Says the Imgur caption: “I work in a restaurant. This is our Christopher Walk-In.” Yup, well done, internet. I think we’re done here. [Imgur]

MORNING LINKS
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: UPROXX Is Teaming Up With 5-Second Films To Create UPROXX Video |UPROXX|

A Mexican dude dressed like Wolverine saved people from a burning tower |Film Drunk|

That Lucy Van Pelt will get hers.
[via Fck Yeah Dementia]

10 Of ‘Archer’s’ Most Visually Distinctive Homages To Movies |Warming Glow|

Kobayashi Ate An Entire Domino’s Pizza In 60 Seconds Because YOLO |With Leather|

Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week |Gamma Squad|

Three 2013 Music Festivals That Don’t Suck Like Coachella |Smoking Section|

LOLNFL: Super Bowl XLVII Stuff |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Paper cuts of popular icons. Can you guess them all? |theChive|

The 30 Weirdest 1-900 Numbers From The ’80s |Buzzfeed|

10 Actors You Think Won For Something But Won For Something Else |Film.com|

Is This The Saddest Reddit Post Of All Time? |HuffPost Comedy|

Super Mario Busters |Clip Nation|

6 Crazy Things You Can Make with 3D Printers |Mental Floss|

Is This Herbal Tea Commercial Too Scary Or Just Scary Enough? |Videogum|

This awesome perpetual motion machine may not be perpetual but it’s awesome for sure |Fark|

The 15 Loveliest Lady-Lady Love Scenes in Movies |NextMovie|

9 Bumper Stickers for People Who Don’t Suck |College Humor|

Beyonce Doesn’t Want You To See This Picture |IDLYITW|

Woman of Steel Cosplay |Unreality|

Justin Bieber Cheated On Selena Gomez With Rihanna? This Kid? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
|The Superficial|

Let’s Give These 11 Washed-Up Feature Film Actors Their Own Television Series |Pajiba|

Calvin & Hobbes IRL Wallpapers |High Definite|

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Excuse Me, Sir, Your Chemically-Induced Boner Needs Draining

Pacino and Walken. Walken and Pacino. If you want to know what’s great about Stand Up Guys, just look at this picture, which says it all. They have a natural chemistry, an indescribable watchability, that makes you wish they’d appear together in a movie that doesn’t require Pacino to get blood sucked out of his tumescent old boner. Yep, Stand Up Guys is that kind of movie. Dear Stand Up Guys Writers, CC: Hollywood: Not every movie about old guys needs a Viagra joke. Sincerely, Everyone. When Pacino started shoveling pills into his mouth while Walken cautioned, “Hey… VAL, maybe you… should slow DOWN a bit… those pills… are STRONG,” I thought to myself, “Ooh, the set up on this obvious joke is so labored, maybe they’re planning to flip the script on us!” Spoiler alert, they weren’t, and they didn’t, because this is a January movie. It’s like Pacino’s still trying to compete with DeNiro, who’s already old hat at boner stabbings after Ben Stiller stabbed his in Little Fockers. It makes you long for the days when DeNiro/Pacino was a Beatles/Beach Boys-esque rivalry that made them both better.

As you’ve gathered, Stand Up Guy‘s script is its achilles heel. Its achilles boner, say. We open with Christopher Walken (Doc) picking up Al Pacino (Val)  after a 28-year stint in the joint. The knock-around guys and former partners are each other’s only friends, making it that much sadder when we learn that Walken has been sent to kill Pacino, under penalty of death should he fail. Pacino knows he’s doomed, and they’ve got one last night together to make it count, which they do by banging hookers, boosting cars, and breaking Alan Arkin out of an old folk’s home. It’s sort of a poor man’s In Bruges. A poor, old man’s In Bruges, with bad Viagra jokes.

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This scene comes from a movie that came out in 1991, and the YouTube clip is from 2010 with 200K views, so save the “this is old” comments, brosephs and brosephines, your point has been conceded. Nonetheless, it was news to me, and it is magnificent. Everyone working on a Christopher Walken impression should study this clip. After making an epic entrance in a steadicam shot (“Eh, I’m Walken here!”), his hair blow dried and erect like a million tiny priapisms, Walken moseys into the scene like a leather-coated John Wayne, grabs the bullhorn, and tells the bad guy in vivid detail about the blow job Walken got from the guy’s wife. Even on paper, the scene is breathtaking in its Walkenness, but it’s Walken’s acting that really gives it the Walken touch. All the Walken hallmarks are there:

• Complete disregard for any and all punctuation

• Excessive emphasis on certain words and phrases, seemingly chosen at random

• Looking around between words to add gravitas

• Licking his lips like he’s chewing invisible gum.

