(Hello, shoes on the bed, what were you, born in a barn?)

Clive Owen is one of the few actors in Hollywood who can combine looks with manliness and actual acting talent (the other being of course Channing Tatum), so he should have no trouble getting good roles.  Yet it’s been a couple years since he’s been in anything I cared about seeing, and his latest film doesn’t sound much better.

Patrick Alessandrin (upcoming District 13: Ultimatum) will direct Clive Owen in the action-thriller Protection.
Written by Brandon Noonan, the project is about a twenty-one-year-old daughter of a Mexican judge who’s targeted by mob types (after she sees them kill her father and other family members), and must stay on the run through dodgy places on both sides of the border, while an agent (Owen) tries to protect her and the bad guy is hot on her trail. [ComingSoon]

What, that doesn’t sound lame enough for you?  Well that’s probably because I didn’t include the last line of the source: “Paul Walker was previously attached to play the agent role.”  Ouch.  Come on, Clive, when Zac Efron dropped out of the Footloose remake, you didn’t see Gene Hackman trying to take his place.  Don’t Kate Hudson your career, dude.

(Serious Cat knows the truth, Clive)

*checks Flavor Flav clock necklace*

Well I’ll be damned, it’s that time of the week again! Time for me to introduce yet another movie trailer that will turn your significant other sterile. In this installment, I proudly introduce The Boys Are Back, from director Scott Hicks, starring Clive Owen and some kids with accents.

*lowers needle on Thin Lizzy record*

Now be sure to keep your eyes peeled here and do not let yourself fall for Owen’s usual charismatic tricks. Dude is trouble and I’ll tell you why after the jump:
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Duplicity (trailer after the jump) stars Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Tom Wilkinson, and comes from Michael Clayton director Tony Gilroy (“H.W. calls it Michael Gay-ton.  That’s a burn”).  Judging by the kooky horn music, it’s some kind of screwball comedy, and Clive Owen and Julia Roberts are a spy couple.

What would it take to live like this?
20 million dollars?
I was thinking more like 40.
So what do you have to do to make 40 million dollars?

Well, you could always just have Julia Roberts’ character go undercover as Julia Roberts like in Ocean’s Twelve.  Goddamn that was f-cking stupid.
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Clive Owen: The thinking man’s Jason Statham

After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for The International, starring Clive Owen and Naomi Watts.

Interpol Agent Louis Salinger (Clive Owen) and Manhattan Assistant District Attorney Eleanor Whitman (Naomi Watts) are determined to bring to justice one of the world’s most powerful banks. Uncovering myriad and reprehensible illegal activities, Salinger and Whitman follow the money from Berlin to Milan to New York to Istanbul. Finding themselves in a high-stakes chase across the globe, their relentless tenacity puts their own lives at risk as their targets will stop at nothing – even murder – to continue financing terror and war. Directed by Tom Tykwer (Run Lola Run) from an original screenplay written by Eric Warren Singer, The International is being shot on location in Germany and throughout Europe. [Apple]

That was quite the synopsis for a movie whose plot is basically “What if your bank was… evil.”  Look man, you don’t have to tell me the bank supports terrorism to make me hate it.  One $28 overdraft fee and I’m already praying for a motherf-cker to die in a fire.  Especially that 20-year-old Korean teller.  There was something suspicious about her, I’m telling you.

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Thanks to some Pulitzer-worthy reporting by IGN and their “trusted source”, the blogosphere has learned that Angelina Jolie may have to drop out of Edwin A. Salt.

You may remember that Edwin A. Salt was the spy thriller to which Tom Cruise was originally attached.  They had recently replaced him with Jolie and were planning to re-write the title and parts of the script to accommodate the gender change (all the standing-up-to-pee scenes had to go… ha, just kidding, it was written for Tom Cruise! Kazam!).

We’ve been informed that Jolie may have to drop out due to the needs of her newborn twins and thus might not be able to meet the picture’s start date. While it’s not official yet, Jolie’s departure from Salt certainly appears likely.

If Jolie does indeed drop out of the project then the studio is expected to go back out to male stars for the title role.

Please, no man could possibly replace Angelina Jolie.  Except maybe Clive Owen.  I’d totally bone that guy.