I’ve said it

Here’s the transcript:

“As my wife Jean and I watched the GOP debate and went to the website, we were trying to decide which of the candidates would be best to do head-to-head combat with President Obama,” says Norris in the call. “Now, I didn’t say hand-to-hand combat, even though I think they would win there too. Jean and I decided that Newt Gingrich would be the best man to beat President Obama. Under Newt’s leadership, the budget was balanced, taxes were cut, and we began to pay down our national debt. These policies helped create 11 million new jobs. As president, Gingrich will repeal Obamacare, get rid of Obama’s Czars, and use common-sense measures like building the Keystone pipeline to lower the cost of gas to two-and-a-half dollars per gallon.”

I’m sorry to get political since so many of you come here for a respite from that bullshit, but whatever your leanings, I hope we can agree that trying to convince old people that we’re being invaded by Nicholas II-era Bolsheviks because there are policy advisors called “Czars” is an Idiocracy-level, and not-very-Norris, political strategy.

In other Norris-related news, Stallone now says that The Expendables 2 will now be rated R, despite previous rumors to the contrary:

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The gap between actual Chuck Norris and the fake Chuck Norris of the internet has always been a pretty wide one, and almost every news story about him is the equivalent of seeing a honey badger in real life and it turns out to be a koala wearing panties. Case in point, yesterday, a news story went around about a quote from a Polish newspaper’s interview of Norris, which basically implied that Expendables 2 was going to be PG-13 because Norris demanded it (the first one was rated R, and they kind of made a big deal about it). Here’s the translated quote:

“In Expendables 2, there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay. For this reason, many young people wouldn’t be able to watch this. But I don’t play in movies like this. Due to that I said I won’t be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be classified in the category of PG-13.” [Kazeta]

Yes, that would be a shame, today’s 8-year-olds not being able to see their heroes, uh… Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Late yesterday, Stallone confirmed via his BFF Harry Knowles:

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The Expendables 2 has a trailer out, and it’s great if all you were looking for was two-second shots of all the characters. REMEMBER WHO’S IN THIS!? DO YOU?! Although that skull logo that got stabbed in the eyes and grew a billion guns out of its head was pretty cool. Somewhere, Ed Hardy is furiously scribbling ideas onto a notepad. They’ve also released a synopsis, and not to worry, the characters still have ridiculous names.

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal… Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Lee Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren),Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) — with newest members Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) and Maggie (Yu Nan) aboard — are reunited when Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) enlists the Expendables to take on a seemingly simple job. The task looks like an easy paycheck for Barney and his band of old-school mercenaries. But when things go wrong and one of their own is viciously killed, the Expendables are compelled to seek revenge in hostile territory where the odds are stacked against them. Hell-bent on payback, the crew cuts a swath of destruction through opposing forces, wreaking havoc and shutting down an unexpected threat in the nick of time — six pounds of weapons-grade plutonium; enough to change the balance of power in the world. But that’s nothing compared to the justice they serve against the villainous adversary who savagely murdered their brother. That is done the Expendables way…. [Collider]

Would you say that the odds are… JACKED against them??? (*Terry Crews flexes, punches through laptop screen and bangs your girlfriend*)

Starring! Statham! Crews! Couture! Lundgren! Van Damme! Schwarzenegger! Li! Norris! …And introducing …SYLVESTER STALLONE’S PEN!

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It’s a slow news day, so I thought that under the circumstances, this alternate poster for The Expendables 2 that “johnymyko” left in the comments section of my This Week in Posters post warranted recognition. Great job, dude. (It’s also kind of interesting to note that some nameless Asian chick made the poster while Liam Hemsworth and Randy Couture did not — as first noted by our friends at Fightlinker).

Oh, and he inspired me to make a few alternate posters of my own. (Yes, they all involve pepper spray).

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Continuing its tradition of being theoretically awesome but a chore to actually sit through, The Expendables franchise added two more aging action legends to the cast of its sequel back in September, and now the first pictures of Norris and JCVD have hit the web (via ComingSoon). Continuing the tradition of silly names, according to IMDB, Norris is playing “Booker,” while Van Damme will portray “Jean Vilain.”  Just going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the latter is a bad guy. In either case, I’m sure their characters will be introduced only in the most organic, necessary-to-the-plot manner. (Sidenote: It must be awesome for Chuck Norris that he has all those Chuck Norris Facts to distract people from what a whack job he actually is.)

I also enjoy that they managed to get a Belgian in a black turtle neck and a Hollywood producer in tinted shades and a ridiculously unnecessary scarf. All that’s missing is an Italian guy in a speedo flipping pizza dough and a Mexican pulling a donkey. Come to think of it, Danny Trejo should really be in this. Playing “Juan Tofessobee” or something.
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