New in theaters this week:

G.I. Joe
Paramount hired a director known for making crappy movies to make this crappy movie, then they made G.I. Joe an international police force so they could sell it to foreign markets, and then, to deflect criticism when they wouldn’t show their crappy movie to critics, they all put on flag pins and tried to perpetuate that whole red state/blue state bullsh-t again.  Class-y.  I will however give them credit for calling the movie “The Rise of Cobra” and then putting out a commercial in which the only line of dialog is “What did you say your unit was called?”   I call mine Sergeant Slaughter.

Julia & Julia
Nora Ephron’s film telling the parallel stories of Julia Child (Meryl Streep) working her way up the ranks of French cooking and Julie Somethingorother (Amy Adams) writing a blog about Julia Child.  Why do we need to see the second one again?

A Perfect Getaway
Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich are on their Honeymoon in Hawaii.  But will their dream vacation (*RECORD SCRATCH*) become a waking nightmare?  (*mouthfart*)

I Sell the Dead (limited)
Dominic Monaghan sells corpses to Ron Perlman.  Doesn’t look like my cup o’ tea, probably because I only drink whiskey.  Whiskey and chainsaws.

Paper Heart (limited)
I keep calling this one “When Harry Meta Sally” because I came up with that a few months ago and someone told me it was clever (thanks, mom).  Anyway, Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi fall in love but it’s awkward, because they are awkward people.  I don’t know if I’ll end up seeing this this weekend but I kinda wanna go eat hot wings with the little black girl.  She seems like my type, and by that I mean I think I could overpower her.

Cold Souls (limited)
Paul Giamatti stars in the Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a guy who sells his soul, because he’s so drained from rehearsals for Chekhov’s Uncle Vanya.  A character obsessed with Chekhov earns a special, limited edition “dismissive slow wank” from me.

This trailer for Cold Souls should help appease those women who always complain about Hollywood casting  hot women opposite schlubby guys. Paul Giamatti’s wife is played by Emily Watson, who’s almost his perfect equal in weird-lookingness.  I’d like to think if they had a kid it might look like Steve Buscemi, or William H. Macy. Anyway, the film very much has the look and feel of a Charlie Kaufman film (Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine), but actually comes from first-timer Sophie Barthes.

After intense rehearsals of Chekhov’s “Uncle Vanya,” Paul is emotionally drained. He stumbles upon a “Soul Storage,” a private lab offering New Yorkers something intriguing: a relief from the burden of their souls. Paul decides to get his soul extracted, only to discover that it has the shape and size of a chickpea. After a failed attempt to live and act without his soul, he rents an alleged Russian poet’s soul, which guides him into a strange dreamlike world. Things take an unexpected turn when he decides to get his soul back and meets Nina, a Russian soul mule, who illicitly transports souls from Russia to America. [QuietEarth]

If you’re keeping score at home, that’s:  Plot of a Simpson’s Episode + Chekhov = Indie film.

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This is the poster for Cold Souls, starring Paul Giamatti, which surprisingly isn’t a Charlie Kaufman movie. [Cinematical]

Danny Trejo ees not going to be een The Expendables after all, guey.  He will, however, be in Machete, which is likely to be Robert Rodriguez’ next project, despite what you may have been heard about Predators, Nerverackers, or The Jetsons.  Or not.  Who knows with Robert Rodriguez. He’s quickly becoming the Mexican Brett Ratner. [ThePlaylist]

Gordon Chan is doing a movie based on the King of Fighters video game.  I don’t know what that is, but the movie has Sean Faris in it so it’ll probably be really, really good.  Somewhere, Cam Gigandet silently glares at his blackberry.  [movieset]

Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov (boxing nickname: The Black Mambetov) claims Angelina Jolie will be back for Wanted 2, even though her character died at the end of the [SPOILER ALERT] first one.  How will they do that?  Time travel, I’m guessing.  The first one relied on a giant mechanical loom supposedly built in pre-industrial times, I doubt realism is a concern.  [MTV]

Roy Rogers will return for a “King of Cowboys” film trilogy, even though Roy Rogers has been dead for 11 years.  How will they do that?  “Geadelmann said the planned film trilogy will ‘not be a biopic, and will not be a traditional Western, but rather a family fantasy adventure. Roy Rogers, Dale Evans and Trigger are quintessential figures of America, and we will introduce this franchise to a new audience while capitalizing on the millions of Roy Rogers fans worldwide.’”  Thanks, now it totally makes sense.  Great reporting, Variety.  [Variety]

Platinum Dune producers say the next Friday the 13th film (the sequel to the remake… guhh…) may feature Jason in the snow.  But the movie itself won’t take place in the snow, because places that have snow are too cold.  No seriously, that’s what they said.  [CHUD]

Dave Eggers wrote a 300-page novelization of Where the Wild Things Are “about the confusions of a boy, Max, making his way in a world he can’t control. His father is gone, his mother is spending time with a younger boyfriend, his sister is becoming a teenager… At the same time, Max finds himself capable of startling acts of wildness: he wears a wolf suit, bites his mom, and can’t always control his outbursts.”  Wait, are we sure this isn’t about Gary Busey?  [Amazon]