My Dinner with A-Holes

For younger people, people younger than 45, say, I suspect all I’d have to say about Roman Polanski’s new film Carnage is that it takes place entirely within two rooms of an apartment building and the hall, and they’d stay away in droves. You kids with your short attention spans and your facetime and your f*ckable iPads, that’s an immature and close-minded reason not to see a movie. But in this case, luckily, there are also plenty of others.

Based on the play God of Carnage, by French playwright Yasmina Reza, Carnage follows two sets of parents, played by John C. Reilly and Jodie Foster, and Christoph Waltz and Kate Winslet, who meet to discuss a fight between their sons in a civilized manner. But as the day wears on, they become increasingly childish themselves! That’s… well, that’s pretty much it, really (feel free to make your own joke here about the guy creating an idealized vision of youthful innocence being Roman f*cking Polanski). It’s the kind of film that a certain sect of the older generation considers “classic drama,” that they’re going to try to sell to the rest of us, because people just don’t appreciate real stories without robots punchin’ each other anymore, gall durn it! Fair enough, but 12 Angry Men this ain’t. It’s important to make a distinction between a “scathing critique of contemporary society!” and characters obnoxiously bickering about contemporary issues in an unrealistic way.

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’d watch a movie with John C. Reilly and Christoph Waltz in it even if the director was a child rapist. In totally unrelated news, here we have the trailer for Carnage, adapted from the play God of Carnage, directed by Roman Polanski, starring John C. Reilly, Christoph Waltz, Kate Winslet, and Jodie Foster. It appears to have only one location, much like Polanski himself from December 2009 to July 2010, because of the raping.

As for the plot, seems Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz’ kid beat up John C. Reilly and Jody Foster’s  kid at school, and now they’re having a big, philosophical to-do about it. At one point, Waltz is such a workaholic that his wife dunks his cell phone in water to teach him a lesson. How original! But wait, you’ll ruin his important business meeting with the Japanese! Still, I liked it better when an eagle stole Sandra Bullock’s Blackberry. More symbolic or something.

After the jump, two gifs that would’ve made this trailer a lot better.

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Kevin over at NextMovie sent over this video of Insane Clown Posse (is it really accurate to call two guys a “posse”?) reviewing Water for Elephants.  Which makes me jealous of Kevin, because it sounds like he’s got ICP on speed dial.  It would be amazing to be able to call them at all hours of the night and just talk, you know?  (“Whatcha thinkin’ ’bout?”  “Mmmm… giraffes.”)

It’s interesting that they reviewed the Reese Witherspoon-Robert Pattinson romance Water for Elephants, because it was a film I also reviewed, and which, despite its flaws, I quite enjoyed.  It’s interesting to me that of all people, Insane Clown Posse don’t seem able to see past the cheesy love story. To re-purpose a famous turn of phrase, if the cheesy R-Pattz love story is all you ever see, than it’s easy to miss the miracle of the circus hobo drunks, an elephant shootin’ whiskey out its long-ass trunk.  Shaggy 2 Dope basically calls it a chick flick, which is certainly fair, but the review jumps the shark around the 1:14 mark when neither guy recognizes Christoph Waltz, and say only that he looks like James Woods. “Why use a slightly James Woods?  Just use James Woods,” they ask.

What?!?! Christoph Waltz was the best part of the movie!  Oh, Shaggy 2 Dope, you poor ignorant retard.  Have you not seen Inglourious Basterds?  How am I supposed to respect your opinions as film critics when you 1. haven’t seen Inglourious Basterds, and 2. can’t recognize the obvious brilliance of Christoph Waltz?  I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t take these clowns seriously after that.

[NextMovie]

"Aw, he's so sweet. Shame they're going to electrocute him."

Here’s Robert Pattinson starring in the new trailer for Water for Elephants. I have to admit, as soon as I saw “Robert Pattinson” and “Water for Elephants” in the same sentence, I couldn’t shake the image of RPattz giving some fat Twilight fan a golden shower, but maybe I’m a little screwed up like that.

Based on the acclaimed bestseller, WATER FOR ELEPHANTS presents an unexpected romance in a uniquely compelling setting. Veterinary school student Jacob meets and falls in love with Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), a star performer in a circus of a bygone era. They discover beauty amidst the world of the Big Top, and come together through their compassion for a special elephant. Against all odds — including the wrath of Marlena’s charismatic but dangerous husband, August (Christoph Waltz)– Jacob and Marlena find lifelong love. [Apple]

Well sure.  If Miley Cyrus can find love over beach volleyball and saving a nest of sea turtles from a raccoon, why not a “special elephant?”  I find it’s funnier if you read “special” as “retarded”, by the way. “We hated each other at first, but every afternoon we’d go throw rocks at the retarded elephant.  We’d mock the way he walked, hold peanuts just out of reach of his trunk, and just laugh and laugh.  Eventually we fell in love.”

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The Green Hornet trailer is online now, and… I don’t know.  I’m underwhelmed.  The plan was for Seth Rogen and Michel Gondry to do a comedic, possibly weird take on The Green Hornet (yes, please).  Rumor had it the studio wasn’t thrilled with what they were seeing, and their decision to convert it to 3D hints at them wanting to turn it into a generic action “tentpole” (still hate that word).  But at this point we can only speculate.  Tone-wise, the trailer makes it look somewhere between Kick-Ass and Iron Man.  Actually, with them driving around in the Hornet mobile the whole time, it makes it feel a lot like Kick-Ass, just not as exciting or awesomely violent.

Also, what is with Cameron Diaz playing the “young, hot secretary?”  I don’t like to bag on girls for their looks because I realize I’m no prize hunk of d*ck myself, but Jesus, bitch, you’re 37.  Not that she’s looks bad, but she was cute and pretty when she was 25 — now it’s time to find a skill.  But congratulations on kicking that drug habit.  At least, that’s what I’d assume of a new secretary at the local paper who’s 37.  Meanwhile, Christoph Waltz is in this movie, but barely gets two seconds of screen time. That’s a mistake.  Having Christoph Waltz in your movie only to not show him is like taking a really hot chick with huge boobs and shaving off all her hair and dressing her like a dude.   I don’t remember where I was going with this, but now I have a boner.