"Get off my TV lawn."

There are probably a dozen or so celebrities I could name off the top of my head that I would never imagine agreeing to allow cameras into their lives, and somewhere near the top of my list would be Clint Eastwood. I imagine that a cameraman would take one step inside Eastwood’s house before he was greeted with a pipe wrench to the back of his skull and the grittiest utterance of the word “Pussy” ever spoken.

But would I watch a Clint Eastwood reality show? You bet your sandpaper-wiping ass I would. So when E! announced that it was going to air a new reality show about Eastwood in May, I spit tobacco juice all over my computer monitor, and I don’t even dip. There’s just one problem, though – the show’s about his wife and kids.

But rather than a deeper look into the life of esteemed actor and director Clint Eastwood, the series will focus on his wife Dina, their teenage daughters Francesca and Morgan, and ‘Overtone’: the all-male, six member South African vocal group that Dina manages (hence the “Company.”)

“Nothing is more important to me than family – no matter how you define that,” Dina Eastwood said in a statement. “People might be surprised by how we live our lives and our unconventional approach, and I also believe that it’s hard not to fall in love with my band, ‘Overtone.’” (Via EW Popwatch)

It’s not bad enough that it’s just Clint’s wife and daughters, but it’s also based around a boy band. I mean, if Clint doesn’t make random appearances in which he just walks on screen and mumbles, “What the f*ck are you candied fruits doing in my house?” I’m just going to be depressed. It would be like Robert Duvall showing up on Project Runway or George Clooney dating someone his age.

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"Oh, the Urban Outfitters accessories rack? Right over there."

Forget the Academy Awards, the Golden Globes or even the People’s Choice Awards. When it comes to determining who America’s favorite actor is, the only proper way to do it is with an online poll of 2,237 adults representing four age groups, conducted in just 7 days. And through that foolproof scientific method, we now know that Johnny Depp is America’s favorite actor for the second year running, according to the latest Harris Poll.

Better luck next year, Tom Sizemore!

Age, region, gender and political party and leanings mean different favorite actors. Men cite Clint Eastwood as their favorite while women say it is Johnny Depp. Echo Boomers (those aged 18-34), Gen Xers (aged 35-46) and Baby Boomers (aged 47-65) all say Johnny Depp is their favorite actor while for Matures (those aged 66 and older), George Clooney is their favorite.

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Yes, it’s time to panic. Tucked into a news story about Clint Eastwood’s 18-year-old daughter Francesca appearing in a new video for professional starf*cker Tyler Shields, was this item:

The new shoot is a precursor to a new reality show which will feature Francesca, Clint’s wife Dina Eastwood, 46, and their 15-year-old daughter Morgan, Francesca’s half sister.
The show, which will feature on the E! Entertainment channel, is said to air later this year and will be produced by the production company behind the Kardashian reality shows [Bunim-Murray, who also make The Real World and Bad Girls, among other things].
According to reports, Clint, 81, will be making cameo appearances in the programme. [DailyMail]

That’s right, the father of cinematic badassery will be making cameo appearances in a reality show about his fame-whoring wife and daughters on the network that brings you breathless reports on the latest haircolor of the family of a chick famous for making a sex tape with a d-list pop star (the scary thing is that sentence could’ve gone on even longer). The only thing that could make this okay is if he actually does bust out his M-1 rifle, shoot the entire crew, and feed them to his pet squirrel. (A scenario eerily predicted earlier this week by commenter Jersey Devil).

Dammit, Clint. You’re supposed to grind your teeth and growl angrily about stuff like this, not participate in it.

"Say good morning to the squirrel, spook."

As far as I can tell, the source for this story is ContactMusic, which means it’s probably not true at all BUT OH GOD I HOPE IT’S TRUE THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY OF OUR GENERATION! The story is this: Clint Eastwood is friends with a squirrel. Are you still with me here? That’s right, a squirrel. Clint Eastwood and a squirrel are friends now. They just hang out, eating nuts together, doing squirrel-type shit like a couple of regular dude-bros.

Clint Eastwood is obsessed with a squirrel called Lola.

OBSESSED! (*20s newscaster voice*) That’s right, they say the old man’s gone squirrel crazy! He’s loco for Lola, I tell ya! He’s bonkers for bushy tails!

The ‘J. Edgar’ director came across his furry friend on the Warner Bros. movie lot in Los Angeles, California, and now insists on leaving the door of his office open when he is working so that Lola can stop by whenever she wants.
A source said: “Clint leaves the front door open whenever he’s inside working so Lola can come and go. He gets a kick out of watching her and always keeps a bag of shelled peanuts on the bottom shelf of a bookcase in case she gets hungry. Clint would be so upset if Lola disappeared. He enjoys her company.”

Some say the unlikely friendship began when old Clint saved Lola from a gang of unsavory chipmunks. Said Clint sheepishly, “Aw heck, I wasn’t savin’ anybody. I was just tryin’ to get a horde of twig-chuckin’ acorn nibblers off my lawn. Back in ‘Nam we used to kill chipmunks by the thousands. I tell ya there was stacks a dead chipmunks gook high.”

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Funny, this is my idea to punish Adam Sandler.

In Theaters Everywhere: Jack and Jill, J. Edgar, The Immortals

FilmDrunk Armond White Suggests: Jack and Jill, of course. It gravitates toward the median of brilliance and esoteric mental orgasmic sincerity. Jack is Jill. Jill is Jack. We are Jack. We are Jill. This movie is the centric positivity and balance that we need to forge ethnic dissipation. Plus, fat white chick.

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