Continuing its tradition of being theoretically awesome but a chore to actually sit through, The Expendables franchise added two more aging action legends to the cast of its sequel back in September, and now the first pictures of Norris and JCVD have hit the web (via ComingSoon). Continuing the tradition of silly names, according to IMDB, Norris is playing “Booker,” while Van Damme will portray “Jean Vilain.”  Just going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the latter is a bad guy. In either case, I’m sure their characters will be introduced only in the most organic, necessary-to-the-plot manner. (Sidenote: It must be awesome for Chuck Norris that he has all those Chuck Norris Facts to distract people from what a whack job he actually is.)

I also enjoy that they managed to get a Belgian in a black turtle neck and a Hollywood producer in tinted shades and a ridiculously unnecessary scarf. All that’s missing is an Italian guy in a speedo flipping pizza dough and a Mexican pulling a donkey. Come to think of it, Danny Trejo should really be in this. Playing “Juan Tofessobee” or something.
Read the rest of this entry »

WELL FEATHER MY MULLET. It seems fellow former shong sporters (shong = short in front, long in back) Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme may have joined the cast of The Expendables 2. I say “may” because this comes from a FirstShowing report announcing “JCVD and Chuck Norris Officially Confirmed to Join Expendables 2?” PRO TIP: If a headline has a question mark at the end, you can ignore any words like “official” and “confirmed” before it. In any case, while there’s been no press release or official announcement, Norris and Van Damme’s names did show up on the film’s official website at MillenniumFilms. Here’s the rundown:

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal!

Wait, so last time, when they flew a seaplane to a tropical island and overthrew a strongman and his army with six dudes because Sylvester Stallone had a crush on his daughter, that wasn’t personal? Or maybe it was, and this is kind of like that Mitch Hedberg line. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.”

After Tool (Mickey Rourke), the heart and soul of the Expendables, is brutally murdered on a mission, his comrades swear to avenge him. They’re not the only ones who want blood. Tool’s beautiful young and wild daughter Fiona…

Young, beautiful, wild, and VOLUPTUOUS daughter, I hope. That would make their mission more personal, I feel.

Read the rest of this entry »

CLICK TO ANIMATE

Chuck Norris vs. Fainting Kittens.  This may break the internet.  Your move, Seagal.  |via|

MORNING LINKS

• ‘The Walking Dead’ Grants Treats For Halloween Night. |Uproxx|

• Which Moral Guardians Are Hypocrites Today? (Hint: Your mom). |UproxxNews|

• SITE NEWS: New Frotcast will be up later this morning.

• The 16-year-old daughter on Modern Family who’s actually 20 dresses all slutty. |WarmingGlow|

• Ghost Rider 2 gets a budget cut.  This movie is an even worse idea than a Fantastic Four reboot. |GammaSquad|

• Notre Dame’s videographer died in a fall after predicting his own death on Twitter. |WithLeather|

• 2010-11 NBA Season Tip Off: 12 Things To Watch. |SmokingSection|

• Ugh, another Back to the Future feature?  Oh, on Playboy. Nice. (SFW) |Playboy|

• Texas reporter is surprised that we smoke weed in San Fran.  That’s right, fella. We got crazier bums here too. |Buzzfeed|

• What’s the Best Zombie Movie? |Gunaxin|

• A couple good bits from last night’s South Park. |GorillaMask|

• The 4 types of people most affected by getting rid of the cardboard tubes in toilet paper rolls. |HolyTaco|

• 9 Mel Gibson cameo roles we’d like to see. |ScreenJunkies|

• Mexican town’s entire police force quits after getting shot at, not that I blame them. |NYCBarStoolSports|

• Death Star Pumpkin Blows All Other Pumpkins Away.  |UnrealityMag|

FilmDrunk on Facebook. FilmDrunk on Twitter. The Frotcast on iTunes. Comments of the week

Folks, sometimes we here at FilmDrunk like to take a time out from movie news to ponder the big questions.  Questions like, “Who’s better at fighting bears, Walker Texas Ranger (Chuck Norris) or Hercules (Lou Ferrigno)?”

Hercules seems to be a clear winner, on account of him beating up the bear and throwing it into outer space (though the bear’s ghost does growl menacingly at us).  Meanwhile, Walker defeats his bear simply by looking into his soul, like some kind of pacificist, new-age pussy.  What’s up, Chuck? I thought you were a Republican. Or maybe I switched on Walker Canadian Mountie by mistake? If so, my bad. 

*mouths “PUSSY”*
Read the rest of this entry »

Here at FilmDrunk, instead of working on the weekends, we suggest you go back and re-read the best posts of the week.  Here they are:

10. Frank Miller’s Charlie Brown. “Schultz City: That Yellow-Shirted Such and Such.”

9. Three words: Turtle Rape Shoe.

8. Chodin reviewed I Love You, Man. I didn’t like it as much as he did (it was very funny, but also painfully conventional), but how could I not post a review that includes the line, “That’s when an invisible hose extends from your theater seat and milks the funny from your anus.”  But… wouldn’t it be shooting funny into your anus?  Your argument is invalid.

7. Chuck Norris decided he wants to run for Prime Magician of Narnia or some crap.

6. This 4 Fast 4 Furious clip will satisfy your appetite for XTREME GEAR SHIFT CLOSEUPS!  OOH WHA-A AA-AA!

5.  I weighed in on Watchmen. I think it’s worth seeing and I don’t even like comic books.  But keep in mind, ladies, the penis is CGI.

4. Awesome clip from Tough Guys Don’t Dance (try telling that to Hugh Jackman).  Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man!

3. It’s revealed that George Lucas wanted Indiana Jones to be a statutory rapist.  “It’s just not interesting after 15.”  Amen, brother.

2. RETARDED FIGHT CLUB! That is all.

1. Trailer for the heartwarming soon-to-be indie drama Charley the Retarded Cat. I’ve watched this probably fifteen times and I still laugh so hard tears roll down my cheeks every time.  Granted, I have problems, but still.