You may remember last month when David Cross did an interview with ThePlaylist in which he called working on Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (or ‘The Squizznizzeaqu3l,’ as I like to rep it on MySpace) “the most unpleasant experience I’ve ever had in my professional life.” (For which a bunch of people ripped on him. Hey, shut up, he’s a comedian. Comedians complain about stuff. Honesty and whining is like 98 percent of comedy†). He was on Conan the other night, and he didn’t shy away from his previous assertion, and in fact went into more depth as to what it was about the experience that he hated so much. Turns out it was a particularly Jewy Jewess who made him dress like a pelican. Poor Victoria Jackson, she told the same story and no one believed her.

“I would say in all honesty it was the most miserable experience I’ve ever had. In my professional life. It was miserable, not because of the cast and the crew, who were great, but I was forced, at legal point, to spend a week on a cruise ship. It was terrible. There was no reason for me to be there. If you see the movie, and don’t… first of all, “Chipwrecked.” It’s a pun. [sarcastically] And 5-year-olds love puns. They love it. They love wordplay. And it’s a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines. And they thought, ‘won’t it be fun to get David on there?’

“And for the scenes that take place on the cruise ship…. I am always in a Pelican mascot foam rubber outfit where you cannot see any of my flesh, nor do I have any dialog. [picture of that after the jump]

[Asked why they didn't use a stand in] I tried that line of logic and reason, but there was one producer — everyone else had my back, and the director was like oh that’s fine we don’t need him, and I was in London, I was trying to shoot Todd Margaret at the time — and they’re like oh, you have to go and shoot this. Actually, she was more like [whiny voice]. And there’s this one producer, and I won’t say, but she is the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews.”

“This woman, she represented everything people hate about the Jews. She made me go on a boat, which I hate. I can’t stand boats. What kind of a person goes on a boat? The air, it’s salty, makes me wheeze. And the ocean, with the rocking, and the pitching, and the rolling – feh! Oy, and don’t even get me started on the food. It’s HAWRIBBLE, and such small portions…”

Anyway, not to be a poop-stirrer, but Oliver Noble (FilmDrunk senior Jewish correspondent) pointed out that while no female producers are listed on IMDB, there’s only one female producer listed on the studio side in Variety:

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Julie Taymor’s Broadway version of Spider-Man with music by U2, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, cost a reported $65 million, which is a lot considering Kick-Ass only cost about half that and probably has way less singing.  It’s hard to say where the money went, but apparently it didn’t go to safety.   Actress Natalie Mendoza, who played the villain “Arachne”, suffered a concussion after being hit by a rope this week and had to be replaced by understudy America Olivo (pictured), a former Playboy model (giggity).  It’s strange, because your mom takes ropes to the face all the time, and she seems fine.

It’s the third accident to beset the troubled production that boasts the most complicated aerial stunts ever assembled for a Broadway show.
In October, aerialist Kevin Aubin broke both his wrists when he slammed down onto the stage during a flying stunt performed as part of a presentation for ticket brokers and group-sales agents. In a separate incident, another actor broke his foot while rehearsing the show. |NYPost|

I don’t get it, haven’t they been Peter Panning people through the air during stage shows for like 100 years? Seems like they’d have that figured out by now.  Or maybe it’s just really hard to hold onto your harness when you’re mid Jazz Hands.

Meanwhile, the Post reports that the producers of the show saw the sketch Conan did above and “the real Spidey team isn’t laughing.”  Oh boy, FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

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Paul Rudd was on Conan last night, which was apparently a re-run, to promote his not new movie Role Models.  He introduces a scene from the movie, only to show a random clip from the 1988 kid-in-wheelchair-meets-alien classic, Mac & Me.  Conan then pretends to act surprised because it’s important that people believe that none of Conan’s bits are in any way contrived.  The point of all this is that it led us to another clip from Mac & Me (attached below) which is one of the most bizarre and amazing clips of all time. It includes:

• A birthday party at McDonald’s
• A random, seemingly unrelated breakdance party in the McDonald’s parking lot
• Heavy-handed product placement starring Ronald McDonald
• Alien disguised as teddy bear
• An inexplicable, fully-choreographed dance contest
• …A contest which features guys dressed as football players in full pads and eye black
• Alien disguised as teddy bear takes over the dance contest. Inside McDonald’s.

Sweet Jesus the 80s were retarded.
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So of course Christian Bale issued a response to tirade-gate:

“It’s been a miserable week for me. I know I have a pottymouth, everybody knows that now. I have no confusion whatsoever. […] I was way out of order. I acted like a punk, I regret that and there is nobody that has heard that tape that has been hit harder by it than me. I make no excuses for it […]. I’m embarrassed by it. I ask everybody to sit down and ask themselves, have they ever had a bad day and have they ever lost their temper and really regretted it immensely. Feel free to make fun of me at my expense; I deserve it completely.

On whether there are any hard feelings between he and the DP: “We have resolved this completely…I have no intention of getting anyone fired. There is no problem whatsoever.”

He continues, “One thing that has really disturbed me throughout this is I’m not familiar or comfortable with this notion of being a movie star. I’m an actor and I’m don’t quite know how to handle [the movie star thing]. The thing that disturbs me so much is that I’ve heard a lot of people saying that I seem to think I’m better than anybody else. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I’m a lucky SOB. I never forget that and that is why I put so much into what I do and I care so much about it . Sometimes that enthusiasm just goes awry.” [Cinematical]

Oh, Christian, just kill a hooker while flexing in the mirror and all is forgiven.  But don’t apologize to us, just thank James Lipton and Conan O’Brien for ruining the joke once and for all.  Oh my, isn’t this delightfully random!  You Harvard fellows certainly are irreverent.
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Probably Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s most famous bit was ripping on the guy who showed up to the premiere of Star Wars Episode I dressed as some sort of Lord of the Rings wizard while eating a Burger King Filet o’ Fish sandwich (I’ve attached that video after the jump, though I’m confident most of you have already seen it).  Well apparently, Triumph has kept in touch with the wizard, who goes by “Blackwolf” (because he’s black, you see), and recently invited him back on the Conan show to meet his favorite band, Finnish goth metallers Lordi.  The super awkward meeting begins at about the 3:30 mark.  At the 4:05 mark, Triumph encourages Blackwolf to hit on the female band member, so I assume Triumph had been out of the room when Blackwolf tells the bassist that “Bass players are simply delicious,” at the 3:55 mark.

I feel like I need to bathe in Clearasil after watching that.  I heard the cameraman for that segment is currently undergoing treatment for autism.

[via /Film]
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