I give a slight edge to Patton Oswalt’s tweet on the same topic (below), but this SNL sketch starring Christoph Waltz as ‘Djesus Uncrossed’ as a play on Tarantino’s revenge boner is undoubtedly solid. (Incidentally, almost all of my boners involve revenge).

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009) –World War II

DJANGO UNCHAINED (2012) — slavery

UNCORSETTED BITCHES (2015) –Woman’s suffrage

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 28, 2012

Having Christoph Waltz on this week almost makes up for letting Justin Bieber host last week, which I’m told led indirectly to the Pope’s retirement, after he watched it and decided that there is no God. To be fair, I did notice that the Christoph Waltz show seemed much less “swaggy.”

Here’s an Oscar-themed edition of Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis, starring Christoph Waltz, Anne Hathaway, and Amy Adams, in which Galifianakis asks Waltz:

“Have you ever considered changing your name to ‘Christoph Breakdance?’”

“Do you say the N-word more in Django Unchained, or more in real life?”

He also calls Amy Adams “Cinnamon Muff.” I have nothing to add to this.
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The Twelfth Man.

Django Unchained isn’t just a glorification of gratuitous violence and foul language, EVERYthing about Django is gratuitous. There’s an extra character in it, like the crowd noise as the invisible twelfth man in a football game, only in this case, it’s the frequent and persistent voice of worried studio execs and concerned friends trying to reign Quentin in. If you listen closely, you can hear it throughout the film.

“Hey, so uh, Quentin… maybe seven blood packets instead of twelve in this scene? Also, I’m not sure you need that sorta ‘gurgle-slurp’ noise after the slaver gets his head caved in.. but I’m sure you know best, haha!”

“Quentin, buddy! Hey, I know this is about slavery and stuff, but what if we just said the N-word, like, ten fewer times? I think people get it, you know? I mean, just a thought.”

“Yo, Q-Ball. I’m loving this, buddy, I really am, but… this shot of the underside of Django’s hairy nutsack? What if we just shot it from, say, from a little further away? Maybe we try one your way and one my way? I dunno, just spitballin’ here.”

“Hey, T-Squared, I know you like putting yourself in your own movies and stuff, but… I dunno, does your character really need an Australian accent in this one? I’m worried it’s going to come off… silly. But hey, one man’s opinion.”

To see Django Unchained is to watch Quentin Tarantino studiously ignore that voice. You know Tarantino could easily make a refined movie that every asthmatic, private school-educated film critic would love, just by dialing back his peccadilloes half a tick. The beauty of Tarantino is that he doesn’t want to, and that he doesn’t. As brilliant an audience manipulator as he is, he’s still that video store clerk who can’t spell, who just loves sticking it to the shrivs and poindexters who’ll never fully appreciate something this rowdy. He’s like a comedian who constantly hears people tell him that he’s clever enough to be funny without swearing. “Yeah, but I like swearing. That’s what’s funny to me.”

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Despite losing star and super fan Jason Segal, the new and improved Muppets franchise is moving on presumably with most of the same production team intact, as director James Bobin is returning for the next chapter that will feature Kermit and the gang on a European adventure. I don’t even want to continue, because I’m already super excited about the premise alone. But it gets even better, because The Hollywood Reporter is, um, reporting that Christoph Waltz will be the star of the next Muppets adventure. WEEEEEEE! Bingo! How fun!

Like Segal, Waltz will be one of the main human characters in the film, and obviously he won’t be alone.

While the film is expected to have a slew of cameos, as is a Muppets movie tradition, the part of the Interpol inspector is one of a small handful of human roles that will stand apart. The other notable characters, according to sources, are that of a Russian femme fatale and a male lead whose intentions are always in question.

While not very descriptive, Waltz as an Interpol detective sounds great. Hell, Waltz with the Muppets just sounds perfect. The guy is practically a Muppet himself. As for the other characters – the femme fatale and sketchy dude bro – I have some suggestions.

Femme Fatale: Famke Jannsen, Olga Kurylenko… That’s pretty much it.

The sketchy dude is a different task. Is he good guy sketchy or Stephen Dorff sketchy? Plus, we have to replace Jason Segal’s charm and lovable dope routine. Is he American or is he European? Either way, this might be the perfect role for Robert Pattinson in his post-Twilight career. After all, he looks a little like a Muppet, too…

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What with Looper, The Master, Argo, Seven Psychopaths, and all the other must-see movies hitting the theaters in the past month, you may have forgotten all the hype for Tarantino and Django Unchained. Django‘s set for a Christmas day release, and according to reports, may be ready in time to play the Rome Festival next month (I’ll be attending, but between my yacht parties and manservants, who knows if I’ll have a chance to see it?).

Anyway, Jamie Foxx has to become a bounty hunter under the tutelage of Christoph Waltz (a bounty hunter/dentist) so he can rescue his wife Broomhilda von Shaft (yes, that’s her character’s real name) from evil Leonardo DiCaprio, who runs a big plantation where he holds gladiator-style slave fights. Sam Jackson and Don Johnson both have Colonel Sanders hair and fit in there somehow as well. Oh, and Jonah Hill shows up for the first time, appearing to play some kind of Klansman in a scene very reminiscent of O Brother Where Art Thou (am I crazy, or is the guy under the bag who yells at Jonah Hill in this the same guy who played the Klansman/political candidate running against the incumbent in O Brother?). I’m assuming Jamie Foxx eventually gets captured, and all hope looks lost until president Daniel Day-Lewis eventually comes along, frees the slaves, and beats Jonah Hill to death with a bowling pin. Goddamn that would be awesome.

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