It is with swollen balls and hairy chaffed palms that I report this sad news: the entertainment agency CAA has just acquired the rights to Archie Comics Publications. As if the concept of a redheaded teen hooking up with chicks wasn’t already asinine enough on paper, Archie and his pals may soon make their way to the big screen. Per Variety:

Archie Comics Publications has signed with CAA. The agency will seek to create branded entertainment opportunities in film and TV in much the way that it has for toymaker Mattel.

Well, at least they’re managing to respect the integrity of the Archie franchise. I mean, it’s not like we’re talking about toys here, we’re talking about…about…wait, did they just say f–king “Mattel”?

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