[via Twitch]

MORNING LINKS
The Coen Bros Are Writing Angelina Jolie’s Directorial Follow-Up |Film Drunk|

Arrested Development’s 15 Greatest Sports Moments
|With Leather|

Cobra would like to tease cats before taking them out.
[via Final Ellipsis]

How Nick Offerman And Megan Mullally Became America’s Favorite Celebrity Couple |UPROXX|

Let’s Check In With The Local New-… Aaaaaaaand Somebody Made A Toilet Out Of Snow |Warming Glow|

Lego Hogwarts Is So Amazing It Has To Be Witchcraft
|Gamma Squad|

Take 10 Minutes To View These 100 Vince Carter Dunks |Smoking Section|

The Jets Want Some Hot Brady Quinn Action |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

The Best of the Goats Yelling Over Popular Songs Meme |Ranker|

GAME ON!! |theChive|

8 Official State Dinosaurs |Mental Floss|

Megan Fox Apologized To Michael Bay Because No One Would Hire Her |The Superficial|

10 Other Things Ewan McGregor Has Slain |Film.com|

16 Doppelgangers Spotted In Real Life |HuffPost Comedy|

Ugh, Fine, Let’s Look At The Oreo Separator Machine |Videogum|

9 Movies With Titles That Spoil Their Own Ending |NextMovie|

This ‘Zooey DeChappelle’ Face Mashup Is Straight-Up Terrifying |College Humor|

The Greatest Cruise of all Time! |Holy Taco|

Hey, It’s Kelly Brook And Her Panties |IDLYITW|

The Scariest Breakup Ever |Clip Nation|

Simon Pegg Rumored For Future ‘Star Wars’ Films Because Of All The Nerds |Screen Junkies|

Here’s Jennifer Lawrence Without Makeup Smoking Weed |Pajiba|

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It was just two days ago that our own Danger Guerrero wrote his

We broke the story — in 2009, Sly learned his custom built 1950 Mercury was about to be auctioned off by a company that provides “on-camera vehicles” for movies.
Sly never directly accused the company of stealing his ride … he just wanted the damn thing back — so he filed a lawsuit to regain possession.
Now, TMZ has learned, Stallone and the company reached a settlement … under which Sly will regain ownership of the whip … estimated to be worth more than $250,000. [TMZ]

The big question is, does it still have the original license plate?

Because for me that one of the best parts of the movie.  The part where this strong, silent badass who speaks softly but carries a big pair of sunglasses owns a classic car with super-gay vanity plates.  And that this fit so perfectly with Sylvester Stallone’s idea of cool that they made sure to include a close-up of the license plate, as if to say, “Do you see how awesome he is?  He’s so awesome, he owns a car with a license plate that says AWSOM!”

The existential buffoon strikes again!  I believe it was Kurt Vonnegut who said, “you are who your vanity plate pretends to be.”  Something like that.  Anyway, if Stallone doesn’t own at least one car with plates that say “KEEP PNCHN“, I would be very disappointed.

Up until recently, I had not seen the Sylvester Stallone film Cobra in its entirely. Then, when I was looking for another movie to breakdown a couple weeks ago, Vince suggested that I do a post on its opening scene. I clicked around the old Google box, found out the whole thing was available on Youtube (note: the scene leaks over into Part Two), and carved out a couple hours to check it out. For research.

Holy crap. You guys.

Cobra is MINDBLOWING. Not in a “I found the documentary Inside Job mindblowing, as it reminded me of a revealing commentary I read in last month’s New Yorker, and-… what’s that? Yes, I will have more pâté. Thank you, Reginald. Now, where was I…” way, but in a “Nicolas Cage’s hair was a bird and it was mindblowing” way. It takes every action/cop movie cliche you can think of, puts them in a blender, and a serves the mixture with equal parts vodka in a plastic Solo cup. It is glorious.

Even better than the staggering number of cliches is the dialogue. OH, THE DIALOGUE. Written by Stallone, it features a number of lines that are so far over the top that they wrap all the way back around and I think end up under the bottom somehow. I’m going to cover some of these lines as we go along, and when I do so, please keep in mind that the man responsible for them was nominated for an Academy Award for screenwriting only ten years earlier. It’s a downfall I can only describe as Shyamalanian.

So yes, you must watch this movie. As soon as possible. With friends. You’ll thank me. But until then, without further ado, I present the opening scene of Cobra…

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