That’s right, Thomas Kinkade, painter of light, the most important artist of this or any century, got popped for DUI Monday night outside Carmel, California.  Even more amazing, George Seurat painted the shirt he wore in his mugshot.  POINTILISM!

Kinkade was booked into the Monterey County Jail on suspicion of misdemeanor drunken driving.  Kinkade did submit to a blood test; however, the CHP is not releasing his blood-alcohol level. The arresting officer reported that Kinkade was “very polite” during the exchange. [SacramentoBee]

Yeah, I’d be polite too if I’d made millions of dollars painting some sh*t that looks like it came from a Candyland box. But wait, how is this movie related?  Why, I’m glad you asked, f*ckface.  A couple years ago, I reported on Lionsgate’s foray into faith-based filmmaking, including an adaptation of Kinkade’s painting “The Christmas Cottage.”  Yep, an adaptation of a painting.  A painting called “The Christmas Cottage.”  After I reported it, I sort of forgot about it for a couple years, as is my way.  But as it turns out, it’s already been filmed and released on DVD.  Wanna see the trailer? OF COURSE YOU DO.

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Lionsgate has made a deal with "faith-based content company" the Indelible Creative Group. Lionsgate has previously had success distributing Christian books and DVDs, and with some of Tyler Perry’s earlier films.

Lionsgate president and COO Steve Beeks said the studio "is making a concerted effort to expand its leadership in the faith-based category."
Lionsgate’s other forays into faith-based films includes the upcoming theatrical release, "Church Boy," based on the true story of gospel star Kirk Franklin*, and a feature adaptation of the Thomas Kinkade painting called "The Christmas Cottage."

Wait a second, time out – a feature adaptation of a PAINTING? A painting doesn’t even have a plot until you invent one for it. This has gotta be some action-packed painting, with flaming dildo headed zombie vampires and stuff, right?  Right?!  Oh sweet Jesus, it’s a house.  They optioned the story rights to A PICTURE OF A GODDAMNED HOUSE.  A movie based on a landscape.  And a really cheesy and stupid landscape at that.  I’m speechless.

Hey look, everyone, I drew a picture of Jesus.  He’s eating Pringles and making the sign for "A-okay".  Now every time you make a "faith-based" movie, you have to pay me.  Sorry, it’s in the Bible.

*Who, as astute commenter Luchador pointed out, is a former porno addict. Are there any hardcore Christian leaders out there who aren’t addicted to men, meth, or masturbating in SCUBA suits?