Lionsgate’s Conan the Barbarian reboot opens August 19th, and all signs point to it putting the “lame” in “lamentations of their women.”  Directed by Friday the 13th remake director Marcus Nispel, it stars giant Hawaiian Jason Momoa, known up until now mostly for Baywatch Hawaii and more recently for playing Hatef-ck McEyeliner on HBO’s Game of Thrones.  The trailer has pretty much everything you’d expect — growling, UFC intro music, men in skirts, sand monsters — it looks pretty bad for a movie, but really good for a Syfy original.

Come with me after the jump for some fist-pumping.
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The first bit of news I have to report is that the first pictures of Jason Momoa as Conan in the Conan the Barbarian remake have surfaced on a Robert E. Howard forum (via CHUD).  The second bit of news I have is that apparently there are Robert E. Howard forums.  I really need to catch up on my homoerotic pulp novels from the 30s.  I know some people might point out that Momoa is Hawaiian not Samoan, and to those people I’d point out that “Conan” and “Hawaiian” don’t rhyme nearly as well.

To refresh your memory, this remake comes from Marcus Nispel, director of Pathfinder and a Friday the 13th remake, and the guys who wrote Sahara.  Star Jason Momoa was previously in Baywatch: Hawaii, Stargate Atlantis, and a bar fight that required 140 stitches. He’s also married to Lisa Bonet, and between them and director Marcus Nispel, the Conan set has pound for pound the most disgusting grungy hippie hair of any film ever.  I hear the teamsters could smell incense and B.O. from five miles away.

Long story short, I don’t know why anyone’s treating this movie like it’s a real movie and not just some bargain-bin, direct-to-DVD throwaway.  The studio sure isn’t. Hmm, who should we get to replace one of the most iconic movie stars of the 20th century?  Oh I know, we’ll get a Hawaiian model from a Baywatch spinoff.  Problem solved, hookers and cocaine for everyone.

WarmingGlow covered Tracy Morgan’s appearance on Kimmell, which was very funny, but so was his Daily Show interview above.  They don’t talk about the movie, but he does mention wanting to open a strip club with fat guys called “Chickendales.”  Also, “I’m old school, I don’t be pullin’ out.”

Matt Damon set to play Robert Kennedy in a biopic.  “Awright, which one a you hahd ons shawt my brothah?”  Top of the list to play Sirhan Sirhan?  You guessed it, Michelle Rodriguez.  |DeadlineHollywood|

If you follow the clues and meet up with a guy in a “Tron Lives” shirt and punch the special code into the official website, you’ll get to see the Tron Legacy trailer! Or you could just wait for some giant dork to do that for you and watch it online a half hour later.  If I see anyone in a Tron Lives shirt I’m pulling his pants down. |Techland|

Mickey Rourke is in talks to play Conan‘s father in Conan the Barbarian.  Don’t do it, Mick.  Aw, who am I kidding, I’ll still love you, as long as you’re still nice to small animals, swear, and continue to dress like a gay pirate. |Yahoo|

Jonah Hill is set for The Sitter, from Eastbound & Down/Pineapple Express director David Gordon Green.  Sources say Hill was originally set to play The Stander, but quickly became fatigued. Haha, I love you, obvious fat jokes. |FilmSchoolRejects|

And finally, here are some pictures from the set of The Knockout, starring Gina Carano.  She’s the only girl who can give me a raging boner, then karate kick it in half like a flimsy board. |photos at BloodyElbow, spy video at WatchKalibRun|

(“Hey, Brah, I’m da new Conan. Your sista’s pretty hot for a haole, by da way.”)

It’s hard to keep track of these things, but I believe it was LatinoReview who first broke the news that the part of Conan in the Conan the Barbarian remake will be played by (*drumroll*)… Jason Momoa (*whoopie cushion*).  It will be directed by Marcus Nispel, the guy who previously directed Pathfinder and looks like a douchey hippie.  Hopefully he’ll bring to this project all the wisdom of the Orient.

With less than eight weeks to go before production starts, Momoa starts training rigorously for the part on Monday. Momoa has starred in Stargate Atlantis, Baywatch Hawaii, and a couple of episodes of CW’s The Game.

Wow, what a resume.  I hear the next two bullet points are “Blows dudes for money” and “Proficient in Microsoft Word.”

LatinoReview also reports that Mickey Rourke has been offered the part of Conan’s dad.  Which I think goes without saying would be an awesome career move. Way to earn that Oscar nomination, Mick.

Here’s Louis C.K. on the Tonight Show last night doing some bits you’ve probably already heard and enjoy (I can tell you’re all hip because of the scarves), but more importantly, at the 4:30 mark the interview starts, and he tells a story from the set of The Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais.  It’s about how he was doing a scene with John Hodgman and he thought of a really hilarious Hodgman burn an so he told everyone about it, but then… well, let’s just say it doesn’t go well.  It’s strange, because usually Jewish comedians are so full of social grace and devil-may-care charm.  Anyway, after that he shows a clip from the movie, and it looks pretty good, and Philip Seymour Hoffman kindareminds me of Eyebrow Kitty.  Haha, good story, Vince.

(sorry, foreigners, if you can find the clip anywhere else besides Hulu, please send it).