Photo: Chuck Zlotnick

I’ve had a boner for Seven Psychopaths ever since it was announced, and now we’ve got the first pictures (courtesy of EntertainmentWeekly, obvi). Writer/director Martin McDonagh’s follow-up to In Bruges, it stars Sam Rockwell, Colin Farrell, Christopher Walken, and Woody Harrelson, stepping in for Mickey Rourke, who apparently wanted too much money and now says of McDonagh “he can go play with himself.”  But Harrelson or Rourke, I would definitely go pick up high school chicks with these guys. Oh, and the movie sounds pretty good too.

A savage gangster (Woody Harrelson) goes on a rampage after his beloved shih tzu Bonny goes missing, snatched by an out-of-work actor (Sam Rockwell) who pays the bills by helping a professional dognapper (Christopher Walken) pick up pooches and return them for the reward money.
Colin Farrell plays a screenwriter who struggles to find the handle on his script, called Seven Psychopaths. He gets drawn into the dognapping escapades of his friends (played by Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken).
“The comedy elements in this one are probably stronger or more to the forefront than In Bruges,” says McDonagh, who got an Academy Award nomination for that script. (He won an Oscar for the 2005 short Six Shooter.)
Harrelson’s character, Charlie, “adores his shih tzu,” McDonagh says. “Really, we all adore Bonny!” (That’s the real name of the dog, which was adopted from a shelter in real life, and now lives with its trainer.) “He loves that dog more than anything in the world and would do anything to protect it.”

Wait, it gets better!

Tom Waits turns up as Zachariah, a rabbit-petting weirdo who offers up strange stories from his past for the Seven Psychopaths screenplay. [EW, Deadline]

A lovable rogue’s gallery fighting over cute, fuzzy animals, as written with brutal violence by a vulgar Irishman? My God, this is so in my wheelhouse it’s stupid.

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Whenever I post anything about the upcoming Total Recall remake, people react as if Hollywood kidnapped their dog and shaved it, and I admit I don’t totally disagree. Len Wiseman is directing (Underworld, Live Free or Die Hard), it’s going for a PG-13 rating, and — crap, you aren’t even listening anymore, are you. WAIT! Put down the torch and pitchfork, I have other news! They released an official synopsis, and it doesn’t seem to contradict earlier reports that the new version would be set entirely on Earth, with no Martian colonies or eye-bulging space atmospheres, or things of that nature. I know, I’m not doing much to loosen your torch grip, am I. QUAID! START THE OVERREACTOR!

“Total Recall” is an action thriller about reality and memory, inspired anew by the famous short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. Welcome to Rekall, the company that can turn your dreams into real memories. For a factory worker named Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell), even though he’s got a beautiful wife (Kate Beckinsale) who he loves, the mind-trip sounds like the perfect vacation from his frustrating life – real memories of life as a super-spy might be just what he needs. But when the procedure goes horribly wrong, Quaid becomes a hunted man. Finding himself on the run from the police – controlled by Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), the leader of the free world – Quaid teams up with a rebel fighter (Jessica Biel) to find the head of the underground resistance (Bill Nighy) and stop Cohaagen. The line between fantasy and reality gets blurred and the fate of his world hangs in the balance as Quaid discovers his true identity, his true love, and his true fate. [via geektyrant]

That’s an awesome cast, but there’s really nothing they can do to soften the blow of a space-free, PG-13 Total Recall where the three-boobed hooker has to wear pasties or something directed by a guy who’s never made a good movie. It’s like hearing they brought back Santa Claus, only now he just gives out boxes of raisins.

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Boy, this is sad news. Every time Mickey Rourke drops out of a movie, the baby Jesus cries and my Ganesha statue stops drinking milk. The clay-faced tough guy with a heart of gold and a soft spot for whores, tiny dogs, kids with cancer, and Eric Roberts is the perfect addition to any cast, but apparently his soft spot doesn’t extend to Irish auteurs, because he won’t be joining In Bruges director Martin McDonagh’s Seven Psychopaths. Which is a shame, because Seven Psychopaths was once set to star Rourke, Sam Rockwell, Colin Farrell, and Christopher Walken, a cast so amazing it makes the Justice League look like four hobos pissing on a trash fire.

Now Mickey Rourke is out and Woody Harrelson is in, and Rourke says McDonagh is a “jerkoff.”

Back in October, it was reported that Mickey Rourke dropped out of ‘The Expendables 2′ so he could negotiate to appear in Martin McDonagh’s ‘Seven Psychopaths’ with Colin Farrell, Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell. About that: “The director was a jerkoff. He wanted a whole lot for nothing,” Rourke told Moviefone late last week during an interview for ‘Immortals.’ When asked to confirm that he won’t appear in the thriller, Rourke had this to say about McDonagh (‘In Bruges’): “He can go play with himself.” [Moviefone]

If anyone ever stops Mickey Rourke from being totally candid at all times, I vow before my colleagues and creator that I will fight that person. Hollywood needs inappropriate Uncle Mickey to keep shooting from the hip, if only to remind everyone else how completely full of sh*t they are 98 percent of the time. Anyway, it’s a bummer that Mickey’s out, but Woody Harrelson’s okay too, I guess. He’s no Mickey, but I could never be too disappointed with Pepper from The Cowboy Way.

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Any film where Colin Farrell karate chops a midget I’ll watch out of principle, but In Bruges was pretty good to boot. It was written and directed by Martin McDonagh, and now CBS Films is in talks to distribute his latest, Seven Psychopaths. Needless to say, it sounds awesome.

The film reunites McDonagh with his In Bruges star Colin Farrell, who plays a screenwriter who struggles to find the handle on his script, called Seven Psychopaths. He gets drawn into the dognapping escapades of his friends (played by Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken). Once the beloved Shih Tzu owned by a psychopathic gangster goes missing, the screenwriter finds himself fueled with all the drama he needs for his screenplay, if he can stay alive long enough to write it all down. The film’s produced by Graham Broadbent and Peter Czernin, with Tessa Ross set as executive producer. CBS Films executive vice president Scott Shooman will oversee it when it shoots in Los Angeles this fall. [Deadline]

Yep, Colin Farrell, Sam Rockwell, Christopher Walken, and last we heard, Mickey Rourke was also in it (MICKEY ROURKE F*CKING LOVES TINY DOGS!). Not only would I watch the ever-living hell out of that movie, I’d also like to commission a velvet painting in the style of “Dogs Playing Poker,” with those guys as the dogs, and a midget waiter walking around with a platter of cocaine and a revolver in his belt in case things go south. I would hang that on my wall, possibly my tombstone.

I tried to find a good image of David Tennant, but I liked this screen grab too much.

Over the weekend, the cast and crew of Fright Night, the remake of the classic 1985 horror film of the same name, hosted a panel at Comic Con, which I’m starting to think is a pretty important event. I wish they advertised it better. Either way, fans were treated to an exclusive extended clip, and to multiply the geek factor immensely, David Tennant set the clip up. Tennant plays supposed vampire expert and TV host Peter Vincent in the new film, but he’s better known as The Doctor from BBC’s Doctor Who series.

In the clip, Vincent is confronted by Punky Charley Brewster (Anton Yelchin) for the first time, as he needs help in stopping his vampire neighbor, played by Colin Farrell. At least he thinks he’s a vampire. He could just be a lawyer. Ahhh, that’s some good legal humor right there.

Clip after the jump, and there’s plenty of David Tennant in tight leather pants for all you female Doctor Who fans. All two of you.

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