Following reports that studios have planned sequels for both the barely released Clash of the Titans and not-yet-released Tron Legacy comes the news of the sequel we’ve all been waiting for.  That’s right, I’m talking about Johnny  English 2.  *passes out, dumps pitcher of water on self to revive, makes faces for 15 minutes*

Oliver Parker (St. Trinian’s) is onboard to direct.  Hamish McColl — who wrote another Rowan Atkinson starrer, 2007′s Mr. Bean’s Holiday — penned the screenplay.
The 2003 comedy, which cost $40 million to make, earned a mere $26 million stateside, but did huge business overseas for a $161 million worldwide haul. [Variety]

Providing yet more evidence for my thesis, Foreigners Are Stupid and Ugly and Fly-Covered, Ew Gross.  If you needed a refresher on Johnny English, I attached two videos.  The top one, entitled, “The Funniest Scene from Johnny English,” and another below, entitled, “The Two Most Funny Moments from Johnny English.”  I haven’t seen the film, but if these are the funniest parts, I imagine it involves puppy slaughter.  Oh God, they’ve greenlit another puppy slaughter movie, haven’t they.  Please, think of the puppies.

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As I reported yesterday, the battle has been waging between elitist film queers and your average Joe Cousinf*cker over whether post-converted 3D as seen in Clash of the Titans is cool or just a poorly-executed scheme to charge more.  Clash of the Titans director Louis Leterrier was asked about it recently, and even he said it’s the suckiest waste of money since the sloopy beej he got from your sister. I’m paraphrasing, of course.

Q. WHY REMAKE “CLASH”?
A. That is a question I asked myself. After “Hulk,” I wanted to do other things, but they came to me and said, “There’s this movie we’ve been trying to do for 12 years. Sam Raimi tried to do it; it’s ‘Clash of the Titans.’” And I said, “Guys, you cannot remake ‘Clash of the Titans.’ I am the biggest fan of ‘Clash of the Titans,’ you are idiots if you remake ‘Clash of the Titans.’ But then I thought about it and said, “If the Greek mythology door isn’t opened now, it will be closed for another 20 years.”

Q. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE 3D CONVERSION? THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK THAT IT’S NOT UP TO SNUFF.
A. Well, what did you think? Be honest.

Q. WELL, TO ME, IT WAS LIKE WATCHING A VIEW-MASTER.
A. (laughs) It’s funny, that is one of the things I was saying to them. Don’t make it so much like a ViewMaster — so … so puffied up. Listen, it was not my intention to do it in 3D; it was not my decision to convert it in 3D. Now, people love 3D. People will go see it in 3D, and it will play in 3D; it’s like a ride. If you love 3D and the studio is giving you the opportunity to see it in 3D, go see it in 3D. If you don’t like 3D, don’t go see it in 3D. Conversions, they all look like this. “Alice in Wonderland” looks like this. Remember the technology was not ready, so it’s Warner Bros saying we are giving you the best of what we can do. [THR]

Aw, that was sweet of WB to rush a 3D conversion the director didn’t want and give it to us while it still looked sucky. They should be able write off their $61 million opening weekend as a charitable donation and get it tax free, the saints.  In related news, I opened a Greek mythology door once. …ONCE.  I’m keeping that thing shut. Some things you can’t unsee.

Most of the critics thought Clash of the Titans was either sucky, or fun in a really sucky way (like your sister), and that the post-converted 3D was kind of pointless because it actually looked better without the glasses. But it also earned $61 million dollars and broke an Easter weekend record.  How could both of these things be true??!?  Why, this must be proof that elitist film snobs are out of touch with your average Joe Sh*tferbrains.  Writes the NY Times:

But what about regular moviegoers — would they even notice anything amiss with the movie’s 3-D?  Early feedback indicates that Joe and Jane Moviegoer don’t really see what all the fuss is about.

“I thought the 3-D quality was really good,” said Eric Shimp as he left a showing of “Clash of the Titans” at the AMC Century City 15 in Los Angeles. Mr. Shimp, who works in the automotive industry [*cough* Jiffy Lube! *cough, cough*], added, “The ticket prices are ridiculous, but it does leave you feeling like you’ve just seen a spectacle.”

Sharle Kochman, a cosmetologist, said as she left the theater that she thought the 3-D quality was on a par with “Avatar,” and Lauren Shotwell, a music executive, said she noticed none of the tell-tale signs of a 3-D conversion: blurriness, double images (called “ghosting”), flat backgrounds. “During the computer-generated parts the 3-D looked totally fine,” Ms. Shotwell said.

So what you’re saying is, one group of people think one thing, and another group thinks someone else? My stars, I’ve never seen a mainstream newspaper article take shape in such a way.  Wait, don’t tell me how it ends!

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Tired of being the forgotten step-child of the snack food industry, Mac’s Pork Skins, hoping to reverse a decades-long trend of eroding market share for pork rinds, has announced a huge product placement deal with Warner Bros new action-adventure Clash of the Titans. The announcement comes on the eve of the 3D film’s release.  Said Mac’s new Chief Marketing Office, Seth Goldberg:

“Mac’s Pork Skins have long catered to the snacker who defies convention, says ‘damn the Gods’ of processed corn and wheat snacks, and opts instead for the classic taste of pork skin, the only snack that’s been enjoyed by snackers everywhere continuously since the time of the ancient Greeks.  I can’t eat them myself, for religious reasons, but if I did, I’d reach for Mac’s.  They’re the porkinest!”

Insiders say editors are hurriedly adding Mac’s Pork Skins to some key Clash scenes via CGI. In addition, Titans star Liam Neeson, who plays Zeus in the film, will appear in character in a few Mac’s spots set to air during the NCAA finals this weekend, in which he’ll loudly declare that we must “RELEASE THE CRACKLIN’S!”

The Clash of the Titans poster seems to be taking a lot of abuse lately, which may or may not have something to do with it looking really sh-tty.  First, this mashup of the subway poster and the Dunkin Donuts latte ad was spotted in Brooklyn.  Then FilmDrunkard BDarbs spotted the above bus ad in San Francisco. You could argue that the Dunkin mashup is more clever, but there’s just something timeless about a crudely scrawled penis on someone’s face.

[subway poster via NY Mag]