The Green Hornet trailer is online now, and… I don’t know.  I’m underwhelmed.  The plan was for Seth Rogen and Michel Gondry to do a comedic, possibly weird take on The Green Hornet (yes, please).  Rumor had it the studio wasn’t thrilled with what they were seeing, and their decision to convert it to 3D hints at them wanting to turn it into a generic action “tentpole” (still hate that word).  But at this point we can only speculate.  Tone-wise, the trailer makes it look somewhere between Kick-Ass and Iron Man.  Actually, with them driving around in the Hornet mobile the whole time, it makes it feel a lot like Kick-Ass, just not as exciting or awesomely violent.

Also, what is with Cameron Diaz playing the “young, hot secretary?”  I don’t like to bag on girls for their looks because I realize I’m no prize hunk of d*ck myself, but Jesus, bitch, you’re 37.  Not that she’s looks bad, but she was cute and pretty when she was 25 — now it’s time to find a skill.  But congratulations on kicking that drug habit.  At least, that’s what I’d assume of a new secretary at the local paper who’s 37.  Meanwhile, Christoph Waltz is in this movie, but barely gets two seconds of screen time. That’s a mistake.  Having Christoph Waltz in your movie only to not show him is like taking a really hot chick with huge boobs and shaving off all her hair and dressing her like a dude.   I don’t remember where I was going with this, but now I have a boner.

Doing a comedic take on The Green Hornet with Seth Rogen starring and Michel Gondry directing seems like a wacky idea, but also seems like the best way to go with a campy property that no one under 50 remembers.  These official pictures and synopsis (trailer supposedly coming later tonight) are the first we’ve heard about it since rumors (later denied) that Sony was unhappy with it, and the subsequent announcement that the release had been pushed back a month to January, and that it’d be in 3D. Phew, that’s way more words than I wanted to type about this.  Here’s the  synopsis:

Britt Reid (Rogen) is the son of LA’s most prominent and respected media magnate and perfectly happy to maintain a directionless existence on the party scene — until his father mysteriously dies, leaving Britt his vast media empire. Striking an unlikely friendship with one of his father’s more industrious and inventive [read: "Asian"] employees, Kato (Jay Chou), they see their chance to do something meaningful for the first time in their lives: fight crime. But in order to do this, they decide to become criminals themselves — protecting the law by breaking it, Britt becomes the vigilante The Green Hornet as he and Kato hit the streets.
Using all his ingenuity and skill, Kato builds the ultimate in advanced retro weaponry, The Black Beauty, an indestructible car equal parts firepower and horsepower. Rolling in a mobile fortress on wheels and striking the bad guys with Kato’s clever gadgets, The Green Hornet and Kato quickly start making a name for themselves, and with the help of Britt’s new secretary, Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz) [Uh... new?], they begin hunting down the man who controls LA’s gritty underworld: Benjamin Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz). But Chudnofsky has plans of his own: to swat down The Green Hornet once and for all.

Whoa, whoa, slow down.  So you’re saying Seth Rogen plays a man-child?  Look, just tell me Christoph Waltz does Der Humpink dance and I’ll be there.

Arf for one...

Get excited, French literature buffs, because the director of Death Race and Aliens Vs. Predator is about to go double pits to chesty all over the Three Musketeers.  And guess what, it’s in 3D!  ALL FOR SLUTS & SLUTS FOR ALL! However, the story doesn’t end there.  Paul W.S. Anderson’s 3D Musketeers project will be competing with a rival Three Musketeers film being directed by Doug Liman (Go, Jumper, Mr. & Mrs. Smith).  Normally, Liman’s would probably be the higher-profile project by default, but Anderson just added Oscar-winner and acclaimed humper Christoph Waltz.

Logan Lerman, who recently played the title character in “Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief,” is in negotiations to play D’Artagnan, a young man who leaves home to become a member of the fighting force of the French king’s royal household.

Ray Stevenson (“The Book of Eli”), Luke Evans (“Clash of the Titans”) and Matthew Macfadyen (“Robin Hood”) have been cast as three of the force’s best and most disgraced members: Porthos, Athos and Aramis. Rounding out the cast as villains are Academy Award winner Christoph Waltz as Cardinal Richelieu and Mads Mikkelsen [best name ever] as Rochefort. Anderson’s real-life wife, Milla Jovovich, has been cast as Milady de Winter, a former love of Athos who is described as “17th century Bond girl.”  An offer is out to Orlando Bloom to play nemesis the Duke of Buckingham. [HeatVision]

That’s strange, I always thought of Orlando Bloom as more of a Lindsay of Buckingham.  Anyway, It doesn’t say who described Athos’ girlfriend as a “17th century Bond girl” or why, so I asked original James Bond Sean Connery about it.  He told me that it’s like “a twentieth centshury Bond girl that knowsh her plashe,” and then slapped me hard across the mouth.

Christoph Waltz filmed a bit for Jimmy Kimmel live the other night, an old BBC piece on one of his earlier works, “Der Humpink.” It begins with a parody of the Trolololo guy, which was nice, but even through my own chuckling, I was thinking to myself, “Wait a second, wasn’t I promised humpink?”  Then, just as the thought crossed my mind, BOOM!  There’s the humpink.  I want “the humpink was not a metaphor” on my tombstone. Also, I made this sweet-ass gif:

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(“Ughh, I’m so tired, I’ve been boring the crap out of you for the last two hours.”)

If you can read headlines, you don’t need much of an introduction here.  Best picture nominees also here.

BEST PICTURE: The Hurt Locker, An Education, Precious, Inglourious Basterds, A Serious Man, Up, District 9, The Blind Side, Up in the Air, Avatar

BEST DIRECTOR
- “Avatar,” James Cameron
- “The Hurt Locker,” Kathryn Bigelow
- “Inglourious Basterds,” Quentin Tarantino
- “Up in the Air,” Jason Reitman
- “Precious,” Lee Daniels

Do we really need a Best Picture and a Best Director award?  It’s kind of like having a cleanest pipes and a best plumber award.  That’s your job, dude.

BEST ACTOR
- Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart”
- George Clooney, “Up in the Air”
- Morgan Freeman, “Invictus”
- Colin Firth, “A Single Man”
- Jeremy Renner, “The Hurt Locker”

Clooney is great at playing his charming self.  Renner was great in The Hurt Locker.  Invictus was boring as hell.  My money’s on the Dude.

BEST ACTRESS
- Gabourey Sidibe, “Precious”
- Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side”
- Meryl Streep, “Julie and Julia”
- Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”
- Carey Mulligan, “An Education”

They’ll probably give it to Sidibe, seeing as how she gained all that weight for the role.  …What?  Come on, I’m not allowed one fat joke!?  Once again you ask too much of me, Dumbledore.
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