Before our favorite sweater-clad sandwich enthusiast, Kirk Cameron, smashed up his computer for tempting him with porno in Fireproof (get it? It’s about firemen AND you going to hell), he starred in three successful films adapted from the Left Behind books, a series about a post-rapture world that sold… holy sh*t… 65 million copies. (Just for perspective, depending on the time of year, you could get on the bestseller list by selling fifty thousand copies).

Now, after two real-life raptures failed to materialize, why not go back to the source, just so we’re all prepared? Though Kirk Cameron won’t be involved, Cloud Ten productions is putting up $15 million (one of the largest independent, faith-based budgets ever) for Paul Lalonde and John Patus (who worked on the original series) to script a fourth Left Behind movie.

Christian-themed movies are in the news once again, especially in light of the success of Courageous, made by Sherwood Films. The movie cost $2 million to make and has grossed almost $28 million domestically, showing that the faith-based film market continues to be one of the most profitable segments in the film business.
The movies were political thrillers that focused on the End of Days and the Rapture. Those Christian beliefs are again the focal point of the new movie but the story will be more in the mold of a classic disaster movie. The plot unfolds during the first few hours after the Rapture and focuses on the survivors. [THR]

Now, correct me if I’m wrong (note: DO NOT CORRECT ME!), but isn’t the rapture what happens when God sucks the souls of all the believers up to heaven while the sinners stay behind and sin together until they rot*? The way see it, this either going to be about flying zombies, porno, or both. Jeez, I should go to church more.

*Much like Belinda at Kirk Cameron’s birthday party, left to rot outside the door without the healing sandwiches of Christ

It’s hard to deny that before Passion of the Christ, Jim Caviezel seemed like a star on the rise (Count of Monte Cristo is a guilty pleasure of mine).  Or that these days, he seems a bit like an afterthought (Outlander, anyone?).  The question is, is his fall from prominence the result of Hollywood being run by Godless Jews, or is it just that Christians are always trying to blame everything on Jesus?

Since playing the son of God in the 2004 film he said offers had dried up and he is shunned by many within the industry. Prior to playing Jesus he was considered one of Hollywood rising stars and appeared in ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’ and ‘Angel Eyes’ with Jennifer Lopez.

Ah yes, who could forget that classic, Angel Eyes with Jennifer Lopez? I have my fingers crossed for the Criterion Collection.  Any day now, I can feel it.

Caviezel, a devout Roman Catholic, said he knew playing Jesus would be risky.  ‘Jesus is as controversial now as he has ever been,’ Caviezel said. ‘Not much has changed in 2,000 years.’

Caviezel said he was warned against taking the part by Gibson who warned him he would never work in Hollywood again. ‘He said, “You’ll never work in this town again.” I told him, “We all have to embrace our crosses”.’ Caviezel told an audience of churchgoers in Orlando, Florida.

Gibson later told him, “Put your shirt back on.  You look like an Israelite in heat, and I hope you get raped by a pack of Romans.”

Read the rest of this entry »

You’d think it’d be obvious to most people that a band who released a song about how a pelican eating your cell phone is a miracle would be religious, but if The Guardian is to be believed, they found the news that the Insane Clown Posse were actually evangelical Christians to be quite the shock.

All of which makes Violent J’s recent announcement really quite astonishing: Insane Clown Posse have this entire time secretly been evangelical Christians. They’ve only been pretending to be brutal and sadistic to trick their fans into believing in God [DUNT DUNT DUNNNNN -Ed.]. They released a song, Thy Unveiling, that spelt out the revelation beyond all doubt:

F*ck it, we got to tell.
All secrets will now be told
No more hidden messages
…Truth is we follow GOD!!!
We’ve always been behind him
The carnival is GOD
And may all juggalos find him
We’re not sorry if we tricked you.

Violent J explained himself unapologetically to a New Jersey newspaper: “You have to speak their language. You have to interest them, gain their trust, talk to them and show you’re one of them. You’re a person from the street and you speak of your experiences. Then at the end you can tell them: God has helped me.” [Guardian]

Okay, okay, The Guardian, you got me, I clicked on the link, I was even intrigued by the premise, even if it didn’t seem that surprising (violent rhetoric coexisting with Christianity? my stars, that’s never happened before!).  And now for the part I referenced with the ellipses in the headline: “Insane Clown Posse reveals Christian faith… eight years ago.” That’s right, the “recent” song The Guardian quotes is from an album that came out in 2002.  Which you’d think they’d know if they read their own source link. Anyway, when you think about it, it isn’t that surprising that ICP would be Christians.  Clowns and priests, clowns and priests…. (*puts on Carnac the Magnificent turban, holds envelope up to forehead*)  …What are two groups famous for child rape?  (*pantomimes golf swing, smokes cigar*)

The one good thing about psychotic fundementalist Christians is that they make hilariously terrible movies for each other.  Below, you can watch the trailer for C Me Dance (“A dance that shines through darkness”), which, as you can imagine, is basically Step Up 2 the Streets for people who love fetuses.  Just like in Hollywood, the protagonist has to win the dance competition to pay for a relative’s operation.  Only this time it’s not greedy developers she has to contend with, it’s… SATAN! Oh hey, and did I mention there’s a random split-second shot of Jesus being nailed to the cross spliced in there?  Because of course there is.  Fundie movies without Jesus being nailed to the cross are like french fries without salt.

Read the rest of this entry »