Badonkular FilmDrunkard Eibmoz just gave me the fly tip on this bootlegged youtube clip (that probably won’t be up much longer) of the subway scene from Cloverfield, that proves convincingly that the monster is infested with blurry green things.  Like your mother.   I wouldn’t watch it unless you like having cancer.  Consider yourself warned.

Ellen Page Officially Breaks My Heart
Reuters makes it official, she’s gonna be in Drew Barrymore’s directing debut.  Why God Why.

Atonement Leads BAFTA Nominations
That’s British Academy of Film and Television Arts.  Atonement got 14 noms including “Best Film”. Am I taking crazy pills?  NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE. Unless there’s a category for best underbite, it should be a shutout.

Picture of the CJ7 Alien (above)
This movie (from Kung Fu Hustle‘s Stephen Chow) looks completely insane.  Perhaps even crazier than Speed Racer.  And Asian movies are usually so grounded in reality.  It. Just. Doesn’t. Make. Sense. 

Jason Mewes Strikes Again
Kevin Smith’s Zack & Miri Make a Porno has picked up Jason Mewes, Craig Robinson (the awesome bouncer in Knocked Up), Traci Lords, and Katie Morgan (another porn star).  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there’s gonna be a lot of dialogue in this.

Cloverfield Something Something Manga
To me “Manga” means my grandma forcing me to eat more pasta while I cry.  But apparently it also has something to do with Cloverfield marketing.  I’m not going to try to figure it out for you because I have better things to do.

What with all this Cloverfield hubbity bubb, people seem to be forgetting that JJ Abrams is also doing a Star Trek movie. In fact, there’s already a teaser for it that will be attached to Cloverfield when it hits theatres this weekend.  Someone who’s seen it posted a description, and our friends at /film were kind enough to translate from its original Klingon.

Paramount logo. Bad Robot logo. Black, suddenly some sparks (very saturated, Michael Bay looking cinematography) We hear an old NASA radio countdown: “30 sec and counting.” Close up of a timeless guy with goggles leaning down doing some weilding and sparks flying around. He lifts his googles — slightly futuristic head covering. It’s not a space suit, btw. The dude leans down and wields some more — he’s standing on big metal. “FROM DIRECTOR J.J. ABRAMS” (blue font with a nice lens flare)

Some Kennedy speech about space flight: “The eyes of the world now look to space.” People walking around the saucer section. The wielders are everywhere, showing size. We hear, “The Eagle has landed.” Huge overhead shot pans across, suddenly showing what looks like miles of scaffolding underneath. Title: “THE FUTURE BEGINS” Really impressive shot from by the nacelle(?) of people all over the ship, and you can see a huge industrialize city or shipyard in the background. It’s being built on Earth, not in space. Neil Armstrong: “One small step for man…” Camera slowly cranes up over the whole saucer section.

Then we hear then Leonard Nimoy’s line: “Space, the final frontier,” and the familiar “Star Trek” theme horns. The shot continues, revealing the writing on the top of the saucer — “U.S.S. Enterprise,” and these huge aircraft-like warp engines in the background. Technically, the first reveal of what we’re seeing. Just the Starfleet log (no title).

Title card: “UNDER CONSTRUCTION” “CHRISTMAS 2008”

I’m curious how this is going to play out – what does JJ Abrams do when he doesn’t have a secret monster to conceal?  Wipes his ass with $100s while rubbing his palms together and giggling like a crazed weasel, I’m guessing.  God I hate my life.

So it’s pretty much all Cloverfield all the time out here in the movie blog world.   The video above is from the TED conference (which humbly describes itself as "group of remarkable people that gather to exchange ideas of incalculable value"), in which JJ Abrams describes a “mystery box” which he bought as a child but has never opened.  He’s actually a fairly engaging dude, and I’m second guessing my decision to wish butt cancer on him.  Sort of.

You can also read Harry Knowles of AICN’s review of Cloverfield which, shockingly, describes it as basically the most important thing to happen to the universe since the big bang (or the Jesus Christ Blues Explosion, depending on your religious beliefs).   

Alternately, FilmDrunkard Will sent me this link to a spoiler of just about everything in the film from someone who saw an advance screening, including a question and answer forum. 

I hope everyone checks it out, or sees the movie, or does whatever they need to do in order to get back to exchanging ideas of incalculable value.  Seriously, some of the shit we talk on here is so important that I spill Doritos on my sweatpants from the sheer profundity of it all.  

These are supposedly "production notes" from Cloverfield:

The concept for the monster (affectionately known simply as “Clover” in-house) is simple, says Abrams. “He’s a baby. He’s brand-new. He’s confused, disoriented and irritable. And he’s been down there in the water for thousands and thousands of years.”

…Not only is the creature disoriented – he’s downright angry. “There are a bunch of smaller things – humans – that are annoying him and shooting at him like a swarm of bees,” observes Reeves. “None of these things are going to kill the monster, but they hurt it and it doesn’t understand. It’s this new environment that it finds frightening.”

…As part of a “post-birth ritual,” as Abrams describes it, the monster is seen early on scratching his back on a building (destroying it in the process), to remove a layer of parasites that are set loose to wreak their own havoc on the city. 

…“Drew and I were struggling with, ‘When you have a monster that size how do you keep the characters from seeming totally irrelevant?’” says Abrams. “How do you have any one-on-one struggle?” Explains Goddard, “Because he’s so big, we knew it was going to be difficult to have intimate sequences. It’s not like any of the characters could fight him or that anyone could even figure out a way to hurt him.” 

And because of that, the idea of the parasites was born. “They’re these horrifying, dog-sized creatures that just scatter around the city and add to the nightmare of the evening,” Abrams says. 

“The parasites have a voracious, rabid, bounding nature, but they also have a crab-like crawl,” Reeves explains. “They have the viciousness of a dog, but with the ability to climb walls and stick to things.”

Anyway, you can read the full article and see a bunch of production photos over at /film. But I’m calling bullshit on the whole thing.  You’re never going to see the monster, you know why?  Because JJ Abrams hates you, that’s why.  Look at him.  No one who looks like this isn’t angry at the world.   

And always remember, kids: You can’t spell "Cloverfield" without "C. Lover".