Now it’s… TIME. For you. To be… MESmerized.

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[via imgur.com]

MORNING LINKS
Anchorman 2 News: Kristen Wiig to play Brick Tamland’s lamp interest |Film Drunk|

Frotcast 129: Matt Louv Talks Award Season, A Concerned Letter From His Mom |Frotcast|

Have we not learned from Treehouse of Horror XI? [via Awesomephilia]

A Brief Tribute To Britta Perry’s Inspirational ‘Me So Christmas’ Song And Dance |UPROXX|

A Very Helpful Guide To Every On-Screen Death On ‘The Walking Dead’ |Warming Glow|

The Nolan Ryan Robin Venture Fight, Now In 8-Bits |With Leather|

Peter Jackson And Warner Respond to ‘The Hobbit’ Barfgate (Plus New Footage) |Gamma Squad|

A Paula Patton Appreciation Post |Smoking Section|

Roger Goodell’s TIME Cover, Fixed |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Some faces just weren’t meant to be swapped |theChive|

In Honor of Her 31st Birthday, The 31 Hottest Pictures of a Young Britney Spears |Ranker|

23 Best Music Videos Of 2012 |Buzzfeed|

Amanda Seyfried’s Eyes Are Up Top, Anne Hathaway |The Superficial|

11 Internet-Related Plots from ’90s TV Shows |Mental Floss|

Tracy Morgan and Jimmy Fallon: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas |Clip Nation|

25 LOL-Worthy Holiday Photobombs |HuffPost|

Teen Korner: Yo! MTV’s “Millennials” Blog, Dawgs! |Videogum|

Eminem’s daughter continues the family tradition of pointless feuds with pop stars. |Fark|

Taylor Swift Did This At The Grammy Nomination Concert Last Night |IDLYITW|

Important Memo Regarding Fro-Yo Sampling Guidelines |College Humor|

Steve Buscemi’s Worlds Collide With ‘Boardwalk Sobchak’ Meme |Screen Junkies|

10 Random Instances in Which Jon Hamm Attempts to Convince Us He’s Not the Most Handsome Man in the Room |Pajiba|

When Bad Accents Happen to Good Actors |Indiewire|

The Swanson Guide to Holiday Shopping |Unreality|

The 10 Frattiest Colleges in America, According to U.S. News and World Report |Brobible|

How to Bake the Perfect Batch of Cookies |High Definite|

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Do you know how hard you have to work to make me dislike a movie about Christopher Walken in a cravat?

Laremy loved Seven Psychopaths and it hurts my soul when he and I disagree, but Laremy, you ignorant slut, consider this my rebuttal.

On paper, this is a movie I should love. The guy from In Bruges directing a group of my favorite actors in a hyperviolent, metatextual riff on screenwriting. In reality, aside from a few clever lines, a brilliant Christopher Walken impression from Christopher Walken, and a very cute dog, Seven Psychopaths felt like watching two grad students pee on each other for 90 minutes. Martin McDonagh wrote and directed it himself so I don’t pretend to know who the second pee-er might be (perhaps a fictional McDonagh alter-ego a la Adaptation?), but what I do know is that this was a clear case of a writer needing a director who was not himself.

First of all, Seven Psychopaths is a subtext movie. It’s not the screwball comedy they’re trying to sell you in the previews – which is fine, because whatever movie they’re trying to sell you in the trailers looks pretty shitty. And I’ve liked quite a few subtext movies – Adaptation, Scott Pilgrim, Kick-Ass – movies where the action on screen is supposed to represent a character’s stylized version of the reality of the movie. In Seven Psychopaths, all the action you see is meant to represent the movie that Colin Farrell’s character – an Irish, alcoholic screenwriter, presumably a stand-in for McDonagh – is trying to write. It’s a movie about a character in the movie writing the movie we’re now watching. Writing about writing, get it? That might strike some as hopelessly fart-huffing, but I love a meta movie if it’s done well.

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