The gap between actual Chuck Norris and the fake Chuck Norris of the internet has always been a pretty wide one, and almost every news story about him is the equivalent of seeing a honey badger in real life and it turns out to be a koala wearing panties. Case in point, yesterday, a news story went around about a quote from a Polish newspaper’s interview of Norris, which basically implied that Expendables 2 was going to be PG-13 because Norris demanded it (the first one was rated R, and they kind of made a big deal about it). Here’s the translated quote:

“In Expendables 2, there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay. For this reason, many young people wouldn’t be able to watch this. But I don’t play in movies like this. Due to that I said I won’t be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be classified in the category of PG-13.” [Kazeta]

Yes, that would be a shame, today’s 8-year-olds not being able to see their heroes, uh… Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Late yesterday, Stallone confirmed via his BFF Harry Knowles:

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The Expendables 2 has a trailer out, and it’s great if all you were looking for was two-second shots of all the characters. REMEMBER WHO’S IN THIS!? DO YOU?! Although that skull logo that got stabbed in the eyes and grew a billion guns out of its head was pretty cool. Somewhere, Ed Hardy is furiously scribbling ideas onto a notepad. They’ve also released a synopsis, and not to worry, the characters still have ridiculous names.

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal… Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Lee Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren),Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) — with newest members Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) and Maggie (Yu Nan) aboard — are reunited when Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) enlists the Expendables to take on a seemingly simple job. The task looks like an easy paycheck for Barney and his band of old-school mercenaries. But when things go wrong and one of their own is viciously killed, the Expendables are compelled to seek revenge in hostile territory where the odds are stacked against them. Hell-bent on payback, the crew cuts a swath of destruction through opposing forces, wreaking havoc and shutting down an unexpected threat in the nick of time — six pounds of weapons-grade plutonium; enough to change the balance of power in the world. But that’s nothing compared to the justice they serve against the villainous adversary who savagely murdered their brother. That is done the Expendables way…. [Collider]

Would you say that the odds are… JACKED against them??? (*Terry Crews flexes, punches through laptop screen and bangs your girlfriend*)

Starring! Statham! Crews! Couture! Lundgren! Van Damme! Schwarzenegger! Li! Norris! …And introducing …SYLVESTER STALLONE’S PEN!

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It’s a slow news day, so I thought that under the circumstances, this alternate poster for The Expendables 2 that “johnymyko” left in the comments section of my This Week in Posters post warranted recognition. Great job, dude. (It’s also kind of interesting to note that some nameless Asian chick made the poster while Liam Hemsworth and Randy Couture did not — as first noted by our friends at Fightlinker).

Oh, and he inspired me to make a few alternate posters of my own. (Yes, they all involve pepper spray).

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Continuing its tradition of being theoretically awesome but a chore to actually sit through, The Expendables franchise added two more aging action legends to the cast of its sequel back in September, and now the first pictures of Norris and JCVD have hit the web (via ComingSoon). Continuing the tradition of silly names, according to IMDB, Norris is playing “Booker,” while Van Damme will portray “Jean Vilain.”  Just going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the latter is a bad guy. In either case, I’m sure their characters will be introduced only in the most organic, necessary-to-the-plot manner. (Sidenote: It must be awesome for Chuck Norris that he has all those Chuck Norris Facts to distract people from what a whack job he actually is.)

I also enjoy that they managed to get a Belgian in a black turtle neck and a Hollywood producer in tinted shades and a ridiculously unnecessary scarf. All that’s missing is an Italian guy in a speedo flipping pizza dough and a Mexican pulling a donkey. Come to think of it, Danny Trejo should really be in this. Playing “Juan Tofessobee” or something.
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WELL FEATHER MY MULLET. It seems fellow former shong sporters (shong = short in front, long in back) Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme may have joined the cast of The Expendables 2. I say “may” because this comes from a FirstShowing report announcing “JCVD and Chuck Norris Officially Confirmed to Join Expendables 2?” PRO TIP: If a headline has a question mark at the end, you can ignore any words like “official” and “confirmed” before it. In any case, while there’s been no press release or official announcement, Norris and Van Damme’s names did show up on the film’s official website at MillenniumFilms. Here’s the rundown:

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal!

Wait, so last time, when they flew a seaplane to a tropical island and overthrew a strongman and his army with six dudes because Sylvester Stallone had a crush on his daughter, that wasn’t personal? Or maybe it was, and this is kind of like that Mitch Hedberg line. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.”

After Tool (Mickey Rourke), the heart and soul of the Expendables, is brutally murdered on a mission, his comrades swear to avenge him. They’re not the only ones who want blood. Tool’s beautiful young and wild daughter Fiona…

Young, beautiful, wild, and VOLUPTUOUS daughter, I hope. That would make their mission more personal, I feel.

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