Pictured: They don't know how she does it.

And now for your daily dose of easy Schadenfreude, the top 15 flops of 2011. While it’s easy and fun to tap dance on the grave of most of these ass piles (pour a little rum out for The Rum Diary – *I* liked it), remember: justice won’t truly be served until everyone involved in the making of New Year’s Eve gets shot out of a cannon.

1. Mars Needs Moms
Studio: Disney
Release Date: March 11, 2011
Budget: $150 million
Worldwide Gross: $39 million

2. Sucker Punch
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens
Release Date: March 25, 2011
Budget: $82 million
Worldwide gross: $89.8 million

3. Arthur
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Russell Brand, Helen Mirren, Jennifer Garner
Release Date: April 8, 2011
Budget: $40 million-plus
Worldwide Gross: $45.7 million

4. Green Lantern
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively
Release Date: June 17, 2011
Budget: $200 million
Worldwide Gross: $219.9 million

5. Cowboys & Aliens
Studio: DreamWorks/Universal
Stars: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford
Release Date: July 29, 2011
Budget: $163 million
Worldwide Gross: $178.8

6. Glee: The 3D Concert Movie
Studio: Fox
Stars: Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Darren Criss
Release Date: Aug. 12
Budget: $9 million
Worldwide Gross: $18.7 millon

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I don’t know who put this together or how long it’s been going around, but after the jump I’ve got a three-minute edit of some of Arnold Schwarzenegger and director John Milius’s commentary on the 1982 version of Conan the Barbarian. Long story short, it is a joy. It’s hard to explain what makes it so much fun to watch, other than to say that almost everything Arnold Schwarzenegger says is inexplicably hilarious. If he hadn’t spent the last decade jizzing inside every Mexican that blipped onto his heat vision like the Predator, he might be president by now. The president of hilarious foreigners.

“All of a sudden he’s… he has to listen to all the ‘women problems.’ Even then in these prehistoric times, vomen vere still into jewelry.”

“Does za kid vear lipstick, or vhat is that? …That’s me vhen I was young.”

“I vas getting laid a lot in ziss, huh? It vas vonderful.”

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The Hollywood Reporter recently ran a feature on “Summer Box Office’s 10 Biggest Flops of 2011,”  (not to be confused with The Biggest Flops of 2011 So Far from a few weeks ago) and even though summer isn’t even over yet, I know these “lists of things with numbers next to them” soothe the internet beast. Just don’t expect me stop wearing these white shoes before Labor Day Weekend, you jackals.

I’m proud to say that in our Fantasy Summer Box Office Contest, Brendan and I predicted at least two of these (not that you needed to be Nostradamus to know The Change-Up or Green Lantern were going to tank). Sorry, Ryan Reynolds. If it’s any consolation, you still look like you’d smell nice.

1. Cowboys & Aliens
Directed by Jon Favreau and featuring James Bond star Daniel Craig, the $163 million-budgeted movie mixed two genres: Westerns and alien pics. Unfortunately, audiences didn’t embrace the result. From Universal and DreamWorks, Cowboys & Aliens has cumed [bwahahaha! it's hilarious because I'm 12! -Ed] only $129 million to date, including $93.5 million domestically and $35.5 million overseas (where it still has some territories yet to open).

2. Larry Crowne
Directed by and starring Tom Hanks (opposite Julia Roberts), Larry Crowne was intended to please adult audiences put off by summer popcorn fare. But the Universal film, fully financed by Vendome Films, topped out at $52.4 million worldwide, including only $35.6 million domestically.

3. Green Lantern
The Ryan Reynolds superhero pic cost a pricey $200 million to produce, yet has only earned $206.1 million worldwide. In North America, the Warner Bros. film topped out at $116 million, while it’s cumed $90.1 million to date at the international box office. Like Cowboys, it hasn’t fully rolled out overseas.

4. Priest
The Paul Bettany action pic, based on the Korean graphic novel, was the most expensive movie ever produced by Sony’s Screen Gems, sporting a price tag north of $60 million. It’s only earned $76.6 million worldwide, including $29.1 million in North America, and $47.4 million offshore.

5. The Change-Up
The Jason Bateman-Ryan Reynolds pic has earned only $34.5 million to date domestically, ending a dazzling winning streak for R-rated comedies. Universal hasn’t yet begun rolling out the movie in major foreign territories.

6. Conan the Barbarian
The reboot cost north of $70 million to make but is off to a poor start, grossing only $16.6 million domestically in its first 10 days, and $5.5 million in its initial foreign run. The film was fully financed by NuImage/Millennium, and is being distributed by Lionsgate.

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Last weekend, Conan the Barbarian opened to a meager $10 million, and while it could very well make a ton of money over the next few weeks and eventually in DVD and Blu-Ray, it’s a complete bomb. The remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger semi-classic cost $90 million, and it’s very likely that horrendous reviews and a complete lack of star power doomed the new version from the start.

And while we hope that some producers have removed their noses from the mountains of cocaine that make these remakes seem like good ideas and taken notice, they probably haven’t and we’ll likely never see the end of these doomed turds. But at least one of the people responsible for Conan recognizes that there’s something wrong with the entire process.

Sean Hood is one of the four writers responsible for Conan the Fartbrarian (trademark pending) and he posted his thoughts and feelings on what it’s like to bomb at the box office on the website Quora yesterday. Hood explained:

When you work “above the line” on a movie (writer, director, actor, producer, etc.) watching it flop at the box office is devastating. I had such an experience during the opening weekend of Conan the Barbarian 3D.

And the pity party only gets worse from there. Excerpts after the jump.

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The Help was number one at the box office this weekend, and although America does love hot white chicks curing racism, a week-old movie in the top slot is always bad news for that weekend’s new releases. Spy Kids 4D, the dirty diaper edition grossed a third of the last Spy Kids movie and Bronan the Barbronian made just $10 million of its $90 million budget.  Which brings me to my next point…  how the f*ck did Conan cost $90 million and who decided that was a good idea? It had a cast of no-names and a bargain-bin director and still only cost $3 million less than Rise of Planet of the Apes, and that had Andy Serkis in his ping poll ball suit pretending to be chimp. Jesus, silly wigs must be more expensive than I thought. Fright Night was just short of Conan, but on a third of the budget (and may hold better, as Burnsy reports that it was actually pretty good). Meanwhile, Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess’s rom-com, One Day, debuted all the way down at number nine. Let this be a lesson to you, white people: never, ever rap about paparazzi. Unless you’re The Lonely Island, they can rap about anything.

But hey, maybe this will finally dampen Hollywood’s enthusiasm for sequels and remakes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

That was a joke, is what I’m trying to say.

[via BoxOfficeMojo]