GRAVITAS!

Hot dog, are there a lot of new movies this week! Besides Marky Mark, there’s Halle Berry, Michael Shannon, a Slytherin, some British Jews, several abortions, two movies about abortion, the latest from the prolific folks at The Asylum, and a Norse god waiting for mass transit.

The DVDs:
Contraband
Dark Tide
The Innkeepers
Pariah
The Wicker Tree
Albatross
Night Wolf
Return
Reuniting The Rubins
Some Days Are Better Than Others
One Kine Day
The Scarlet Worm
11-11-11
Nazis At The Center Of The Earth
Of Dolls And Murder
The Theatre Bizarre
The Fields
Wreckage
Planet Of Vampire Women
Thor At The Bus Stop

There’s a lot of ground to cover this week, so get reading on the next page.  Click here to jump to the streaming suggestions.

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George Lucas’s black guilt

Red Tails rated 33% among critics, but received an A grade from audiences (via cinemascore), almost the inverse of Haywire‘s 82% among critics and D+ on cinemascore. Audiences apparently were so happy to see black war heroes that they ignored lines like “Die, you foolish African,” and “I guess there’s more to you coloreds than I thought!”, while critics failed to recognize that a movie that isn’t bad isn’t the same thing as one that’s good. Red Tails did an incredible job convincing black people that it was their duty to see a crappy movie because it had black people in it, while MMA fans tried to do the same with Haywire.

I’m not a black dude, so I can’t really speak to the Red Tails guilt campaign, but I’m pretty sure there were black movies before this, and there will be plenty after it, whether or not we give George Lucas our money for his uncredited remake of The Tuskeegee Airmen. But as a die-hard MMA fan, I can tell you that if I was in the habit of seeing movies just because MMA stars were in them, there are plenty of Hector Echavarria movies I could rent.

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Opening Wide and Saying, “Ahhhhh”: Joyful Noise, Contraband, Beauty and the Beast 3D

Opening in Limited Release: The Iron Lady, We Need to Talk About Kevin

FilmDrunk Suggests: Not The Iron Lady, that’s for sure. Did you read Vince’s review? This one, right here. Man, that’s some brutal criticism. I don’t know who keeps giving that Meryl Streep lady jobs, but she needs to give up and go get her secretary’s license.

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(click to enlarge)

Besides Ethan Hunt being the only international superspy who always looks like he just walked out of a snazzy Banana Republic catalogue, the main thing I notice about this poster is how good Paula Patton’s boobs look. I think it’d be more effective if it had “NO BACKUP, NO PLAN, NO CHOICE, NO PANTIES,” with the NO PANTIES over Paula Patton and her awesome jugs. Then again, “NO CONTACT” is the same sign they have in strip clubs, so perhaps that’s a fitting thing to write on her boobs. Playing it safe, really.

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THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Alvin and the Chipmunks, more Hunger Games posters than a rational person could ever want, Mark Wahlberg, Elite Squad, and some other stuff.

This poster: Simon is dressed so bro-y in this, those glasses aren’t nearly enough to keep him from looking like he’s at a fraternity formal. “Hey, bro, you been down to the cabana bar yet? There’s so much hot tail down there, bro, I just wanna stuff it all in my cheeks and save it till next spring. After we finish these coconut shooters, I’m gonna head down there with Ox, Dozer, Mike P, and Pinkeye to meet up with those Theta skanks from the flip cup tournament if you wanna roll. Sack up, pussy! It’s gonna be sick!”

Wait, is that the plot of this? Because I would totally watch that. “ALLLLVIIINN! Wake up, bro, those DG sluts wanna invite us to their foam party!”

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