINDOW and proceeds to BREAK STUFF!  HUGH!  I’d watch this trailer on the INSIDE of my HELMET while I did MOTORCROSS TRICKS, if only WEARING HELMETS wasn’t for PUSSIES.  Maybe I’ll just TATTOO it on my EYELIDS. In the MEANTIME, I’ve got a KIDNEY STONE to pass, and it’s SHAPED like a NINJA STAR.

Moy naime es Chev Chelios, an’ todaiy’s da daiy oy…. tick tick tick… WHOOOOOOOAOOAOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOAAAAAAAOOOAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

After the jump I’ve got a new clip from Crank 2 called “Mansion Fight.”  I know they’re trying really hard to make this as dumb as possible, and they’ve succeeded on that front, but it also looks like crap.  There’s a fine line between ridiculous and inexplicable. Not to mention the editing and camera work give me motion sickness. This is exactly what you’d get if you gave 12-year-olds a bunch of money to make a movie.
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There’s a new red-band TV spot for Crank 2 out (apparently they have R-rated TV commercials in the U.K., I’m assuming late at night), and you can tell they’re targeting a really classy audience because the spot is literally 30 seconds of nudity and swearing edited together over WWE-entrance music.  And for some reason, it has Bai Ling in it. I didn’t even know she acted. I thought she was a human hentai cartoon.  Anyway, I plan on putting on my spats and taking the gents to see this one after brandy and cigars at the Harvard Club, I do.
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I didn’t feel like devoting an entire post to most of these stories, so here they are in lightning round format.

• France is awarding David Cronenberg their highest honor, the Legion d’honneur.  Upon hearing the news, Viggo Mortensen ran around with his cock out and strangled a Russian. [Variety]
• Forrest Whitaker had to drop out of The Expendables and was replaced by 50 Cent. The role now has 100% less Oscars and 50% more functioning eyeballs.  [AICN]
• An AICN reader with a super gay fake name saw Tom Cruise talk about Mission Impossible 4 on Japanese TV. Three movies, three different directors, now a fourth movie? It’s almost as if this mission has no chance of being completed. [AICN]
• Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman will co-star in a rom-com.  The hot popular guy and the cute smart girl getting together — OMG this is gonna be just like Sixteen Candles! [Empire]
• Pixar’s Up will open the Cannes Film Festival, become the first animated film ever to do so. Director Pete Docter, upon hearing the news, shouted, “That’s right, son, we just opened up a Cannes!  Wait, what?  How’s it pronounced now?” [THR]
• Crank 2 released a new poster via Twitter. THE STATH: Oi, it’s all fock’n black and yellow, donnit?  It’s loike oy’s a fock’n bumble bee, now don’ Oy?  Dat is well fitting, cuz Oy do loike ta poke fit birds wif me stinga.  D’you know what Oy mean?  Oy’s talkin’ about knobbin. [Twitter]
• And speaking of Twitter, Stephen Colbert went on the Today Show to promote Monsters vs. Aliens and said “twatted”.  In the movie he plays the president, and also in my heart. [WarmingGlow]