WEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE: Opening this weekend, it’s a pair of 1980s remakes, a love story that spans two decades, the introduction of Aroma-Scope (*groans*), our soon-to-be favorite clown movie, and McDreamy punching v-cards and saving lives.

Conan the Barbarian

Rotten Tomatoes: 25%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“It takes a lot for a “Conan the Barbarian” movie to be flat-out idiotic, when you consider how low the bar is set already. But this remake of the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger extravaganza flirts with absurdity from its opening seconds: Morgan Freeman’s voice is heard as the narrator, which is in itself the stuff of parody. Then we listen and get lost within two sentences, because the narration is so poorly written that Freeman himself probably didn’t know what he was talking about.

“It’s downhill from there…” – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle [MICK LASALLE IS THE WORST FILM CRITIC IN AMERICA! -Vince]

Armchair Analysis: Movies like Conan aren’t created to make us storm the gates of the Academy and demand Best Picture justice. They’re created for guys who like to have pushup contests on pub floors and for the bouncers who forcibly remove them. If you get your jollies from movies about juiced up nomads getting revenge, and you can see past the silliness of the plot and writing, then this movie should pleasure you. If you’re normal, it will suck. Or you could just read Vince’s review.

Meat Slay Love

You’ll never hear me arguing that the 1982, Arnold Schwarzenegger version of Conan the Barbarian was any kind of watershed moment in cinema, but the new version from Marcus Nispel (a music video director who specializes in remakes) is still enough to make you nostalgic. It’s hard to pinpoint specific reasons why this tits, muscles, and gore-filled fantasy exploitation is dead eyed and hollow compared to the tit-filled, musclesploitation film from whence it sprung, it’s just that feeling you get when stupid people try to recreate things they think are cool. Like when strip mall strippers try to look like blonde playmates from the seventies and they come out looking like more crispy-haired versions of Coco Ice with bigger implants. Or when untalented musicians try to be Guns and Roses and end up Papa Roach. You know all they saw in the first place was blonde hair and big tits, or loud guitars and angry vocals, so it follows that when they went to recreate that, they were like, “Well NOW it has BLONDER hair and BIGGER tits, and LOUDER guitars and ANGRIER vocals! How much more do you love it, fagg*t!”

Gone are any sense of whimsy or kitsch, replaced by needy, semi-mean-spirited posturing. Nispel doesn’t so much tell a story as spend 90 minutes trying to gross out squares to prove his goth cred. It can occasionally be funny watching dimwits try to offend when they lack the creativity, but it’s funny in a sad way. That’s sort of the movie in a nutshell.

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FINALLY! I’d been waiting for someone to post this Jason Momoa interview from UFC 132 for weeks, WEEKS, I TELL YOU! And finally it’s online. I liked it so much because, aside from the leather bowler hat/leather-vest-over-black-wifebeater combo, which is delightful, Momoa seems drunk off his ass, and not in a pathetic, Hasselhoff way, just buzzed to the point where you can see him sort of forget he’s on camera and just ramble on like he and Goldberg are broing out at Hooters. It’s BRONAN THE BARBRONIAN! That would be a way better movie.

Aaaaaanyway, coming off his critically-acclaimed, hate-f*ck-filled performance as Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones, Momoa is set to star in the nu-metal Conan the Barbarian remake opening next week (which unfortunately was directed by the guy who did the Nightmare on Elm Street remake). But that’s not all. Apparently the studio has plans for a sequel. Wait, did I say the studio? What I meant was that Momoa has plans for a sequel. That he wrote. God, I love this dude.

CRAVE Online: Are you signed on to do another [Conan]?

Jason Momoa: I am, as long as people go out and watch [the first one], you know what I mean?

CRAVE Online: Yeah. Is there a story you’d like to do for the next movie?

Jason Momoa: I wrote it.

CRAVE Online: Did you really?

Jason Momoa: Yeah, so we’re waiting to see if they’ll accept it.

CRAVE Online: Is it original or did you adapt it from something?

Jason Momoa: It will mostly be… It’s character-adapted, because I really want to get into more of the mythical creatures, you know?

I don’t know if I’d want to watch the movie, but I would pay at LEAST twelve bucks to read that script. Especially the part about the mythical creatures.

And if Dana White’s goon squad ends up pulling the video at the top of this post, I think I can sum up the interview in two frames:

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THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, we’ve got some Conan the Barbarian, a buttload of Harry Potter, and just enough Spanish Smurfs to keep things spicy.  Shall we? Are you ready to let your clicking finger take you on a journey of magic and discovery?  I know I am.

The Three Musketeers (landscape crop above, full poster here; source = Yahoo).  I know I spend an inordinate amount of space in this feature being all snarky and mean, but aside from the insulting assumption that Orlando Bloom is a bigger star than Christoph Waltz, this poster’s actually pretty cool.  Putting aside everything you know about the movie, the poster actually makes it look fairly exciting, what with the sword fights and the gunfights and the fire and the ladyboys and whatnot.  Knowing what I do know about the movie (that it’s basically a 3D, gnü-metal/graphic novel take on the Three Musketeers from the director of Death Race), I think the only question is whether it’s going to be ridiculously bad, or ridiculously awesomely bad.  Also, the placement of Orlando Bloom’s earring kind of makes it look like he has semen dripping from his mustache.  Might wanna fix that.

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Things have obviously been a little crazy around here this week, what with all of the Gloria Allreds of the Interwebs putting a bounty on Vince’s testicles. That’s why I thought a great way to turn the page and start fresh would be to offer up a little peace treaty to all you intelligent, classy broads out there. In fact, even as our beloved Chodin has been away on assignment on Fire Island, he still found time to whisper in my ear from behind that we should give the ladies some eye candy to show that FilmDrunk isn’t a sexist haven for the web’s derelicts.

With that said, there’s no better way to say, “I respect females” than by giving them a gallery of the upcoming summer’s hottest movie bulges. An action hero isn’t an action hero if he doesn’t have a divine codpiece or some sort of crotchal decoration that screams, “This crotch belongs to a mother f*cking star!” And this summer is full of decorated crotches, so we hope that you ladies – and movie codpiece enthusiast men – enjoy this little trivia challenge that we’ve put together for you.

See if you can score 100 and become a Divine FilmDrunk Crotch Hound…

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