I just got off the phone with UFC legend and jiu-jitsu icon Royce Gracie and I’m just in the mood to run around and start street fights now, so let’s get right into this week’s DVDs and streaming choices.

Available for your private viewing enjoyment this week:

Cloud Atlas
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Back to 1942
Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
Liz & Dick
3, 2, 1… Frankie Go Boom
Tomorrow You’re Gone

Streaming: And I have a list of movies that I’ll be watching to resume Netflix Instant Theater next week, so I think I’ll start with John Dies in the End, so watch that for preparation.

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Tom Tykwer and The Wachowski Starship‘s Cloud Atlas (my review) recently had 40 minutes shaved from it by mainland China’s strict censors. Amazingly, the cuts had nothing to do with the film’s horrendous Asian-face make up, they were more about sexiness and gay stuff.

Material deleted mainly comprised of love scenes, gory sequences and nudity. A number of same-sex love scenes between actors Ben Whishaw and James D’Arcy were also cut from the film due to the Sarft’s strict ban on homosexual content. Mainland actress Zhou Xun has a small role in the film and appears in a sex scene which is expected to be cut.

“Although the mainland version is a bit constrained, [we] fully believe in the regulator’s editing standards,” said Cloud Atlas co-director Tom Tykwer, who was in Beijing on Tuesday to promote the movie ahead of its January 31 release. [Scmp]

Did you catch that? That’s the amazing part of this story to me, that Chinese censors cut 40 minutes – a full fourth of the movie – and the directors still showed up in Beijing to promote it. I know it’s basically a cottage industry here to bash China while simultaneously grubbing for their money (see: the presidential debates, both candidates), but that’s still stunning that they showed up to the premiere of a film they didn’t even get to cut themselves.

Though “Cloud Atlas” directors said they believed Chinese editors, they didn’t do the cut themselves. Qiu Huashun, boss of the Dreams of the Dragon Pictures, said the cut is due to Chinese censorship regulations and the interests of Chinese market.

“It sucks really,” director Lana Wachowski told China.org.cn, “But I believe you can watch the full version online.” [china.org]

It’s hard to tell if there’s even a way to do that legally in China. Of course, Tykwer and the Wachowskis’ showing up reflected some economic realities:

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Forbes just released their list of the year’s 10 biggest flops (defining loss here as a percentage of budget, rather than total loss), which you can see below. The year is almost over, so there aren’t many films left that can out-bomb these bombs. All that’s left are Anna Karenina, Life of Pi, Twilight, Red Dawn, Rise of the Guardians, Silver Linings Playbook, Hitchcock, Killing Them Softly, Lay the Favorite, Playing for Keeps, The Hobbit, Hyde Park on the Hudson, The Guilt Trip, Zero Dark Thirty, Jack Reacher, Les Mis, Django, and Promised Land. Phew, okay, that’s actually a lot. But I believe in you, Red Dawn.

We used data from Box Office Mojo to see which films earned the smallest percentage of their budgets at the box office. Keep in mind that to begin to even imagine breaking even a film needs to earn at least twice its production budget at the box office. These 10 films didn’t come close. [Cloud Atlas is still in theaters, so it doesn't technically count yet, but I included it anyway.]

1. “The Oogieloves,” (Box office: $1 million; production budget: $20 million)

2. “A Thousand Words,” (Box office: $20 million; production budget: $40 million)/ “Cloud Atlas” (Box office: $24 million; production budget: $100 million)

3. “Dredd” (Box office: $28 million; production budget: $50 million)

4. “Big Miracle” (Box office: $25 million: production budget: $40 million)

5. “Wanderlust” (Box office: $21 million; production budget: $30 million)

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SYMBOLISM!

It’s no wonder Cloud Atlas opened to mixed and polarized reviews, it’s like a three-hour, constantly shifting contradiction, going from tear-inducing poignant to chortle-provoking stupid (and you never want to provoke a chortle, EVER). You want to give it credit for all its dazzling imagery, but almost every actual idea it presents it eventually contradicts or pisses down its leg.

Based on the novel by David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas is a sort of Valentine’s Day of Oscar movies, a tale of love  across lifetimes. The twist this time is that each vignette stars the same cast – Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Jim Sturgess, Jim Broadbent, Hugh Grant, Ben Whishaw, Doona Bae, and Hugo Weaving -  giving the makeup artists a workout and keeping the producers from having to hire Josh Duhamel. Co-directed by Tom Tykwer and the Wachowski Starship, it cuts between six interconnecting storylines:

• An 1849 colonial ocean voyage (Wachowskis)
• A 1930s gay love story about an aspiring composer (Tykwer)
• An environmental thriller set in 1970s San Francisco (Tykwer)
• A contemporary drama about a British book publisher (Tykwer)
• An Asian-face revolt in 2144 New Seoul (Wachowskis)
• A Hunger Games-ish arrow fight on a post-apocalyptic 24th century forest island (Wachowskis).

Going into a three-hour story of love that defies time, place, and the boundaries of the individual, you dread a certain amount of pomposity, a story drunk on its own loftiness. Even the casual moviegoer recognizes the correlation between make-up and awards-needy self-importance, and Cloud Atlas has enough conspicuous make-up to build Nicole Kidman a thousand nose prosthetics. But at least at first, Cloud Atlas is a pleasant surprise, seeming more concerned with imagery than with beating you over the head with loves, longing, and triumphs of the will. I love a period piece, and Cloud Atlas is like six in one – Downton’s abbey, frigate, restaurant, island, nuclear reactor, and nursing home.

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Relevant.

Proving that the rest of the world hates America, Skyfall opened in 25 foreign markets over the weekend, which means that while you were being dragged to Fun Size with your girlfriend and her kid brother, random bros over in Norway got to watch James Bond kick Javier Bardem’s ass. Seriously, what has Norway done to deserve getting movies before us? Absolutely nothing. Alas, Europe and the rest of the world showed Daniel Craig some love, as Skyfall raked in $77.7 million this weekend, still two weeks away from its American debut.

As for the four movies that actually opened in America this weekend… yikes.

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