Director Christopher Nolan has officially put an end to our nerdy loin punishments by announcing that Tom Hardy will play the villain Bane in the third and presumably final Nolan-directed Batman installment, The Dark Knight Rises. And that is all the news there is involving this film today… tee hee… oh who am I kidding? ANNE HATHAWAY IS CATWOMAN!!!

*tears up restraining order, rips off ankle tracking bracelet, jumps out window*

Take it away, Empire Online…

“I am thrilled to have the opportunity to work with Anne Hathaway, who will be a fantastic addition to our ensemble as we complete our story,” said director Christopher Nolan in a press release.

“I am delighted to be working with Tom again and excited to watch him bring to life our new interpretation of one of Batman’s most formidable enemies.”

Nolan didn’t divulge any plot details, but if he’s as brilliant as me it will involve Bane and Christian Bale’s Batman doing a lot of high-fiving as Hathaway pillow fights with Harley Quinn, played by just about any living female with a pulse. And I’m sure the nerd brigade is gonna come crash down the gates around my heart and tell me that Anne is a terrible choice, but blah blah blah, I love you Chris Nolan.

"That's right, bro, it's a lens. Sick, right?"

WB and Legendary pictures have to get their Superman movie made by 2012, because in 2013, some of their rights revert back to the heirs of creator Jerry Siegel (and god forbid those worthless catamites get nickel of this).  Back in February, WB hired Chris Nolan to “mentor” the process.  A few weeks after that, we heard David S. Goyer (co-wrote Batman Begins, story credit on Dark Knight) was writing the script.   Now, according to Deadline, Chris Nolan and producer Emma Thomas have a shortlist of possible directors.  BOOM!  HERE THE F*CK THEY ARE!  (That’s just how I roll, homey).

• Tony Scott (recently of Unstoppable — it’s like a missile the size of the Chrysler building!)
• Matt Reeves (Cloverfield, Let Me In)
• Jonathan Liebesman (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Clash of the Titans 2)
• Duncan Jones (Moon, Source Code)
• Zack Snyder (Watchmen, 300, Sucker Punch)

Nolan is reportedly meeting with candidates and will submit his choice to the studio in a few weeks.  Tony Scott is out of the question, because nowadays he only does movies about trains (though Superman is faster than a speeding train — discuss).  Matt Reeves… haven’t seen Let Me In yet, but… meh.  Jonathan Liebesman… double meh.  I still haven’t seen Duncan Jones’ Moon (no homo), but everyone says it’s amazing.  I believe them, but it’s always hard to predict what’ll happen when a director goes from smaller projects to blockbusters, and whether he’ll let the studio walk all over him or not.  I’m all for Zack Snyder.  He made the supposedly un-adaptable Watchmen and almost pulled it off.  Imagine the fun he could have with Superman.  But something tells me Superman doesn’t have enough zombies or owls or swordfights or hot chicks in spandex for Zack Snyder’s tastes.  Come to think of it, Superman is a little boring.  He’s like Steve Young with superpowers.

Continuing today’s “obvious stories” theme (Courtney Love fondles her crotch in public, Oliver Stone is an A-hole, The Social Network isn’t realistic, Mark Wahlberg beats people with his fake penis…), Inception is becoming a video game.  At least, that’s what Christopher Nolan said he has planned while doing press for the film’s release in Italy.  Why not?  It already has levels.

“What we are looking at doing is developing a videogame based on the world of the film, which has all kinds of ideas that you can’t fit into a feature film,” Nolan aid at a packed Rome press conference.  “that’s something we’ve been talking about and are looking at doing long term, in a couple of years.” [Variety]

Awwww, but I want it NOOOOW.  While you’re developing that, if there’s any way you could make it so that we can go inside the game, play it for days and days, and the real world time we wasted playing it was actually only a few minutes, that would be awesome.

BRAAAAAAAAHMM.  Hadouuuken. BRAAAAAHM.  Hadouuuken.  BRAAAAAAAHM. BRAAAAAHM.

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHMMMMMMM…

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHMMMMMMM….

That super-serious foghorn-like bass noise can mean only one thing: a new Inception trailer (via ThePlaylist).  This one is more character focused and gives us a little better idea of the plot, which I’m not sure I want.  If anyone, Christopher Nolan has earned the right for me to go in cold.  Luckily, it doesn’t seem like a plot that a two-minute trailer could come close to explaining.

“This can’t be done.  Dreams within dreams is too unstable.”

“What’s happening?”

“My subconscious is looking for the dreamer.  Me.  Quick, give me a kiss.”

Malkovich Malkovich?  Oh man.  I can’t wait for this movie.  It’s going to attach my own d*ck to my ear and make me skull f*ck myself like ouroboros.  So meta.

(*BRAAAAAAAAAAAAHMMMMMM*).  They should make Vuvuzelas that make that sound.  It would make the World Cup seem so much more… important.

While the rest of the dork world obsesses over which villains will be in the next Batman, I’m much more interested in what the guy who directed Memento, Insomnia, and the Prestige is doing with his non-comic book movie — probably because I’m so sophisticated (as you can see by this fine Italian loincloth).  The third trailer (above) and some TV spots (below) for Christopher Nolan’s Inception have just hit, and they’re beginning to give us some idea of the plot.

I’m always a little put off when a movie starts telling me it’s going to be about dreams, because dream sequences are almost always lame.  Case in point, the Nightmare on Elm Street trailer (Oh my God, it’s snowing… inside?  That’s so surreal!  You’re a genius!).  But this is Chris Nolan we’re talking here, and unimaginative he is not. Sample dialog:

DICAPRIO: “We create the world of the dream. We bring the subject into that dream, and they fill it with their secret. ” [Editor's note: Heh heh...]

ELLEN PAGE: “Then you break in and steal it?”

DICAPRIO: “Well, it’s not exactly legal.  It’s called ‘Inception.’ [...]

I think I’ve found a way home. And this last job?  That’s how I get there.  Dreams feel real while we’re in them.  It’s only when we wake up that we realize something’s actually strange.”

Beginning a sentence with “I was reading a Chuck Klosterman essay recently…” makes me want to strangle myself with my own scarf, but I was reading a Chuck Klosterman essay recently on the subject of Vanilla Sky, Memento and The Matrix, in which he was saying how “What is reality?” is really the only interesting question a movie can ask nowadays.  And how in sci-fi, the subject always chooses the depressing reality over the pleasant, real-feeling dream without much struggle or reflection.  Perhaps we’ll see something different here?  To put it in movie short hand, Inception looks like Tron meets Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind if it was a heist film, with elements of Dark City and Star Trek: Generations.  (*head explodes*)

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