The Michael Bay-produced Friday the 13th remake (now with more wakeboarding!) scored $42.2 million this weekend, the most ever for a Friday the 13th movie or a horror remake.  No one much seemed to like it, not that it matters to you horror movie weirdos.  I don’t get it, but that’s okay, we can just continue to not hang out. Cumulatively, it was the highest-grossing President’s Day Weekend ever.

But I’m still declaring victory on the weekend, because Jerry Bruckheimer’s latest uncredited remake/insult to society, Confessions of a Shopaholic, grossed just $15.4 million and debuted all the way down at number four.  I’ve been calling Bruckheimer movies “number twos” so long that I may have to switch to calling them number fours.  I think that’s when you vomit a placenta.

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A day with not one but TWO Jerry Bruckheimer trailers?  What God did I please! This one’s the international trailer for Confessions of a Shopaholic, and while I think that little firecrotch Isla Fisher is sexy as hell (not to mention a pretty good actress), the only thing worse than this trashy, obnoxious ode to obnoxious trash is its timing.  Economy in the shitter?  Banks failing, credit drying up?  Gosh, I can’t think of a better environment to release a film about some rich twat who can’t stop buying shiny shoes.  My releases, meanwhile, are always perfectly timed.  (Just before the kid wakes up).

^{Oops. (So literal!)}

It seems Confessions of a Shopaholic (trailer here)’s awful timing goes beyond looking exactly like The Devil Wears Prada, Bridget Jones’ Diary, and Sex in the City.

People familiar with the production say that what could have been a valentine to brands and a love affair of soft marketing dollars now is causing some hand-wringing at the Bruckheimer bungalows. The Dow is repeatedly shown cresting 12,000 points. One character secures a massive credit line he doesn’t need just to show off how powerful he is. And Hollywood talent reps familiar with the project say that concocting a new ending in some way acknowledges the uncertain economic climate is also being considered.

A studio spokeswoman, Heidi Trotta, wouldn’t comment on marketing plans, but said Disney was not making any changes to the film, which wrapped in May.  But several marketing executives at rival studios, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said Disney has a tough and tricky sell ahead. [Ad Age - Thanks to John Wayne IADH for the tip]

Mmm, those soft, supple marketing dollars… **sticks dollar bill down pants, ejaculates**
Anyway, the article goes on to say that the film also name drops countless brands and designers but apparently never made deals to get paid by any of them. All in all, it appears to be headed for disaster.  And thank God. This is a Jerry Bruckheimer production, an especially contrived ripoff of other chick flicks engineered to capitalize on past successes without having an actual heart of its own.  Basically, the Hillary Clinton of movies.  I guess what I’m saying is that if after this fails, Jerry Bruckheimer could also get buttf-cked to death by a rhinoceros, that’d be pretty nice.

[Picture source = Brokerswithhandsontheirfaces]

The new Confessions of a Shopaholic trailer premieres this weekend attached to Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist.  An adaptation of the best-selling book series, producer Jerry Bruckheimer promises to bring the same brainless cheeseball approach to chick flicks as he does to movies about pirates, or treasure, or pirate treasure.

After losing her job, Becky applies to be a writer at a Condé Nast fashion glossy. Instead, she is hired for a financial magazine, a position that is way beyond her qualifications. In the big-screen version, her boss is also her love interest (Hugh Dancy of The Jane Austen Book Club).

So let me get this straight, she’s a young professional woman living in Manhattan who’s obsessed with designer clothes, doing a job that’s way over her head for a famous magazine, and she’s in love with her handsome boss?  This is all so new, it’s a lot to process.  If only she had some girlfriends with whom to share the good times and the bad…