Baby don't hurt us.

While I sit here waiting for someone to finally give me the ultimate mashup of movie characters making fart noises, I suppose I can settle for today’s best effort of some of Hollywood’s hunkiest A-list male actors saying, “I love you.” There are also some people in this that have no business having ever been cast as a romantic lead *pauses screen, gives middle finger to Josh Radnor* but this post is all about what you ladies want today (or until the next post).

So why don’t you draw yourself a nice, hot bubble bath, pop a bottle of bubbly, strap on a blindfold, lay back and pretend like Matt Damon, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Colin Firth, Ben Affleck, Shia LeBeouf, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Leo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, that guy from Scrubs and Paul Rudd are saying those awesome three little words to you. Also, while you’re blondfolded, I’m going to steal your TV.

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From Let the Right One In director Tomas Alfredson comes this new adaptation of John Le Carré’s novel, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, starring pretty every British guy, including Tom Hardy, Mark Strong, Colin Firff, Gary Oldman (yeah, he’s British too, I had to look it up), Toby Jones, and King of All Brits, Benedict Cumberbatch. Seriously, I can’t get halfway through typing that name without offering to shoyne someone’s boots.  Set in the 70s, Oldman plays a retired intelligence agent who comes out of retirement to help catch a Soviet mole.  It looks pretty good, but I’d argue that six British dudes trying to catch an actual mole would be just as entertaining.  Especially if we greased the mole and made the Brits wear silly hats.  How come now one asks for my script notes?

For the ladies

Opens November 18th.

It’s the end of the week and I’m already drinking heavily.  Here’s what’s going on.

IGN debuted a couple new Thor posters, and, uh… they’re pretty boring, actually.

Everything’s comin’ up Firth.  It’s rumored that Colin Firth will be nominated for a knighthood, and every hack headline writer from here to Poughkeepsie is working it into a Firth-gets-demoted story.  From King to Knight!  Haha, good one, guys.   H-h-h-hilarious.  Anyway, he’s a great actor, but a knighthood? Remember when you used to have to wear metal on your back and kill people with a sword?  That was cool.  Nowadays you might as well just call all of them “Sir Famous Dude.” |EOnline|

Sirius XM is starting “Tiger Blood Radio”, an entire channel dedicated to Charlie Sheen.  “The station will be totally devoted to ‘breaking news, facts, fallout and career implications of the Charlie Sheen controversy,’ according to the statement.” It will now join the ranks of the 100 other Sirius stations no one listens to.  I’m surprised they didn’t already have one dedicated to actual tiger blood. |THR|

Avatar sequel will be set in underwater caves, says Michelle Rodriguez.  Wait, didn’t Michelle Rodriguez die in the first one?  Damn, she is hardcore and Latin.  I guess it’s true what they say about hardcore Latinas: they don’t die, they just get spicier. That’s pronounced SPICE-y… you know what, never mind. |THR|

Julianne Moore joining Robert DeNiro, Paul Dano, Olivia Thirlby for Another Bullsh*t Night in Suck City.  The adaptation of Nick Flynn’s memoir will be directed by Paul Weitz.  I haven’t read the book, but I saw Nick Flynn read an excerpt at a reading and it was really good.  And Paul Weitz directed Little Fockers, so he’s already pretty familiar with Suck City. |ThePlaylist|

Universal picks up Dirty Grandpa, from UCB performer John Phillips.  “Grandpa is an R-rated comedy centered on a recently widowed, sexually aggressive grandfather on a road trip with his strait-laced grandson.”  Sexually-aggressive old people, you say?  Is it too late to change it to Dirty Grandma and cast Betty White? Get it? It’s hilarious because she’s never heard of sex before, you patronizing f*cks. |THR|

There’s a new trailer for James Gunn’s Super:

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"Four crumpets and seven lorries ago, a bobby knickered his top hat in the loo..."

The British Oscars, aka The BAFTAs happened last night (“BAFTA? Oi, but guv, Oy hahdly know ‘er!”), and whilst I didn’t catch the telecast, I can only hope it was half as thrilling as Lady Gaga’s latest wacky stunt at The Grammys. (*emerges from giant queef balloon, wanks dismissively*)  But the big story of the night was that Tom Hooper’s The King’s Speech took home seven awards including oh my God I’m bored already.

The awards season train for “The King’s Speech” keeps on going this weekend with the film picking up 7 BAFTA Awards on Sunday including Best Film, Best Original Screenplay and trio of trophies for the film’s lead actors, Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter. However, it wasn’t an entire clean sweep of the major categories as “The Social Network” fans will be pleased to know that David Fincher took home the Best Director; the film also won Adapted Screenplay and Editing honors. [Indiewire]

I tried to watch The King’s Speech the other night but I fell asleep. Wait, don’t tell me what happened, let me guess: it turns out the quirky mentor’s unorthodox methods are actually very effective, the protagonist finally earns the respect of his belittling father on his deathbed, and at the end, the hero gives a triumphant speech while his mentor, having evolved from dislike to begrudging respect to friendship, smiles proudly.  …Was I close?  Ooh, ooh, and was there also a training montage in the middle, and some words on the screen at the end explaining everyone’s important place in history?  I bet there totally was.  Best original screenplay indeed.

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The Coen Brothers are currently writing a remake of Gambit, which is sadly not another X-Men spinoff, but a remake of a 1966 Michael Caine/Shirley McClaine film set to be directed by The Last Station‘s Michael Hoffman.  The last time the Coens wrote a movie they didn’t direct was 1985′s Crimewave for Sam Raimi (unless you count Ethan’s co-writing credit on The Naked Man, about a wrestling chiropractor played by Michael Rapaport.

Aaaanyway, Gambit is set to star Colin Firth, and now, Deadline reports, Cameron Diaz has hopped aboard.

Firth plays a London art curator who plans to con a wealthy collector into buying a phony Monet painting. He enlists a Texas steer roper (Diaz) to pose as a woman whose grandfather liberated the painting at the end of WWII. [Deadline]

Normally I don’t find Cameron Diaz’ acting terribly distracting, and since it’s quite possible that I too will be old one day (the jury’s still out, really), it doesn’t feel right to rip on her for being old.  However, I will say that there comes a time when you probably shouldn’t be playing the fresh-faced new secretary anymore, and that time is right around your 37th birthday.  I don’t know if that means she should be playing a Texas steer roper, but at least she isn’t playing a “precocious young steer roper.”   She doesn’t seem very country, but compared to Gwyneth Paltrow, Cameron Diaz is Richard Petty.

Sidenote: If you turn off the lights and say those three names three times into a mirror, a demon will spit tobacco juice in your latte.